To think these kids need to develop some resilience

[PollysKettleIsOn]

Not my DC but a family members, we usually get together once a fortnight or so but have been seeing each other more frequently during the summer holidays.

They are 5.5 and almost 10 (I have three of my own who are 4.5years, 3years and a baby)

I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but atleast one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events.

The younger ones were messing around with a flask earlier on (her 5 year old DD and my 3 year old DD) and my DD got whacked on the arm with it. She was fine but i heard her say ouch. I asked, nicely, what had happened. Cue the 5yo starting to scream and cry uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes. I actually thought she was the one who got hit with it the way she was carrying on.

When she finally stopped her mum asked why she was so upset, her response was that she thought she was going to get into trouble. My 3yo DD, the one who actually got hit, just stood there looking miffed.

Later on she slid off the end of the slide and got a Teeny Tiny graze on her knee, off she was again for the next half an hour.

The older one is exactly the same if not worse. You only have to so much as ask him not to do something and off he goes, crying and wailing to the point he looks like he is hyperventilating. The children have never been hit or frightened by their parents or anybody else. There's absolutely need to act that way.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. If they need to be told off then they are, in a calm but firm manner. I don't have to bite my tongue in fear they're going to stand there shaking. I have on occasion had to raise my voice the same as everyone else and they don't respond with anywhere near that level of dramatics - and my eldest has special needs.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

That might be the "excuse" to use... your autistic child is getting distressed by the screaming etc so you'll have to cut down on the meet ups until he/she is less "noise sensitive"...

Take the blame from her DC but makes the point that their behaviour is causing a child with genuine needs distress

@SpidersAreShitheads agree totally

To be fair what people are slagging off is a lot of parents' complete inability to stop their sensitive child impinging on everyone else's fun. A couple of minutes of tantrum is one thing, 30 minutes of it? sure i will be judging you. Very harshly. And actually after 15 minutes I'd be asking you to make it stop (ND children notwithstanding, that's a whole different story)

Your experience of tantrums is different to mine. Younger DC used to have tantrums for an hour or more as a toddler. It was often over something completely trivial, not as many seem to suggest on here because I had said no to her. There was no being able to stop her just because some adult in the park told me she should. She completely lost control of her emotions - believe me if there'd been a fast way to stop her I would but speaking firmly, giving consequences etc had no effect whatsoever. The only thing that worked would be to find somewhere quiet and sit bwside her while it burned itself out. She was always incredibly ashamed afterwards!

It wouldn't have bothered other kids in the park though because I would have taken her away knowing what she is like. This child is still incredibly sensitive today. Older sibling rarely tantrumed as a young child and deals with things differently now to younger DC. They have different personalities. I have looked into ASD because I was so concerned about the outbursts but she doesn't seem to fit most of the criteria.

@Brefugee Tbh, I assume there's a fair chunk of artistic licence going on with these posts. The DC she's describing may be a bit more prone to tears/getting upset but I highly, highly doubt that in the absence of any SEN or history of trauma etc that a child was shrieking hysterically for 30 minutes.

The OP is criticising a 5yr old for crying because she fell off the slide and grazed her knee. It could just be the effect of shock - an unexpected bump can easily cause that. Or maybe that "teeny tiny graze" just really bloody hurt. I just don't know what planet we're on where a 5 yr old falls off a slide, makes her knee bleed and then is criticised for crying. Sure, some kids won't - but it's not an unexpected or unreasonable reaction for those that do.

OP isn't saying the kids are wildly misbehaving, they're just a bit sensitive. There's actually nothing wrong with that. With recent posts, it's like we're handing out bloody medals for kids who button up and don't show their emotions. If your kids are more chilled, then great. If they're more sensitive, also great. There's a superior, sneery attitude to sensitive children and I don't like it.

There was no being able to stop her just because some adult in the park told me she should.

so did you take her away from a) the trigger and b) the other people who had to put up with it in a public place

that is most of the "judgement" that i'm seeing, it's a parenting forum. Most people accept that children do this now and again.

I don’t like it either and kids not expressing emotions can really come back to bite you on the bum in the teenage years particularly if they are sensitive or there is neurodiversity in the mix.

@FreudayNight actually, children who fear discipline try very hard not to draw attention to themselves

I had a little girl start in my class who screamed blue murder if she was ever told no/what to do /or for no reason other than she wanted to. On the first occasion i comforted her and she settled, mentioned it to Mum who had failed to mention this was normal behaviour from her daughter and she didn't have a clue what to do about it. Second occasion little one was comforted and told that we didn't scream in our classroom, third occasion she was told no more firmly and that her screaming was not acceptable and it had to stop now and that if she was unhappy she had to come and tell me not scream, she never screamed again and turned in to happy, well balanced lovely child. She is still they same now many years later and i am proud to be her first born child's Godmother.
Children need a guiding and boundries not free reign.

@basilmint this is totally off the subject of the post, but how old is your DD now?

I have a DD and a DS, and they're both diagnosed as autistic. They are twins but the presentation of autism is wildly, wildly different. DS diagnosed age 4 but DD not diagnosed until she was 10 - and even then it was only because I pushed and was lucky enough to get in front of an expert on female autism. Incidentally she wasn't a borderline case - when she was finally assessed they were horrified that she had been missed, there was absolutely no question about her diagnosis, or actually how significant her needs were. But it had been completely overlooked by teachers, doctors, health professionals because the female presentation often doesn't look like the classic autism described in textbooks.

