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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

273 replies

notjustanana · 11/08/2022 09:59

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/08/2022 10:30

i dont think its bad
obviously it is awful to hear people mention your input like that but it was just in response to a friend

JenniferBarkley · 11/08/2022 10:31

Wow you do a lot. We have young DC, both work fulltime and have no family nearby - that sort of support is the stuff dreams are made of! I would say my friends and family who have similar support generally don't appreciate how lucky they are, and how much time and money their family save them.

However, I would say it's clear your DD loves you, she gently stuck up for you and said how much she appreciates you being in each other's lives, she spoke about seeing you and talking to you every day as a positive thing.

It won't have been nice to overhear her painting it like she's doing you a favour - but this was probably so that her friend didn't judge her for taking advantage of you.

I think it's fine if you take a step back - you have your own life to run and don't need to be worrying about anyone else's laundry and parcels. But it does sound like you have a fabulous relationship with your DD and it would be a shame if that were damaged. We all say things we shouldn't, or that we don't really believe at times.

Circumferences · 11/08/2022 10:31

^ To put my previous comment into context, my mum passed away, my dad lives miles away, my husband's parents are both deceased.
It's one reason why we have an only-child despite the fact we'd love a larger family, but ad-hoc help and arrange child care from family is unavailable for us.
Our only child sees his only grandfather for a holiday maybe 2-3 times a year and I do all the work for that!

I'd seriously let your DD know you heard her conversation. She is so lucky and needs to appreciate it.

shrodingersvaccine · 11/08/2022 10:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

whatstheteamarie · 11/08/2022 10:33

It's best to be honest and explain that you think there has been a miscommunication.

You thought you were helping them as they needed help.

She thought she was giving you jobs to do to "keep you busy & involved".

Good thing is that you both will know where you stand. You can stop doing those jobs as you have your own life to lead and your DD can either admit she does need help or crack on with her own life and you get more free time to enjoy.

Win-win.

hewouldwouldnthe · 11/08/2022 10:36

Wow! I would be completely unavailable for 6 weeks and she would have to beg me to come back. I wouldn't do anything for either of them again and I would tell them I'd overheard their cruel conversation. Fuck them!

Amazongirl9 · 11/08/2022 10:37

I would definitely tell that you heard the conversation and see how she responds. I'd also being saying - do you realise I don't flipping well need to be kept busy thank you, so you can stop will all the little errands you keep sending me on.

PerfectRun · 11/08/2022 10:37

I took that as SIL saying he wouldn't want his mother to have a key.

I think it's a difficult balance for all involved. MIL used to complain she didn't see enough of DC, but then when we asked her to have them we got "I'm only wanted when I'm needed".

If you're giving too much for you, then ease off. If you enjoy it carry on. For an eavesdropped conversation, that could have been an awful lot worse and to some extent they were playing to their audience. It's probably true that they want to keep you involved, it doesn't mean they don't appreciate the help.

RuthBrenner · 11/08/2022 10:37

The thing is she could have said something along the lines of how much she appreciates everything you do and it's a god send that you help them out so much. Instead she chose to word it like she's doing you a favour and keeping you busy in your dotage.
She chose to big herself up in their eyes instead of you.

Carrotmum · 11/08/2022 10:40

I would take this opportunity to reevaluate how much you are doing in general. I’m a grandma but I work full-time so can only help at weekends and evenings, having my grandchildren to stay over or babysitting not a problem. My son in particular also asks for help from me and his dad with other things, sometimes we are happy to help but every now and then the expectations become a bit much so we have a quiet word with him and pull back for a while, this has not affected us seeing our grandchildren. Think about what you are happy to do, then talk to them calmly, refer to the overheard conversation or not as you see fit. Better a calm discussion about arrangements going forward rather than a massive row about you feeling taken for granted, things might be said face to face that might be difficult to come back from.

EdgeOfACoin · 11/08/2022 10:41

whatstheteamarie · 11/08/2022 10:33

It's best to be honest and explain that you think there has been a miscommunication.

You thought you were helping them as they needed help.

She thought she was giving you jobs to do to "keep you busy & involved".

Good thing is that you both will know where you stand. You can stop doing those jobs as you have your own life to lead and your DD can either admit she does need help or crack on with her own life and you get more free time to enjoy.

Win-win.

I agree that this is the best approach.

