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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

273 replies

notjustanana · 11/08/2022 09:59

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

OP posts:
ChampagneCharlieIsMyName · 11/08/2022 10:57

I’d be telling her what I’d overheard. Then explaining why I wouldn’t be helping out anymore.
simple as that.

Quitelikeit · 11/08/2022 10:57

If you’d like to pull back from doing so much then the easiest way is to do it gently and not mention the conversation. She might be a bit miffed but nothing will happen

however if you are happy to keep doing the level of stuff you are then I think you could mention it

Mardyface · 11/08/2022 11:00

Ouch that must have stung.

However looking at the content of the conversation, I would remember that there is a lot of jealousy and bitchiness around childcare and family help. I didn't get any and I must admit it was quite difficult not to feel resentful of people who had a great relationship with their parents and lots of help from them. DD may have just been trying to stave this off by reframing it.

I would try to have a very open conversation about this rather than an argument, eg, I heard the conversation you were having and I felt really hurt and taken for granted. Lots of 'I feel' rather than 'you did this'. If you have been doing more than you feel comfortable with then yes step back a bit. I would be wanting a full apology from DD & SIL and reassurance that he values having you around too. Only you know if that's enough to make it OK.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2022 11:00

You sound amazing. So kind of you to help your dd out so much.

I would have to talk to her about it, calmly. Say you didn’t realise she thought she was doing you a favour, and didn’t in fact need the help. Take the opportunity to take a step back and do less.

Certainly don’t be pegging their washing out, that’s a massive p* take.

FourTeaFallOut · 11/08/2022 11:01

ChampagneCharlieIsMyName · 11/08/2022 10:57

I’d be telling her what I’d overheard. Then explaining why I wouldn’t be helping out anymore.
simple as that.

Or you could put the whole sorry on MN, on which she is a member, make the details so very specific that she knows it's her and demonstrate her selfishness via the gazillion posts saying as much?

I mean 😁 🍿 just waiting for the dd's response.

newbiename · 11/08/2022 11:02

Bloody cheek.
I'd have to tell her I'd overheard and tell her I certainly don't need their help to 'keep busy'

Tell her you're happy to babysit (if you are).

MangoBiscuit · 11/08/2022 11:03

I would also have to talk to her about it. If you don't, the resentment will build.

Tell her calmly that you have heard, that you found it very hurtful. You were of the belief that you helping her so much was for her benefit, and you didn't realise that she was doing it solely for yours. As such, you will not be helping out with the ad hoc things, as the rest of your life keeps your quite busy enough, and as your help isn't actually essential, you would quite like to get some of your time back.

Rheia1983 · 11/08/2022 11:04

OP, your DD sounds unappreciative of all you do for her and as if she is taking you for granted.

I'm sorry that you had to hear what you did and don't find it unreasonable that you feel hurt💐

Damnautocorrect · 11/08/2022 11:05

My mum does all you do for my sister and more.
i sit back and watch as my sister floats through life oblivious to the fact my mums an unpaid house keeper. She’s utterly taking the piss.
in my mums case she’s too scared to say anything in case the grand children get taken away.

your daughter bloody lucky to have you. I’d say you heard and your hurt. The only get out is there may have been some context or wink or something your not privy to.
tell her your hurt or resentment will brew.

Snoredoeurve · 11/08/2022 11:06

It sounds like your DD is justifying it in her own mind.
Rather than I need my DM help, my DM needs to help me so she keeps busy.

Time to massively pull back Op.

Sorry no Im busy, no pegging out washing- I mean WTAF!
No to collecting parcels-Im busy .
Shes being very cheeky but you are letting her.
Just be busy with your own stuff.

chocaholic73 · 11/08/2022 11:06

Wow - she's really got things sorted well hasn't she, with you running around after her and the family. It's true lots of grandparents do childcare and it does mean you get the chance to form a good relationship with the grandchildren which is great but you are still working part time and have your own life. Why are you collecting parcels for her and pegging out her washing for her? It really doesn't sound as if you're valued and you do need to either bring up the conversation you heard or, if you feel that isn't a good option, be less available. Maybe be busy on the day you don't have the children and stop running around after them.

Samarie123 · 11/08/2022 11:09

I can’t really see how this would upset you. Your DD was sticking up for you and being kind.

godmum56 · 11/08/2022 11:10

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/08/2022 10:20

I understand why you didn't love it, but as overheard comments go it wasn't unkind or unloving, and she clearly has a better relationship with you than either her friend or SIL do with their mothers. She said nothing bad about you, and although she definitely underplayed your contribution to their household, she was probably joking about keeping you busy.

I wouldn't take offence or fall out with her about it. But you could maybe re-evaluate how much you want to be available, and consider whether there are other things you would like to be doing with your spare time for yourself or with your DH. If you are always available your DD may think you just don't have much else on. Maybe this is the time to explore life outside of work and family?

