To think these kids need to develop some resilience

[PollysKettleIsOn]

Not my DC but a family members, we usually get together once a fortnight or so but have been seeing each other more frequently during the summer holidays.

They are 5.5 and almost 10 (I have three of my own who are 4.5years, 3years and a baby)

I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but atleast one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events.

The younger ones were messing around with a flask earlier on (her 5 year old DD and my 3 year old DD) and my DD got whacked on the arm with it. She was fine but i heard her say ouch. I asked, nicely, what had happened. Cue the 5yo starting to scream and cry uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes. I actually thought she was the one who got hit with it the way she was carrying on.

When she finally stopped her mum asked why she was so upset, her response was that she thought she was going to get into trouble. My 3yo DD, the one who actually got hit, just stood there looking miffed.

Later on she slid off the end of the slide and got a Teeny Tiny graze on her knee, off she was again for the next half an hour.

The older one is exactly the same if not worse. You only have to so much as ask him not to do something and off he goes, crying and wailing to the point he looks like he is hyperventilating. The children have never been hit or frightened by their parents or anybody else. There's absolutely need to act that way.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. If they need to be told off then they are, in a calm but firm manner. I don't have to bite my tongue in fear they're going to stand there shaking. I have on occasion had to raise my voice the same as everyone else and they don't respond with anywhere near that level of dramatics - and my eldest has special needs.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

Some kids cope early on others don't. My kids were and still are very different in terms of coping. My daughter would have a huge panic about getting into trouble. My son would be stopped in his tracks by the slightest chance of losing a treat. Just as adults can struggle so can kids.

Are you sure it's a question of resilience and that these kids haven't learned that they can get out of trouble with their parents by crying? I'd be surprised by the 10yo doing this since his peers aren't going to accept that kind of behaviour.

DCs were (still are) very different in terms of reactions to things, but my tantrummer would be immediately removed to a corner of the playpark and told that they have to wait their turn like everyone else, and that they are not to shriek like that

Absolutely this.

So as I mentioned on a previous page my eldest (4.5) is autistic. He has meltdowns. They don't happen very often anymore but they do happen. He has sensory processing difficulties and can get scared by sudden loud noises, like an ambulance or police siren whizzing by.

If I'm with family and he's edging towards a meltdown I remove him from the situation for his sake and theirs. I don't expect other people want to observe my son in distress any more than I want to observe continued screaming from other children.

Part of the issue here is that when these two children ball/wail/shreik for seemingly very little reason whoever is with them is expected to just suck it up as it's how they are.

She's said they are family, not friends. Probably more difficult to avoid I would think.

I avoid anyone that doesn't enhance my life, if i don't absolutely have to be around them (so basically? boss & coworkers). With family i am more likely to say "not hanging around with kids because they're too annoying" than i would to friends, and i don't have many qualms about it because life is too short. (I do sugar coat where necessary, I'm not an unfeeling monster)

Again you are posting about your exemplary parenting.

Maybe the other parent just has a different approach. See how you view things when both your kids are adults.

Personally I have no problem with another kid having a tantrum or a meltdown near me. It doesn't cause me problems. I am resilient enough to cope with that situation

I've decided I am going to say something to her about pulling back on the play dates a bit. I'll do my best to frame it as sensitively as I can. I think PP had a good suggestion, I could explain that DS finds the screaming quite unsettling as we all know he struggles with sudden loud noises etc.

He already wears ear defenders most of the time we're outdoors but even they do very little to muffle shrieking when it's within arms reach.

How is removing an upset child from a situation in any way comparable to exemplary parenting?

You must have a very low bar...

I was being sarcastic. I most certainly do not have a low bar

We all get it. You are a good parent, you remove your child, you think of others, you spot the signs and react.

I'm an ex-primary teacher, that species where most human ills can be cured with a smile and an application of a wet paper towel - so not helicoptery at all. I have two daughters - one of whom school staff have commented on being the most resilient little girl they've ever met who will just carry on trying, get back up and try again until she cracks it. She's formidable (and terrifying how determined she is) - but a lot of that is that she is undersensitive to lots of stimuli and her "stoicism" to the point of having really quite severe pneumonia but not showing it at all - is often down to that and her neurodiverse conditions.