IncompleteSenten · 11/08/2022 10:41

I'd tell her I heard what she said and I'm sorry she feels like that, that I genuinely thought I was helping them not the other way round so I'll step back and come see them maybe once a week for a cuppa and use the time to join a club or start a new hobby

People need to stop sucking it up when someone's being an arse.

Wnikat · 11/08/2022 10:43

Sorry but texting your mother to ask her to peg your washing out? She can sod right off.

DilemmaDelilah · 11/08/2022 10:43

I imagine she probably feels a bit guilty that you do so much for her, so framed it that she was helping you to her friend. However you probably should think about the help you give her - is it help she actually needs? Or is it help she likes but could actually do herself? Don't stop giving the help she needs (unless you want yo), but think twice about the other stuff. There is no reason why you should run yourself ragged doing things for her when she could quite well do them for herself.

Wanderingowl · 11/08/2022 10:44

To be as fair as possible, I can imagine that maybe your DD knows everything you do for her is for her benefit but was trying to sound 'cool' in front of her friend. Which tbh, is a stretch, because she's in her 30s and not 14. I'd step back from all you do for a couple of weeks and if she asks why, let her know what you heard. She maybe needs a reminder that your help is for her benefit more than anything, even if you do love the closeness it gives you with your DGC.

I moved back to my home city when I left my XH and my DS was very young and both my DP helped me out enormously. I'd never, ever, ever suggest that this was for their benefit, even though I know that they are ultimately pleased that they have had such a constant role in DS's life, which they had not expected to have when he was born. It's benefitted all of us, but ultimately I know they help me more than anything else and I'd never, ever insinuate otherwise to anyone.

SheWoreYellow · 11/08/2022 10:47

I don’t know, DD said you help?

girlfriend44 · 11/08/2022 10:49

RainyDays22 · 11/08/2022 10:22

Step back. No more babysitting, no more doing anything.
If she asks why "DD, I have my own life I can't keep running around after you. You need to start taking some responsibility."

Quickest way to start a rift.

Notfancyfree · 11/08/2022 10:52

I think you should definitely tell her you overheard the conversation. I have had huge rifts from issues like this being acted in but not confronted. She may have been trying to appease her friend or downplay her reliance on you because her friends and family aren't as lucky. Discuss with her But also explain that she doesn't need to keep you busy as you have your own life.

Els1e · 11/08/2022 10:52

Ouch. Like someone said, it could be your daughter was just trying to make her friend feel comfortable. Next time she asks you to do something, just ask - is this because you genuinely need help or because you want to keep me busy. If it’s the latter, I’ll pass, thanks, as got plenty to do myself.

IncompleteSenten · 11/08/2022 10:53

I can think of a quicker way.
It involves talking about your mum like she's a bit of a pain in the arse, you don't really need her but you like to keep her busy.

SomeMoreGinPlease · 11/08/2022 10:53

I wish I had a mum who helped out as much as you do. Your DD is being a CF. Step back. She'll soon enough realise what it's really like having to do stuff by herself.

FourTeaFallOut · 11/08/2022 10:54

Jesus, how rude. I suppose these are the lies people tell themselves when they are still utterly dependent on their parents as adults.

ColadhSamh · 11/08/2022 10:54

Too many excusing the daughter's failure to support her mother. There is no excuse or justification and OP's hurt is perfectly understandable.
OP did your daughter contact you and ask why you left the items on the doorstep and not let yourself in as usual? Surely that would have triggered some concern and alerted her? Very strange if she hasn't bothered.

Sceptre86 · 11/08/2022 10:55

I find that some people who get help from their parents are often so entitled. They too often feel that they are doing you a favour rather than the other way around. I would be picking up the phone and speaking to your dd about how hurt you are. That whilst you have been happy to help you won't be taken advantage of and going forward she will have to do her own errands. If you do go down this route please be firm and stick to it. With 3 under 5 and working full time she was always going to be up against it but presumably it was her choice to have such small gaps between her children? I think she needs a wake up call. Your day off should be a day for you to do your own errands and to enjoy.

Loics · 11/08/2022 10:55

I think I would cut down on the amount I did for her, and letting her know it was because I had so much of my own going on!
The suggestion that she was trying to look "cool" to her friends could be the case, but is pretty sad if that's the case for a woman in her 30s with kids. Son-in-law was unpleasant and rude.