Lots of the medical descriptions for autism are based on a male presentation - that's how the criteria were originally constructed. And that's why so many cases of female autism are missed.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that your DD is definitely autistic! But I just thought it was worth mentioning that girls often don't get diagnosed until later, if at all. And if you have any lingering concerns at all I would highly, highly recommend looking at female-specific info about autism because frequently it presents in a very different way to boys. Female autistics often don't tick the boxes that you'd expect for autism. And I say this as an autistic woman myself.

Sorry to derail, and you may have already covered all this. I just wish someone had told me sooner so thought I'd comment just in case it helps 💐

I have absolutely no patience for children like this.

At the library last week, my toddler went to take a chair from a long line of chairs that another child had lined up. Said child came and kicked off at her "ruining" the line up. I briskly told the lad that he didn't own the place and my daughter had every right to take a chair.

My first instinct had been to stop DD taking the chair when I realised the boy had lined them all up. But then I thought, actually no. These chairs are for everyone.

The boy had a tantrum and his dad came over all annoyed with me for "upsetting" him, saying I should apologise. Like fuck was I about to apologise. His son needed to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him. I'm not raising my daughter to be a pushover.

slowquickstep

That was that little girl. Kids differ hugely as does need, sensitivity and neurodiversity. I’m amazed that you as a teacher think a quick word like that would sort all children and all needs.

ChagSameachDoreen

Its not about being a pushover but about having empathy and being polite and kind. I’d have preferred my daughter to ask if she could have a chair instead of grabbing. Some SENs are hidden.

ChagSameachDoreen were there other chairs not yet lined up? I agree with not being a pushover, but if we (even as adults) can avoid spoiling a game, getting in the way of photos etc then we should. We shouldn't be arsey just because we can, that isn't not being a pushover.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · Yesterday 22:14

Children are never to blame for behaviour. Clearly they aren't disciplined or comforted correctly 😂😂only on mums net do you get bat shit replies 😂

@ChagSameachDoreen wow you sound delightful.

I get it, we have a nephew who, when told off by anyone other than his mum, would run bawling to his mum, who would give him a cuddle and more or less tell him to ignore the telling off, even from his own dad. I swear I witnessed him deliberately do something he would get told off for to set off the chain of events that ended in cuddles from mum - there was an emotional payload there. Competition for being centre of attention and getting the upper hand. Younger children (his little brother or our own DS) might be antagonised or even risk being harmed to set up the chain of events. He once tripped DS up on a stone patio right in front of us, denied it and ran to mum. A repeat of that would have been a swift end to a fortnight's family holiday.

Nephew has turned out fine though. His little brother is quite intense and shy though, probably would have been anyway!

DSIL is a lovely person and mum, I think she just couldn't bear to see her precious upset, not in his best interests though! And like I say, nearly ended a fortnights holiday two days in.

Mu friend's children were like this. They really were a pain in the arse and I started avoiding them as much as possible. They've grown into lovely young adults though. Not sure if it was my friend's parenting but she got something right in the end.

She's said they are family, not friends. Probably more difficult to avoid I would think.

This!!

My step D acts the same as these children. You so much raise your voice 1DB and she's off thinking your the worst person ever. My partner rarely tells her off. She has little resilience.

I was screamed at a child and was very quiet for fear I would get shouted at by my parents.

My brothers kids are like this and they are 16 and 13, smallest thing turns into a massive drama all the time, it's exhausting. They are nice kids and I love them dearly but bloody hell, get a grip

"My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are."

I bet you are hoping that people will come along and tell you what a good parent you ar

I was the same as a DC in a era where it was frowned upon and often resulted in a louder shout or a smack so I wasn't using it to gain attention.

I was shy, insecure with terrible coordination and low self esteem, my emotions were highly charge and extremely sensitive.

If it is any consolation I'm tough as a pair of work boots and have the resilience of a lioness.

My DC believe I'm a warrior.

I briskly told the lad that he didn't own the place and my daughter had every right to take a chair This makes you sound socially incompetent and really odd.

You could have said something lighthearted to get the same outcome but instead (if your story is true, because I have met a lot of people over the years but very few that extreme) from your description you DID upset the child unnecessarily.

They are toddlers, and you are modelling very rude, over-assertive behaviour. I would not have accepted my child not being able to have a chair, but neither would I have been rude about it to a child.

There is definitely a tortoise and hare thing with kids. You can't really judge until they are adults, certainly not things like 'resilience' as life is so varied.

Also the OP describes the mother as 'lovely' etc. - maybe the children will end up as chips off the old blocka nd be lovely too, as a result of their lovely mother's approach.

My ds would have react like terribly to being told off. Absolute rule follower to the letter and was utterly shit scared of being told off.

never tantrummed, painfully polite. I cannot remember actually ever telling him off. Just very very sensible.

nothing to do with being scared of me. Just a very clear definition of what’s right and wrong.

secondary school and the being lumped together has been a hard lesson.