To think these kids need to develop some resilience

[PollysKettleIsOn]

Not my DC but a family members, we usually get together once a fortnight or so but have been seeing each other more frequently during the summer holidays.

They are 5.5 and almost 10 (I have three of my own who are 4.5years, 3years and a baby)

I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but atleast one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events.

The younger ones were messing around with a flask earlier on (her 5 year old DD and my 3 year old DD) and my DD got whacked on the arm with it. She was fine but i heard her say ouch. I asked, nicely, what had happened. Cue the 5yo starting to scream and cry uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes. I actually thought she was the one who got hit with it the way she was carrying on.

When she finally stopped her mum asked why she was so upset, her response was that she thought she was going to get into trouble. My 3yo DD, the one who actually got hit, just stood there looking miffed.

Later on she slid off the end of the slide and got a Teeny Tiny graze on her knee, off she was again for the next half an hour.

The older one is exactly the same if not worse. You only have to so much as ask him not to do something and off he goes, crying and wailing to the point he looks like he is hyperventilating. The children have never been hit or frightened by their parents or anybody else. There's absolutely need to act that way.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. If they need to be told off then they are, in a calm but firm manner. I don't have to bite my tongue in fear they're going to stand there shaking. I have on occasion had to raise my voice the same as everyone else and they don't respond with anywhere near that level of dramatics - and my eldest has special needs.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

I have 3 very different children all of whom are very different despite similar parenting. Some kids are more resilient, some are more easy going. It's largely due to personality rather than parenting skill.

Some children are just sensitive. It may not be down to the parents.

My children are younger than those mentioned but my daughter is extremely compliant, and gets very upset if she thinks she has been told off or is going to get told off. It worries me so much because it makes her vulnerable. I’m trying everything I can think of to give her a bit more resilience. It doesn’t stop me putting in place appropriate boundaries but I’m sure someone watching her dissolve into tears over the possibility of being told off would be mentally criticising me for being too soft. Unfortunately my son, her younger brother, is the polar opposite and literally could not give a sh**. He sits there and smirks at me when I’m stopping him throwing/hitting etc etc for the thousandth time in a day.

Children are all different. I’m sure it’s your super parenting that has taught your resilience just as it must be my terrible parenting that means my daughter has none.

I think parents need more resilience. Children only behave how they are taught, and many parents now are very snowflakey and precious about their children.

Honestly, this^^

There is no 'never' in any situation but one of the things we were taught to look out for specifically was under reacting.

I think a lot of parents fail to realise that their job is to raise adults, not children. Being able to deal with adversity and overcome it is part of being an adult

If all three are like this it's the parents overdramatising every little setback. There's lot of it about.

This! I have two children. Polar opposites. One highly senSitive mainLy due to his disabilities. The other couldn't ask for a better behaved More mature chikd. Both are loved and disciplined in the way appropriate for them. My parenting of the child with complex needs is at times c
criticized in spite of being much much harder and I doubt the critics would do any better if they had to deal with what I deal with every day. Not a word about what I do with my daughter. Even though its easy.

Being able to deal with adversity and overcome it is part of being an adult This is true, but there is actually no real link between being a weeper and being good at picking yourself up afterwards. There is evidence that those who can't express their emotions openly are less resilient as they do not get over negative feelings as quickly as those who let them out.

The word 'resilient' is being used now to mean something more like 'doesn't exhibit they are upset' but actually the old British way of bottling it up was not working in the modern, changeable world.

Absolute nonsense!

YANBU I stopped being friends with someone whose child was an absolute wet lettuce - she was older than DS and when they played near each other if he jostled her arm or something reaching for an item she would cry.

she had no qualms about pulling his hair and kicking him/snatching and the mother never did anything beyond bullshit “gentle parenting” chats so I gave up. That, and her mother let her shit in a travel potty in a food court.

For those "waiting for suggestion of SEN" . Having been through it, I guess some of us just jump straight to "This child\ parent is having difficulties they don't yet have skills to cope with. Rather than " terrible child, shit parent .

