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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going back to work 2 weeks after birth?

224 replies

Jacklinjane · 14/08/2022 10:46

I'm 34 and have one child who is coming up to 21 months. LO has a disability and his dad gave up work to take care of him while I returned to my job 3 weeks after having a caesarian section. I work in IT so it's not a physical job. I expressed at work and had a little fridge beside my desk and everything worked.
The plan with the next one is to do the same but after speaking with GP today she's said I'll likely need another section. So I've started making preparations for this and my friend yesterday told me she thinks I'm not being fair on new baby or LO1 by going back to work that soon.
For context, I get a basic wage but I get huge bonuses every month that are almost triple my basic wage. Maternity doesn't scratch what I earn and what my mortgage costs.
My husband would be going back after 2 weeks if he was the one working so why is it not fair that I am? My work are accomodating and no one even minded the loud humming of my breast pump for so many hours in the day! If I'm physically able to go back, why should it matter?

OP posts:
tenbob · 14/08/2022 13:52

Just doing the maths on this…

Your basic wage has to be at least NMW, so £1600 a month
And if your bonus/commission is triple that, that means nearly £5k/month so you are bringing in a total salary of over £75k a year

If you are salaried, you’ll get 90% of this for 6 weeks
If you’re not, then you are only paying 20% tax on this, giving you similar net pay to someone earning £100k as PAYE

I appreciate you are a single income house but if you are self-employed, surely you’ve had enough time to put away even a modest amount to more cover time off after the birth?

It seems quite strange that you can be earning such a lot but not have even a small amount of contingency to mean you don’t have to make such a desperate decision as to go back to full time work 14 days after major surgery, let alone having a newborn baby at home?

VestaTilley · 14/08/2022 13:55

Your body needs time to recover, your baby needs you then to bond and build a strong relationship. I really don’t understand why you’d want to go back so early.

TokyoTen · 14/08/2022 14:00

I had a c section DC. DP was the main carer and a SAHP I returned to work. It took me around 6 weeks to recover - like you I work in IT so not a physical job. I'd be really cautious with the 2 weeks because it's major surgery and that is quick soon afterwards (although also recovered well). Personally I wouldn't worry about bonding, that will happy naturally in my view and the fact that I was the main wage earner has never affected the bond with my DCs.

Eek3under3 · 14/08/2022 14:01

Totally your choice. I’m ten days post my 3rd section and feel like I could do my desk job (from home) now.

Marvellousmadness · 14/08/2022 14:03

The first 6 months of a baby's brain is the most important for bonding. It could cause issues later in life.
A baby will feel rejected when it is "abandoned" by its mum 2 weeks after its born

Its cruel imo. And sad.
And why have a kid if you wanna run back to work 2 weeks in.......

MaChienEstUnDick · 14/08/2022 14:09

Oof, this has taken a turn.

My post earlier was completely about you and your health, I missed the point that your friend was making it all about the DCs.

Your husband is home and is the primary carer. You need to work to keep a roof over your head. Children need roofs as much as they need love! It's a no-brainer and don't let anyone guilt you into feeling bad about it. Attachment is necessary, but it doesn't necessarily have to come from the mother.

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 14:13

Marvellousmadness · 14/08/2022 14:03

The first 6 months of a baby's brain is the most important for bonding. It could cause issues later in life.
A baby will feel rejected when it is "abandoned" by its mum 2 weeks after its born

Its cruel imo. And sad.
And why have a kid if you wanna run back to work 2 weeks in.......

It really won't

You have a fundamental lack of understanding of attachment theory

Babies don't even bond with their primary care giver until 2-4 months ffs.

As long as they're fed and warm they literally give 0 shits in the early days.

luxxlisbon · 14/08/2022 14:14

It is complete rubbish that a newborn needs MUM at home to be the full time caregiver for X time or their brains won’t develop. This sort of narrative is shit for women and it’s shit for men.
The baby has a full time care giver at home in the form of it’s father. It will be more than fine.

As for the 2 weeks though, that’s a bit ambitions. I wouldn’t even recommend someone only take 2 weeks off to recover for any major surgery. You get 90% for 6 weeks so I don’t see why you wouldn’t take at least that for your own well-being.

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 14:14

The US employment rights are not held up as the gold standard so I wouldn’t want to be emulating them.

luxxlisbon · 14/08/2022 14:15

Marvellousmadness · 14/08/2022 14:03

The first 6 months of a baby's brain is the most important for bonding. It could cause issues later in life.
A baby will feel rejected when it is "abandoned" by its mum 2 weeks after its born

Its cruel imo. And sad.
And why have a kid if you wanna run back to work 2 weeks in.......

Stop spouting this absolute rubbish please.

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 14:16

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 14:14

The US employment rights are not held up as the gold standard so I wouldn’t want to be emulating them.

No one is holding them up

But they don't seem to have a population of adults and children with attachment issues do they.

pastaandpesto · 14/08/2022 14:19

The thing is is if you’d had that kind of
open abdominal surgery for any other reason apart from removing a baby you’d be signed off
for at least 6 weeks.

That's true. But equally, you also wouldn't be expected to perform the role of sole caregiver to one or more babies/young children either.

