To think these kids need to develop some resilience

[PollysKettleIsOn]

Not my DC but a family members, we usually get together once a fortnight or so but have been seeing each other more frequently during the summer holidays.

They are 5.5 and almost 10 (I have three of my own who are 4.5years, 3years and a baby)

I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but atleast one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events.

The younger ones were messing around with a flask earlier on (her 5 year old DD and my 3 year old DD) and my DD got whacked on the arm with it. She was fine but i heard her say ouch. I asked, nicely, what had happened. Cue the 5yo starting to scream and cry uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes. I actually thought she was the one who got hit with it the way she was carrying on.

When she finally stopped her mum asked why she was so upset, her response was that she thought she was going to get into trouble. My 3yo DD, the one who actually got hit, just stood there looking miffed.

Later on she slid off the end of the slide and got a Teeny Tiny graze on her knee, off she was again for the next half an hour.

The older one is exactly the same if not worse. You only have to so much as ask him not to do something and off he goes, crying and wailing to the point he looks like he is hyperventilating. The children have never been hit or frightened by their parents or anybody else. There's absolutely need to act that way.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. If they need to be told off then they are, in a calm but firm manner. I don't have to bite my tongue in fear they're going to stand there shaking. I have on occasion had to raise my voice the same as everyone else and they don't respond with anywhere near that level of dramatics - and my eldest has special needs.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

What is it they have if you don't mind me asking?

I really think the heat does something to MNers too. It’s been a weird day.

or maybe people just have different opinions?! 😂

I said blame, not to be disciplined. There's always a cause for bad behaviour

I don't need to piss on somebodies bonfire to make mine burn brighter either. If this is true (I remain sceptical, you seem pretty keen to talk about how much better your kids are in terms of behaviour), if you do say something do not frame it in any way like your OP.

The best thing might be to just stop seeing them, as you do not seem to like spending time with them.

Yes, I agree. The noisy children who make loads of fuss over nothing are usually the ones whose every whim has been indulged and whose parents make a big fuss about every little thing.

A child who is scared of being told off, shouted at or physically disciplined will be a quiet little shrinking violet, who wouldn't dare to cry when they fell and hurt themselves in case it attracted attention.

Probably off topic but I’m beginning to hate the word resilience. It’s the new ‘unprecedented’ for post-pandemic times.
It’s like the government are sneakily weaving it to common parlance at every opportunity to shame us for not coping with the utter shit show we’re in, and to gaslight those of us who question it.
It’s horrible . It feels contagious. Everyone going on and on about resilience. I’ve heard it at three parents evenings so far this year.

@PollysKettleIsOn autism and adhd. I’ve just read that you have an autistic child, of course it impacts people differently. But are they genetic relatives? Because there’s a strong heritability.

I do wish my children didn’t do this tbh. It’s embarrassing and hard work. But I understand they are struggling to interpret the world. It did upset me to see people suggesting that the fear of getting in trouble means that the parent is disciplining them harshly or abusively. For mine, it’s just that they can’t interpret the world or process their own emotions, predict what might happen. Their screaming is a meltdown because they are overwhelmed and unable to process.

My dd (10) does exactly that and screams and runs off when she thinks she’s hurt another child by accident. Keeps up the screaming for hours sometimes.

I’m not saying these children are like mine, I can’t possibly know that over the internet. But just keep in mind that it may not be parenting.

It’s quite normal to find it wearing though!

Yeah, I know people think this about me. Especially when I don’t give them a bollocking for making such a fuss, and when I talk it through with them afterwards.

Are the parents what you would describe as ‘helicopter parents’?

Because a well known side effect of helicopter parenting is underdevelopment
of the prefrontal cortex, the consequence of which is a child who is unable to contain or regulate their own emotions-it also causes a lack of self esteem.

I had a friend like this, we’d been friends since school, but play dates became unbearable in the end-we went a few years without seeing each other, and met up again when our kids were in high school. The difference in maturity levels was startling. Haven’t seen her for a number of years again and probably won’t ever again now

Agree - it is toxic positivity and as on this thread is often used incorrectly.

Resilience means bouncing back after a set back. It is being increasingly misused to mean 'never getting upset in the first place'. Arguably a kid who cries a lot and then tries again is more resilient than one who is too thick distracted to notice what is going on in the first place.

It is just 'stiff upper lip' rubbish now.

YANBU. I’ve known a few kids like this and (excluding any children with additional needs) the common denominator is a parent or parents who only ever say “yes” and don’t believe in boundaries or discipline.

My nephew was like this, used to have some epic tantrums. He's autism/ADHD.

I can't quite understand why you keep attending these meet ups. You're not enjoying them and neither are your children. So just tail them off? Be unavailable for all or some of them, and just generally see them a lot less frequently?