Another thing you look out for is violence in play/violence to peers as it indicates a reenactment of violent to themselves. That’s why there’s no point saying ‘abused children are/do x.’ Like anyone else, they exist on a scale and any information should be taken in context. Not ‘oh he shouts a lot? Then he’s obviously not abused because if he was he’d be quiet and timid.’

Well I suppose what’s being discussed with regards to resilience here is the massively disproportionate reaction to everyday things. A hugely out of whack reaction (crying and screaming at age 10 so you don’t get told off) doesn’t suggest a very resilient child.

I am with you OP, that nonsense would drive me nuts.

Think whatever you like bit it's not on you to say anything about it, they're not your DC so it's not your business. If they irk you so much then stop spending time with them.

Meh. They are family members? I'd definitely say things like "why are you making such a fuss over a tiny scratch" etc. And i would definitely tell the parents that if it doesn't stop i won' be spending time with them because it is exhausting and sets a bad example for your own DCs.

The word 'resilient' was misused by the OP and the thread has carried on misusing it.

Whether one cries loudly as a child or expresses anger/frustration loudly is nothing to do with resilience, the word is being trivialised to mean 'not expressing emotions in a noisy way'.

I think parents who have children who do not notice when they are hurt/upset or who brush everything off should be wary of feeling they have won the parenting trophy - brushing things off can mean we remain in negative situations much longer than the people who notice they are unhappy and complain, for example.

I think some children are a lot more sensitive than others. There is always one in my dc's classes who seems to be crying at every pick up. They usually grow out of it or just grow up to be a sensitive soul. It would annoy me being around them a lot though, maybe try and plan things apart from them.

Oh.

Here we go again.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with MN right now but there's an absolute deluge of posts on here recently slagging off sensitive kids. Cue the piling on of comments pointing out that kids need to be disciplined and toughen up blah blah. Usually served up with a side snark of "wait for the comments suggesting SEN".

Be glad when this trend passes.

You wonder why kids behave like this. It's obviously environmental ie someone has taught the eldest and the youngest has either followed or been taught the same.

Stop having play dates. Talk to their parents. Can't understand why parents accept these types of damaging behaviours....but like I said thry are learned and reinforced by something/someone at home...

Completely agree 👏👏👏👏

@carefullycourageous well put
Also repressing emotion for fear of rebuke

I can create a social story later to teach him how to react but telling him to get a grip in the moment is not an option.

I get that, but what do you do in the moment when every other kid in the playpark is having their enjoyment of the park disturbed by a kid shrieking because they have to take their turn on the slide? My DCs were (still are) very different in terms of reactions to things, but my tantrummer would be immediately removed to a corner of the playpark and told that they have to wait their turn like everyone else, and that they are not to shriek like that. Shriekers have to sit quietly for 10 minutes before they are allowed back on the equipment. And if it persisted? We went home. There were and are still no rewards for tantrums or bad behaviour in our hose (and the other DCs got to play games at home, while the tantrummer had to sit quietly with me and show they could play nicely.

Which is why it always irked me when i encountered a "but x is so sensitive can't you let them go first?" - that leads to people pleasers in some kids and entitlement in others.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with MN right now but there's an absolute deluge of posts on here recently slagging off sensitive kids

To be fair what people are slagging off is a lot of parents' complete inability to stop their sensitive child impinging on everyone else's fun. A couple of minutes of tantrum is one thing, 30 minutes of it? sure i will be judging you. Very harshly. And actually after 15 minutes I'd be asking you to make it stop (ND children notwithstanding, that's a whole different story)

I wonder if it is in some way linked to the fact we have had a very bad couple of years and are facing a very difficult/uncertain future - it drives some people to think they need to toughen their kids up.

You get the same thing around 'hard work' when economic times are tough.

Everyone, the tough nuts and the wets, are just fucked up crazy humans trying their best to do the right thing for their kids. There has always been a range, and most people wind up OK.

@ASimpleLampoon completely relate. I raised two fairly easy daughters with little critique. I now have an asd son who's needs are more complex and suddenly everyone has an opinion 🙄