It frustrates me massively that the mother's need to recover from c-section surgery is so roundly ignored in post partum care in this country. I've had three sections and was expected to just get on with it pretty much as soon as the spinal block wore off. But that is a separate issue.

LocalHobo · 14/08/2022 14:22

You clearly said in your OP that your husband is a stay at home dad. What is important for the baby’s brain is that they form an attachment and feeling of safety with a primary caregiver - it does not need to be the mother

This.

Sallyh87 · 14/08/2022 14:24

If it works for you, then do it. As long as your child has a primary care giver then it will be fine.

I would echo op’s that it might be a strain after a c sec to commute but I am sure doable.

Sorry, if I missed it but are you in the UK? If so your incentive payments (this is classed as an incentive not a bonus if monthly), would be included in your SMP calculation. It would be an average of the last three months. This would mean 90% of what you usually earn for the first 6 weeks. Then if you have annual leave accrued, surely you could have 2 months off at least?

That being said if you just want to return to work then do it!

SquirrelCity · 14/08/2022 14:25

Your friend wouldn't bat an eyelid at your DH going back to work after two weeks or worry that isn't 'fair on the children' (no one ever does!) - you are being extremely good to your children to go back to work that soon to ensure family income and making sure their dad is supported. Well done, carry on!

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 14:28

Babies ideally need their mothers for their brains to develop properly. The above posters are correct. It is called the ‘fourth trimester’. There is a huge amount of evidence on it if you take the time to read it. The Solihull approach would be a good place to start.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/08/2022 14:38

I wouldn't want to but I can see why you might.

Could you maybe have the mandatory 2 weeks and then a further 2 as annual leave? Two weeks is very little time to physically feel better.

TastesLikeStrawberries · 14/08/2022 14:40

@Cleothecat75 men get two weeks paternity because that's usually all their entitled to so it's not really the same. My DP had started a new job so was entitled to no time off so used holidays instead. Many men do take additional time off also.

As a PP has said, I'm not sure why you wanted a second DC if you're focus lies with your career. I'm coming to the end of my maternity leave and I'm devastated that I won't be able to spend every day with my LO. I wouldn't have went back after two weeks for all the money in the world.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/08/2022 14:42

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 14:28

Babies ideally need their mothers for their brains to develop properly. The above posters are correct. It is called the ‘fourth trimester’. There is a huge amount of evidence on it if you take the time to read it. The Solihull approach would be a good place to start.

Can you point me this evidence please? I've just googled and while I can see plenty on the 4th trimester, I can't find anything that says the mother is required for this brain development?

And I'm wondering how this works in e.g. America and other countries where women don't get maternity leave, or where the mother has to be in hospital or even dies during birth? What is it specifically about the presence of a mother?

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 14:44

TastesLikeStrawberries · 14/08/2022 14:40

@Cleothecat75 men get two weeks paternity because that's usually all their entitled to so it's not really the same. My DP had started a new job so was entitled to no time off so used holidays instead. Many men do take additional time off also.

As a PP has said, I'm not sure why you wanted a second DC if you're focus lies with your career. I'm coming to the end of my maternity leave and I'm devastated that I won't be able to spend every day with my LO. I wouldn't have went back after two weeks for all the money in the world.

Where did the OP say the reason she was going back was because her focus was her career

Do you not understand the concept of needing money to survive?

Louise0701 · 14/08/2022 14:45

@PollyRockets so why have a second child if they can’t afford her to be off work for more than 2 weeks? They must be really struggling. So irresponsible.

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 14:47

Louise0701 · 14/08/2022 14:45

@PollyRockets so why have a second child if they can’t afford her to be off work for more than 2 weeks? They must be really struggling. So irresponsible.

But they're not struggling

Do you say the same when the sexes are reversed? Of course you don't

As it's quite normal on here for women to be the ones staying at home and the man going off to work

If the bulk of the OPs monthly earnings are bonus she won't get much on the 6 weeks at 90% SMP

luxxlisbon · 14/08/2022 14:48

@TastesLikeStrawberries As a PP has said, I'm not sure why you wanted a second DC if you're focus lies with your career. I'm coming to the end of my maternity leave and I'm devastated that I won't be able to spend every day with my LO. I wouldn't have went back after two weeks for all the money in the world.

Ahh the good old ‘why even have a child if someone else is going to look after them’…

You wouldn’t have went back to work for all the money in the world but presumably is because you had a partner paying for it. Would you really rather l lose you home and not be able to feed your child than work for an income?
OP is the breadwinner of their family.
She has a loving DH who is a SAHD and presumably is a wonderful caregiver to their children.

Do we ask Ken “why did you have a kid if you’re going to go back to work?”

Or is it still only women who are expected to make children their entire life?

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 14:48

parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/why-we-do-it/building-babies-brains/

Breastfeeding optimises baby brain development and attachment. Men can’t do it.

I 100% promise I am not deliberately being mean- I went back to work with my eldest when she was very young- 5 days a week and it is a huge regret now that I know the science around attachment. You can’t get the time back.

Hankunamatata · 14/08/2022 14:50

Its luxurious to have choice. Sounds like you dont as you need to pay the bills. I would give friend a second thought. Needs must