I know kids like this too @PollysKettleIsOn. Mum makes every excuse in the book for the behaviour, always someone else's fault (and the kids lie too), and of course - the oldest immediately stopped the behaviour when at secondary school 🙄

The only thing I can suggest is modelling, praise your kids for being resilient and calm/brave in their presence, and don't let them get lumped with being responsible for other people's uncontrolled emotions. Be there for the mum, don't criticise, I'm sure she is finding it hard enough. If she asks, be kindly honest.

Good luck, these situations are so hard, especially when you genuinely love and like the people involved. We really do need our village, especially as the kids all get older.

Nah. You don't dare howl when you know you're going to be given 'something to cry about in a minute'.

Having been in and worked in several schools, I found the little one form entry schools were the worst in encouraging this kind of behaviour. There's caring and nurturing then there's pandering and babying. Often the latter from my experience and my goodness, the library looked like a & e some lunchtimes where little jonny had a extremely mild bump with another child in play but was lapping up the attention of staff with an ice pack firmly on said "wound." Poor staff having to fill out multiple forms etc.

In the bigger schools it wasn't so common and kids just seemed to be made of tougher stuff. It wasn't about neglect or letting bullying slide, but staff just didn't pander in the same way and kids just tended to be more resilient to bumps and falls.

My kids can be a bit like this at home and I agree it's bloody annoying. They don't when we're out as it'll get short shrift from me but at home (assuming we're not hosting others) it's a bit more let it all hang out. And they get upset and cry very very easily. I try to get a balance of not indulging it but also listening to how they feel. No idea if I have the balance right, I probably don't or it wouldn't be such a bloody problem. I'm a very sensitive person myself but have always suppressed it so I think there's a large element of just personality (some of which is heritable) that comes into these things.

It sounds exhausting going out with them. All I can suggest is that you model a breezy carefree attitude (not irritation or impatience) that your own kids can copy. Oh dear such and such is upset over non-event that isn't your fault? Oh well, go and play whatever you fancy and they can always join you when they feel ready.

On the plus side I know several young adults who were raised in gentle families where they didn't get told off and were consequently annoying at times to be around. They are all fantastic confident, competent and kind people now who are a joy to know. Not the snowflake cliche at all.

all kids demonstrate ‘unnecessary’ behaviour at times, whether that’s crying, being unkind to other kids, being over exuberant, overly loud, bad eating habits etc. Perhaps people are also judging you over something? Or are your kids superior in every way?

At times yes, mine too and that goes without saying.

But to this extent, every single time?!

To the PP's who queried additional needs. Mum has no concerns about that and she does have some experience of children with additional needs through her job.

To the PP who asked whether me and her children are blood related as I mentioned mine having autism, yes we are. My sons autism comes from his father's side though (father and DSS diagnosed with what was previously known as aspergers)

My DS automatically thinks he is in very serious trouble over minor issues he is a disproportionate reaction to situations as he has an emotional regulation disorder as a comorbidity of his ASD.

As a parent it can be a bit embarrassing and dealing with it softly softly in public helps.

I can create a social story later to teach him how to react but telling him to get a grip in the moment is not an option.

DS looks perfectly normal too excluding the hand flapping which adds to public pressure.

If he falls and has a minor cut you'd think his leg fell off, he'll scream cry fuss, as above it can be embarrassing.

Sorry, he has not he is.

I will say no ‘abused children don’t do xyz.’ Some children who have suffered abuse can behave badly in order to get attention. Some will echo/imitate the violence they see in their homes in order to act out their trauma/because they have learned that is how to deal with conflict. Some will be quiet and timid to avoid drawing attention
on themselves.

Not that I think these kids are abused, I think they’re just a bit spoiled and indulged. But I’m not keen on this silly ‘no abuse victims would never act like x, they only do Y.’

Neurodiversity can present in many different ways and can often go unnoticed. It may well run on your side too. As a parent of teens I’d say save your smugness. You may well be the one further down the line whose kids and parenting get scrutinised. I suspect you’d want a little more kindness. Pull back completely and leave her to develop more supportive friendships.

Sounds like they have a natural tendency to drama and it's been encouraged rather than kept at bay by firmer/more consistent parenting. If the first was already like that then there can be an element of learned behaviour the second dc is picking up. It becomes an issue when your dc are being asked though indulge it by always letting them go first, handing over toys etc. it's ok just to stand your ground in these circumstances and advocate for your own child

My ds has Sen and will massively struggle with coming second. I will comfort him as I know he doesn't understand but say "Jane got there first and that's ok." Never would I expect another child to have to lose at a game or deliberately come last to pacify him. That's not fair . I have a 3 year old niece who wants to win at everything (still a bit young and learning) they are hard work together as neither understand 😂😂