To think these kids need to develop some resilience

[PollysKettleIsOn]

Not my DC but a family members, we usually get together once a fortnight or so but have been seeing each other more frequently during the summer holidays.

They are 5.5 and almost 10 (I have three of my own who are 4.5years, 3years and a baby)

I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but atleast one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events.

The younger ones were messing around with a flask earlier on (her 5 year old DD and my 3 year old DD) and my DD got whacked on the arm with it. She was fine but i heard her say ouch. I asked, nicely, what had happened. Cue the 5yo starting to scream and cry uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes. I actually thought she was the one who got hit with it the way she was carrying on.

When she finally stopped her mum asked why she was so upset, her response was that she thought she was going to get into trouble. My 3yo DD, the one who actually got hit, just stood there looking miffed.

Later on she slid off the end of the slide and got a Teeny Tiny graze on her knee, off she was again for the next half an hour.

The older one is exactly the same if not worse. You only have to so much as ask him not to do something and off he goes, crying and wailing to the point he looks like he is hyperventilating. The children have never been hit or frightened by their parents or anybody else. There's absolutely need to act that way.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. If they need to be told off then they are, in a calm but firm manner. I don't have to bite my tongue in fear they're going to stand there shaking. I have on occasion had to raise my voice the same as everyone else and they don't respond with anywhere near that level of dramatics - and my eldest has special needs.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

Think whatever you like bit it's not on you to say anything about it, they're not your DC so it's not your business. If they irk you so much then stop spending time with them.

Children are never to blame for behaviour. Clearly they aren't disciplined or comforted correctly

I recently ditched a friend for similar behaviour from her kids that were starting by to affect my 2. Mainly because mine are tough - well, they’re resilient when it comes to playing and interacting with other people anyway - and hers were big girls blouses! Similar behaviour that got worse with age. It got to the point where my kids were always being blamed for not tip-toeing round their ultra sensitive feelings. For example if we went to the park and my DD reached the climbing frame first, the DD (9) would go absolutely beserk to the point they were shaking. And my friend, rather than telling them to get a grip, would tell my DD that ‘you know Lucy is sensitive could you just not have let her get there first’.

At that point I ran a mile and fazed her out.

I wonder how long it will be before someone on MN diagnoses the children with something

You are getting a very clear signal about the sort of telling off they get if the fear it this much.

pay Attention

I agree they are setting themselves up for a fall.

@FreudayNight I was wondering the same thing

It's not possible to just stop spending time with them as they are family but I will pull back slightly.

Don't get me wrong I care about them, truly I do, but I don't know how their mum puts up with it.

They do sound highly strung and anxious, but deserve kindness and patience, not judgement. Their poor parents are probably at their wits end. So, rather than making unfavourable comparisons and walking away, be supportive. If they see your children behaving calmly it might help them.

Truthfully I think the issue is that they're not disciplined correctly. Mum is a very gentle parent and so lovely but far, far too soft on them.

Do we know the same people 😂

Bollocks - the kids who are scared of their parents are really quiet. They do not make a fuss as they get into more trouble then.

What happens when they wail and shake? I think kids learn what they’re taught. If they tantrum and get their way they’ll continue to tantrum as they are now aware that is the way to do things. If they tantrum and don’t get their way they’ll stop because what’s the point? If they cry and are pandered to/fussed over they’ll continue because it feels nice to be fussed and coddled. If they cry over silly things and are told they are okay and can talk about it when they stop crying/screaming they stop because it has no good effect.

Either way they’re not your kids. They sound hard work but at least it’s not your hard work!

Nine times put of ten, it'll all come put in the wash and they'll get less sensitive as they grow up. Don't forget too that the last couple of years will have had an emotional impact on a lot of children. I work with children and the current cohort are slightly more immature and sensitive than usual, not to the point that it's detrimental but it is noticeable. They'll catch up.

Haha nah just no the same kind of piss poor parents.

My ex-friend too didn’t discipline her kids - literally never saw it happen. Just tutted now and again at them. And couldn’t understand why they were rude to her

yes all children need to be more 'resilient' is more unpleasant parents

Trust me i know for sure they are never, ever disciplined harshly. Mum would walk over broken glass before she risked upsetting them. There is more chance of hell freezing over than there is of her ever spanking / hitting the kids. She is the gentlest person I know.

How is disciplining and creating healthy boundaries in any way ‘unpleasant’?

IMO you do a much bigger disservice to kids by letting them behave however they like and never pulling them on it.

Could also be the age...the elder might be beginning puberty which is a really hard time. Every kid has good and bad days - I wouldn't judge on the basis of your limited time with them. You can't possibly judge how resilient a 5.5 or 10 year old is, or how resilient your three who are extremely young are. Also a really relaxed 4 yr old can turn into a real handful at 8 and vice versa.

I wouldn't pat yourself too hard on the back about your amazing parenting. Kids are just different personalities. If my youngest gets hurt, he gives a performance like a diving premiership footballer. Eldest picks himself up and shrugs it off. Same eldest has a screaming meltdown if I take the trolley back in the supermarket without him. I could probably leave my youngest home alone for a fortnight before he noticed.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. I keep thinking about this from the OP. If you can't credit yourself that your kids are more 'resilient', why do you blame the other parent because her children are less 'resilient'? I used inverted commas because this is not what resilient means, but will put that aside.

Discpline/boundaries can be done pleasantly or unpleasantly. It is only the people who are horrid to their kids who think there is only one way to do it.

"I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but at least one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events."

Have you ever raised this with the mum? In a 'I'm actually finding them screaming over nothing quite disturbing, and I don't want to expose my children to it' sort of way?

Children are never to blame for behaviour

wtf 😂 until what age?

A parent doesnt have to be unpleasant to be a strong containing safe person for a child. Why would you exaggerate like that

Children who have wishy washy parents who are not consistent and dont allow the child to feel contained and safe by putting in clear boundaries and expectations feel unsure about the world around them

And like another poster, Im waiting for the inevitable SEN suggestion

The OP is criticising the other parent for being lovely.