To think these kids need to develop some resilience

[PollysKettleIsOn]

Not my DC but a family members, we usually get together once a fortnight or so but have been seeing each other more frequently during the summer holidays.

They are 5.5 and almost 10 (I have three of my own who are 4.5years, 3years and a baby)

I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but atleast one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events.

The younger ones were messing around with a flask earlier on (her 5 year old DD and my 3 year old DD) and my DD got whacked on the arm with it. She was fine but i heard her say ouch. I asked, nicely, what had happened. Cue the 5yo starting to scream and cry uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes. I actually thought she was the one who got hit with it the way she was carrying on.

When she finally stopped her mum asked why she was so upset, her response was that she thought she was going to get into trouble. My 3yo DD, the one who actually got hit, just stood there looking miffed.

Later on she slid off the end of the slide and got a Teeny Tiny graze on her knee, off she was again for the next half an hour.

The older one is exactly the same if not worse. You only have to so much as ask him not to do something and off he goes, crying and wailing to the point he looks like he is hyperventilating. The children have never been hit or frightened by their parents or anybody else. There's absolutely need to act that way.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. If they need to be told off then they are, in a calm but firm manner. I don't have to bite my tongue in fear they're going to stand there shaking. I have on occasion had to raise my voice the same as everyone else and they don't respond with anywhere near that level of dramatics - and my eldest has special needs.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

My point was the OP was being falsely modest that she did not think her own children's good behaviour is down to her wonderful parenting, but does think her friend's kids' behaviour is down to bad parenting.

The OP may as well have just started a thread saying 'I think I am a better parent'. At least be honest.

Don't get me wrong I care about them, truly I do, but I don't know how their mum puts up with it.

It's the mums (and dads) fault though. It's just lazy parenting - they can't be arsed disciplining their dc's not realising they're just making things worse for themselves by not doing so. It's a double-edged sword. Don't discipline your child and let them think the sun shines out of their arse and they'll then go bonkers any time they don't get their own way or are gently chastised.

Children should be told "no" from a young age and have it explained to them exactly why that behaviour isn't ok. I have a similar situation with a friend (although they're older) and now only go round when her dc's aren't there coz I can't stand the way they speak to her and just get away with it.

Just because their mum panders to their tantrums, doesn’t mean you have to, especially if they’re with your children. If they fall, just check they’re okay, then make+a point of carrying on with the game.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

Do you honestly think she doesn't know this?

OP sounds like a mixture of 2 things.
Firstly some kids can just have more resilient personalities. One of mine is incredibly sensitive. Every single little hurt is the most painful thing ever and she can’t shrug off other kids even mildly unkind words or actions. She’s incredibly competitive so not getting something first is a big drama.
My other 2 are the opposite. Fall over and brush off and walk away. Actively say I’m fine and don’t want a fuss. If they are crying you really know something is wrong. The laugh off or make a joke out of anything anyone says to them.
Secondly, if they have been shown sympathy and attention after making a fuss about nothing then they will continue to do it and increase because what’s more lovely than mums attention?
Mum needs to asset herself and make sure they know that wailing because you might get told off isn’t actually helping and actually is going to get them in more trouble if anything. The older one at the very least should understand this.
They will develop different traits growing up- ie a sulk rather than wailing.

This thread has only touched anerve with me in that I really dislike sneering at other people's parenting and it makes me want to sneer back.
It is not touching a nerve about the issues described re. crying etc. as I haven't had that issue.

OP barely mentioned her kids other than ‘they don’t behave like that’. She didn’t say she was better or worse.

Disablist.

It's showing social prejudice toward disabled people by implying these child are showing negative characteristics (whining, over-sensitivity, inability to cope with setbacks, etc) that other posters might recognise as being associated with additional needs.

This

hahahaha of course not - that was my point - the OP is implying the comparison. The Op should just be honest and say 'this woman's parenting is shitter than mine'.

Who is sneering?!

It’s stressful AF to be around children who just scream and make a fuss and a big deal of nothing. OP was asking how to handle it.

Because I've seen them get away with things that, if they were anybody else's children, would definitely be spoken about.

Perhaps it's nothing to do with the lack of discipline at all, I may well be wrong as I can see from other posters that this behaviour isn't always to do with the parenting and if that's the case then fair enough.

They do need to toughen up though I stand by that.

I didnt read it as sneering.

The OP set out that its causing her to have some difficulty because she doesnt want her children round that. And I can understand that

Its not sneering, she is now going to have to try to work out what to do so that it doesnt affect her own kids and ultimately its not pleasant to be around anyway

Actually the term is ableist.

And no, people suggesting they must have a disability - which is inevitable on ‘bad behaviour’ threads - is what is ableist. Not people pointing out that those people will come along soon to say that.

Yes they do need to build resilience. But how? Everyone is automatically assuming it's the parents fault...and it sounds like it may be, but it isnt always.

I have one resilient child, who will fall over and be bleeding and get back up and play, and one who will shriek if they get a tiny scratch that surely can't hurt. We do discipline in what I think is a fair manner e.g. a firm talking to, explanation of what it's wrong and consequences and warning of a proportionate punishment (usually time out) but always results in a flounce, a sulk, a massive drama, and a very upset child. Taking to one side and quietly explaining why that behaviour is not acceptable and what behaviour we accept can have a better result...but still sometimes results in a massive over reaction. I've read parenting books, I've tried different approaches, I've got school pastoral care involved, I have arranged play therapy...but child is still a drama queen and very over sensitive. Its embarrassing and I'd be mortified if people were avoiding me because of it.

Well maybe if you’re reading this through a touchy lens it is. I just see it as she’s getting fed up this behaviour, it’s not behaviour she’s used to and it’s spoiling her days out.

The OP has no mention of 'how to deal with it' - the OP is a straightforward criticism.

No its showing an awareness of the pattern of posts on this site whereby every single unwanted behaviour of a child is explained as the child having some diagnosis, usually of SEN

Different methods work for different kids. But what never works is ignoring the problem. Not saying you do that but it seems like OP’s friend does.

She’s asked opinions on saying something to her friend, or reducing contact

I've said already but happy to say again - I am not touchy about the behaviour or the parenting. I do get touchy about threads that are basically 'oh isn't it terrible that some parents are much shitter than me' in the manner of the OP.

YANBU, they sound like pains in the arse

"SEN" is not a diagnosis of anything and you cannot be diagnosed with SEN.

SEN refers to educational needs in one or more areas resulting in a child requiring support in to access the curriculum. You don't need to have a disability or condition to have SEN, a child can be on the SEN support register purely for being significantly behind in one more areas and then when they catch up they come off the SEN register - I've had a child on there due to being behind in reading as they were such a reluctant reader they needed additional support to progress.

And disablist is an acceptable term, you don't need to correct it.