The other child - well she did a drama workshop recently and was complimented on her dramatic deaths and this is pretty typical of her. She recently got her ears pierced (we made her wait until we were sure that she wouldn't freak out after one and she's been desperate for a good year or so) and, to quote her, "nearly died" in the experience. It's just how her personality is - I was similar as a kid, but my mum handled it by just yelling at me to stop and having a go at me, and it led to me having no self esteem at all and being really quite mentally messed up. For DD, it does come from a lot of a lack of confidence - and we try to build it up, praise and model attempts at sticking at stuff and fostering problem solving - which is starting to work as we move from immediate shutdown and refusal to try again - but to outsiders it does possibly look like we're being "soft" on her - it's actually that I know handling it one way will just escalate it into a massive situation and be counter productive. She doesn't get away with stuff - and she has very clear boundaries - but yep, she is one huge huge huge drama queen given the chance - and yes, we do gently take the piss over the "oh I nearly died having my ears pierced" melodrama.

They're both fabulous though - but both can be very hard to manage in their own ways.

Your eldest is 4. I wouldn't be congratulating yourself too much yet.

No congratulating here.

Was at a social thing at a friend's house recently. Her nephew was there - he's 7. He was playing with cars on the dining table and my friend said 'Nephew, can you play with your cars over there on the floor instead now, because we're about to put all the food on this table.' He said 'There's room for the food AND my cars' and my friend said 'No there's not, love, sorry - we're all going be sitting here to eat.' All of this said in a totally nice, kind, casual way.

The child burst into tears and threw himself on to the sofa facing away from everyone. When someone asked him what the matter was he said 'Aunty XXXX told me off' and then refused to get off the sofa, talk to anyone, come and eat any food etc. His mum, instead of either telling him to stop being so daft or simply ignoring him, went and sat with him for about 20 minutes, stroking his head, soothing him, saying 'Don't worry, sweetheart, Aunty XXXX didn't mean to upset you, it's all a bit much for you isn't it, I know you just wanted to play with your cars, sometimes people don't understand, would a cuddle make you feel better, darling...'

Apparently this sort of thing happens multiple times on any visit. He doesn't have any additional needs and basically his mum validates it every time by saying 'Oh, I know you're upset, you're my sensitive boy, aren't you...' as if this kind of thing is somehow admirable.

THIS! This is exactly the sort of thing that happens.

The eldest was in floods of tears last week because we wanted the kids to eat before the PC went on. The response he got... a cuddle and got to eat AT the pc 🤯

Maybe the other parent just has a different approach. See how you view things when both your kids are adults.

well, they are and they have DCs of themselves thanks. And they remove their children if they are disturbing others, after a short period to try to get them to stop.

Your bar is very low. Limbo style. you do you - but be sure if you are that parent who is watching indulgently while Jocasta screams for half an hour and my kids and i are being disturbed, yes i will ask you to take her away. If you're obviously trying to stop an uncontrollable child with whatever methods you find useful usually, I'll be sympathetic to both of you. If Tarquin is insisting he go on the slide first, even if he arrived there 30 seconds of everyone else, and you're asking them to be kind and let him go first to stop him screaming - I'm likely to laugh and tell the other kids to carry on.

Yes, if a child acts like that at school they don't get fussed over and 'let off' unacceptable behaviour. They would be told to calm themselves down and when they were ready to listen/speak calmly, then they would be spoken to about what had happened (if anything).

The eldest was in floods of tears last week because we wanted the kids to eat before the PC went on. The response he got... a cuddle and got to eat AT the pc 🤯
Yes that is extreme, ridiculous softly softly parenting.
She isn't doing them any favours.

They sound like absolute pains in the arse! and the mother infuriating.

I could not and would not put up with that ridiculous behaviour, be my own kids or anyone else's.

All you reveal here is your chip on your shoulder by resorting to stereotyping about Tarquin etc.

My bar is not low, my children are older and their actions speak for themselves, I've no need to justify my parenting here when they are out demonstrating their own characters.

My point is judging when your child is 4.5 is risky. There's a long road ahead.

I think allowing them to subject your son to discomfort is not on.
more so as the parents are family they should be trying to minimise distress to your son to make it as pleasurable for all.

Why are you spending time with my sister in law?
Once she told my dc (similar ages to hers) that they couldn’t say the word “ werewolf” because it might scare their cousins. Guess what word they used constantly all day?

Great post 👍

My nephew is exactly the same OP. To a tee. I know that there's nothing going on at home in terms of him being fearful of punishment (he's never punished). I genuinely think he can't deal with not being the centre of attention. I have three, he's an only child. Not sure if he's just not used to being challenged by others his age and younger. If I so much as raise an eyebrow at him for his behaviour the screeching starts.

So yes. I do think some children need to become more resilient. Not sure how though.

It would be interesting to know if they behave like this with other people. Their father. Their teachers. Or just with mum.

Some children hold themselves in or mask behaviours at school, which can make them more prone to outbursts at home as they feel safer there and have been struggling to control themselves all day.

I had to stop being friends with someone because they’re children were like this.

It was exhausting and spending time with them was extremely unenjoyable.