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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

273 replies

notjustanana · 11/08/2022 09:59

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

OP posts:
Grumpusaurus · 11/08/2022 10:03

What a cheeky cow your DD is! I would actually put a stop on all childcare and help for a while, just to reset some of her attitude!

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 11/08/2022 10:07

Step back.

Seriously.

And she can peg out her own sodding laundry.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/08/2022 10:07

I agree with @Grumpusaurus . Let her run her own errands & pay for some childcare. It's time you used your time for you.

Lottie2shoes · 11/08/2022 10:08

A tricky one. Could have been alot worse, that's actually pretty tame in comparison to what you could have heard as in " you never overhear anything good about yourself".
Having said that, I would cut down on what you do for them as they obviously do not appreciate as much and feel they help you out rather than other way around.
Your time is for you and they decided on having the kids close in age etc so should learn to deal with it.
Enjoy your own life too.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/08/2022 10:09

Be less available for them op and make more time for you. .
I have adult dc and they don't take the piss.

Rogue1001MNer · 11/08/2022 10:10

I'd certainly let her know you overheard the conversation.

What happens next is up to her.

I'd have sent a text.

Dd, your stuff is outside. I didn't feel like coming in given the conversation you were having

Nicklebox · 11/08/2022 10:10

Hi I think I would be hurt if it was me. Maybe you need to distance yourself a little bit and not be so available for everything she needs. I'm sure you want to spend time with your grandchildren, but maybe stop doing so may errands/chores for her. Would you be able to have a conversation with her about how much she is expecting you to do. You could make some comments about being busy yourself, and needing more time for yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2022 10:10

Wow. That’s horrible. You’re doing them massive favours every week for days at a time.

If you’re happy looking after the DGC carry on but start ignoring or declining all other favours. They can do they own fucking laundry and pick up their own bloody parcels. Cheeky fuckers.

I’d be so hurt.

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/08/2022 10:11

Very upsetting to hear. But DD is responding to the friend, it doesn’t mean she’s telling the truth, what she really feels. She’s validating her friend’s feelings rather than contradicting her.

But I would make sure from now on that all help you give is for your benefit and enjoyment.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 11/08/2022 10:13

They are treating you like a skivvy. I'd never expect my mum to do all that. They are adults! Step back. Seriously.

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/08/2022 10:14

This is way, way too much. My mother lives nearby and we genuinely let her be a bit more involved than we would perhaps like because her other children don’t involve her at all and it makes her sad. So yes we let her do bathtime and stay sometimes to feel included. BUT when she does have the children its bloody helpful and I see it as a mutually beneficial arrangement - and that’s with her doing about 1/10 of what you do. It sounds like you do far too much and you need to be honest and say you overheard the conversation and are understandable upset.

i would not be happy with the SIL making fun of you at all. Not ok. At least your daughter shut it down somewhat

SpikeyHatePotato · 11/08/2022 10:14

Wow! I would definitely be upset if I heard that. I try really hard not to ask my mum for help because I know she has a life of her own, and always make sure she knows how much I appreciate it. She used to do quite a lot of childcare for me when I first went back to work, but I soon realised it was a bit too much for her and asked her if she wanted me to arrange something else.
its not fair to assume these arrangements will always suit everyone forever!

Asking you to go round and peg the washing out!!! no words Shock

I would definitely pull back on all the “extra” errands etc, although appreciate you may still want to spend time with the DGC.

thatone · 11/08/2022 10:14

It was not nice for you to hear that and your dd was very unfair but just bear in mind that sometimes when people are with friends they are trying to project an image of themselves. This may not be what she really thinks. Having said that, it does sound as though she expects too much from you. Does she show her appreciation>

TakeYourFinalPosition · 11/08/2022 10:14

Mmm I can imagine this was really painful to hear; but I also have friends who definitely give their parents/in-laws things to do to keep them busy and make them feel useful; and it’s been suggested to me a few times (on here and in real life) that I do the same to keep my overbearing MIL happier… she’s not the type of person who wants to do practical help, so I’ve never really considered it, but it seems quite common.

Its up to you how you proceed from here. If you’d like more time back, perhaps be less available? If you like helping and don’t need more free time, it sounds like it’s working for you all.

SalviaOfficinalis · 11/08/2022 10:14

I feel for you massively OP. I’d be so annoyed.

She is taking advantage massively (even if she doesn’t realise). She’s being really disrespectful in thinking you don’t have your own life and need to be fulfilled by her family.

My DM looks after my DS and I am eternally grateful. I’d never dream of asking her to do my odd jobs.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your DD and draw up some firm boundaries. Be very clear that you are happy to look after her children, but you will not be doing any of her errands any longer. You have your own errands to do that you have to fit in around your own job and looking after her children!

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/08/2022 10:14

If you’re happy looking after the DGC carry on but start ignoring or declining all other favours. They can do they own fucking laundry and pick up their own bloody parcels. Cheeky fuckers

@AnneLovesGilbert absolutely!!

Nekomata · 11/08/2022 10:20

That's awful! 😯

Definitely, take a step back from everything. Things like picking stuff up and pegging out her laundry.

She's your daughter but that was a mean thing of her to say.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/08/2022 10:20

I understand why you didn't love it, but as overheard comments go it wasn't unkind or unloving, and she clearly has a better relationship with you than either her friend or SIL do with their mothers. She said nothing bad about you, and although she definitely underplayed your contribution to their household, she was probably joking about keeping you busy.

I wouldn't take offence or fall out with her about it. But you could maybe re-evaluate how much you want to be available, and consider whether there are other things you would like to be doing with your spare time for yourself or with your DH. If you are always available your DD may think you just don't have much else on. Maybe this is the time to explore life outside of work and family?

RainyDays22 · 11/08/2022 10:22

Step back. No more babysitting, no more doing anything.
If she asks why "DD, I have my own life I can't keep running around after you. You need to start taking some responsibility."

Daleksatemyshed · 11/08/2022 10:22

The trouble with always saying yes to someone's requests I'm afraid, your DD asked, you did what she wanted, so your DD presumes you had nothing better to do.
I'm sure you like to see your DGC but that doesn't make you the free babysitter or the domestic help. Your DD's a cheeky madam and I'd be a lot less available in future. Let her do her own bloody errands

Brigante9 · 11/08/2022 10:24

Keeping you busy? Because you don’t have your own life? Honestly, OP, you sound like she’s taking the piss-get the washing in/peg it out/go to the shop for her? Major piss taking. Pull back a little, you’re working and have a life! I can’t believe you do so much. She appears to have a useful slave!

maddy68 · 11/08/2022 10:25

I don't think she said anything wrong? He was saying how much help you are and you enjoy it?

She was responding to someone else saying they wouldn't give you a key ?

However I wouldn't be going round putting her washing out she's an adult

Circumferences · 11/08/2022 10:26

Aw reading that makes me so sad.
You're really taken for granted. Your DD and GC literally have no idea how lucky they are.

RuthBrenner · 11/08/2022 10:28

I'd have blown my top there and then. Cheeky bitch, keeping you busy. Stop doing things for her immediately.

notacooldad · 11/08/2022 10:29

I definitely would not tell her I'd heard the convo but I would drastically cut down on errands so it was certainly noticable!
Having the talk will just make her careful what she asks for , suddenly stopping being so available will make her realise she has taken you for granted imo.