To think these kids need to develop some resilience

[PollysKettleIsOn]

Not my DC but a family members, we usually get together once a fortnight or so but have been seeing each other more frequently during the summer holidays.

They are 5.5 and almost 10 (I have three of my own who are 4.5years, 3years and a baby)

I feel terrible saying this but I'm starting to dread these meet ups / play dates. You could bet your house on the fact that usually both, but atleast one of them will break into exasperated screaming multiple times for total non events.

The younger ones were messing around with a flask earlier on (her 5 year old DD and my 3 year old DD) and my DD got whacked on the arm with it. She was fine but i heard her say ouch. I asked, nicely, what had happened. Cue the 5yo starting to scream and cry uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes. I actually thought she was the one who got hit with it the way she was carrying on.

When she finally stopped her mum asked why she was so upset, her response was that she thought she was going to get into trouble. My 3yo DD, the one who actually got hit, just stood there looking miffed.

Later on she slid off the end of the slide and got a Teeny Tiny graze on her knee, off she was again for the next half an hour.

The older one is exactly the same if not worse. You only have to so much as ask him not to do something and off he goes, crying and wailing to the point he looks like he is hyperventilating. The children have never been hit or frightened by their parents or anybody else. There's absolutely need to act that way.

My DC on the other hand are alot more resilient. I'm not sure I can credit myself for that it's just who they are. If they need to be told off then they are, in a calm but firm manner. I don't have to bite my tongue in fear they're going to stand there shaking. I have on occasion had to raise my voice the same as everyone else and they don't respond with anywhere near that level of dramatics - and my eldest has special needs.

AIBU to think (perhaps even say) that the children need to develop some resilience because life will be very bloody hard for them if they don't. The eldest will be going to secondary school in no time and will end up (wrongly, obviously) becoming a target.

Oh get to fuck with the comments about "wait until posters start diagnosing them". It's not witty or wry. It's disablist bullshit.

Yanbu OP. You're perfect, your sister is a drip, your children will both grow up to be President of the World and hers will have sand kicked in their faces every day of their miserable impoverished lives.

That isnt what Im reading

She seems to be saying that the children are not responded to appropriately when they get upset. Comfort isnt just being 'lovely', its also reassuring a child that theres nothing wrong, so lets get on and finish the game/continue playing

Lets be honest, you can sit a criticise but you have no clue what works with which kids and the OP might be a right old bastard to hers. It is so easy to just assume there are no boundaries, but all we know is the kids cry.

I don't think it's anything to do with my amazing parenting. I'm faaaaar from a perfect parent. I would say my parenting is average. I'm not winning any awards 😄

Yep. I was physically abused and I wouldn't dare make a scene/fuss - it'd only get me an extra beating back at home.

I have one DC who is pretty resilient - most things are like water off a duck's back and another one who is similar to how you describe these. She flies into hysterics over the slightest thing. She is just super-sensitive. I have tried everything I can think of to build her resilience and she's a bit better with age but still what you would call "highly strung". I welcome your suggestions for how I can help her! I assume it's not just my bad parenting as other DC was parented the same and is not like that.

They get fussed over and whatever they were doing that prompted a telling off gets completely swept under the carpet.

They have her wrapped around their little fingers.

@basilmint

Have you tried any social stories/practices? Or depending on her age talking over her reactions after she has calmed herself down and suggesting reasonable coping mechanisms. Obviously not being ‘unpleasant,’ but more just saying ‘it’s not acceptable to scream for 30 minutes after being told not to do something. What do you think you could do next time instead of screaming for 30 mins?’ And help her think of some ideas ie go to room quietly/write down feelings in diary/tell mum what is wrong.

And who is that on this thread, and what way does that unpleasant person think it’s done?

I don't agree it's to do with wishy washy parenting. My friends kids are the same as you describe OP. Constant whining, big over the top performance over a slight bump or normal scuff in the park. My friend is over the top scary parent too, so nothing wishy washy there. I did find the constant interruptions when we were chatting in the park by her dc over non events frustrating and the constant need for attention/snacks/whining/a non event very annoying.

They are older now but still need to come and interupt/whine/ask for things they wouldn't normally want such as a game that's been gathering dust but just so happens to be in the room we're in.

Then why do you think the way her kids are is due to her (deficient) parenting?

Sorry but that conversation NEVER goes well. Most people have no self reflection skills when it comes to their children

Do you mean ableist? How is it ableist?!

Well then, it’s not rocket science is it? If I scream I won’t get told off. I don’t like getting told off, it’s annoying and unpleasant and stops me doing the thing I wanted to do. I’m going to have a scream. Yay, I’m not being told off!

People (kids and adults) want to do what they want. If they find a way that they can do that they’ll keep it up as long as it works.

Thanks for your observation on my choice of words, very pedantic of you.

As PP's have pointed out above, this type of behaviour regularly stems from children who have no boundaries.

They don't have boundaries.

I agree with this.

Sorry to read this
This was always the way with the children I knew from similar circs - no fuss/reaction.

Thanks @Kanaloa. Yes, tried lots like that, role playing etc. She is very into extra-curricular drama which is a good outlet for her but she still is prone to a lot of emotional outbursts. She is improving with age so hopefully will grow out of it to an extent. I am not always the most patient so it definitely isn't down to my gentle parenting style!

Ah, I see. To be fair if she’s improving bit by bit it may just be immaturity. And there is a long way between an ‘emotional outburst’ occasionally (as all kids have) and regularly screaming and crying for extended periods because you’ve been asked not to do something!

God this obtuse “why do you think her kids behaviour is down to her parenting” bullshit. It doesn’t take a genius to know that passive parenting where parents are petrified of their children leads to kids who have no boundaries and think any behaviour is acceptable.

I’ll say it, as a less than perfect parent - your kids and their behaviour is pretty much a direct result of your parenting.

Why is that so hard for people to believe?!

Sorry, what?

No I'm not. Her kindness is one of her best attributes and is the reason she has so many friends and people who love her.

Even lovely people need to raise balanced children though..

Not immaturity in a bad way, just normal immaturity from being young and not quite ‘there’ yet.

So your kids do have boundaries, and that is why they are 'resilient'?

We always get to this on these threads. Basically 'I am a better parent than this other person' - it seems you need the false reassurance of comparing.

There are many ways to raise children. Come back when they are thirty.

Healthy boundaries do make more resilient children. And more well rounded children.

I mean have I stumbled into the twilight zone - that’s really obvious.

I wonder if this thread has touched a nerve with some people.