I bloody well would take offence. She shouldn't be "validating the feelings of others" at your expense whether or not she thought you might hear! I'd go a bit cool and see what happens.

TiddleyWink · 11/08/2022 11:10

Absolutely tell her you overheard and we’re hurt and surprised that they see you as needing to ‘keep busy’ given your busy job and everything else you have on.

‘For the avoidance of doubt DD, I help you out to HELP YOU, which I’m happy to within reason but you ask a lot of me, far more than many people would do. I’ve always assumed this was because you weren’t coping which is why I’ve gone out of my way to help but what I overheard indicated that isn’t the case at all so from now on I’ll help with the kids but please don’t bother directing requests for hanging out the washing to me’.

MsRosley · 11/08/2022 11:11

I would tell her I heard the conversation, and give her a chance to explain herself. Then explain that you do have more to do in your life than help her out. She owes you a sincere apology.

GrainOfSalt · 11/08/2022 11:11

Ok to be devils advocate I read this differently. SIL (and friend) being bitchy, and DD playing down the obviously good relationship you have. I said about my mum looking after DS keeping her busy in the past and that she loved doing it but it wasn't meant in a dismissive way (by the way I'm definitly not the daughter and that will be clear if the OP searches my previous posts) 😄

RudsyFarmer · 11/08/2022 11:12

I have to say I sniggered at that. Cheeky cow. It sounds like the kind of shit you say to your friends when you’re showing off a bit. Probably not how she actually feels but putting it like that makes her feel better.

I think you should gently say something or else you’re going to fester on it. Go out for coffee, just the two of you and explain that you heard the conversation and explain how it made you feel. Also say that you are very busy and thought you were helping her and not the other way round. To please not ask you to do tasks unnecessarily if they aren’t genuinely helpful to her. She is NOT going you a favour with any of these tasks. Then see how the conversation goes.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 11:12

MrsLargeEmbodied · 11/08/2022 10:30

i dont think its bad
obviously it is awful to hear people mention your input like that but it was just in response to a friend

It's ungrateful is what it is, doesn't matter if she was responding to her friend or not. My mother helped me out so much with childcare when my two were younger and I was so grateful to her for that, I would have felt like I was betraying her if I had a conversation like that with a friend about her. Anytime it ever came up (and still now when I talk about when my children were younger) I would say to anyone how lucky I was that my mother did that for me

OP, I would tell her you over heard her and tell her how hurt you felt and how cheeky you thought it was that she was framing it as she was the one doing you a favour

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2022 11:14

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2022 11:00

You sound amazing. So kind of you to help your dd out so much.

I would have to talk to her about it, calmly. Say you didn’t realise she thought she was doing you a favour, and didn’t in fact need the help. Take the opportunity to take a step back and do less.

Certainly don’t be pegging their washing out, that’s a massive p* take.

Actually yeah that might be a better way around it, take what she said literally and watch her back track and grovel :p

notacooldad · 11/08/2022 11:14

Sorry but texting your mother to ask her to peg your washing out? She can sod right off.
🤣To be fair sometimes my son asks me to do this and I dont mind if I'm nearby. However if he comes to our house and we have nipped out he pegs ours out or brings it in if it's dry. Swings and roundabouts I guess!

Rowen32 · 11/08/2022 11:16

I honestly didn't think it was that bad. Can you tell her you overheard and it's hurt you and ask to discuss it further?
In moments like that we often don't know what to say - she may have felt under attack that her relationship with you is so different to what the others have and they were kind of having a go at her so she may have tried to make it out to be different than it is because she felt judged..
Having said that I would not be asking my Mam to do all those little errands 🙉

Dotcheck · 11/08/2022 11:17

I would just say that you overheard the conversation, and say that you are perfectly capable of keeping yourself amused, but that you help out because you live them.

Me being me, I’d probably make a sarky comment about how shitty her friend is.

Who is SiL to you?

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 11/08/2022 11:17

*whatstheteamarie · Today 10:33

It's best to be honest and explain that you think there has been a miscommunication.

You thought you were helping them as they needed help.

She thought she was giving you jobs to do to "keep you busy & involved".

Good thing is that you both will know where you stand. You can stop doing those jobs as you have your own life to lead and your DD can either admit she does need help or crack on with her own life and you get more free time to enjoy.

Win-win.*

This

Mulhollandmagoo · 11/08/2022 11:17

Very upsetting to hear. But DD is responding to the friend, it doesn’t mean she’s telling the truth, what she really feels. She’s validating her friend’s feelings rather than contradicting her

I don't agree with this, my mum does some stuff for us, and it that situation, I would have responded something like 'Oh god no, I wouldn't be without her!'

Dotcheck · 11/08/2022 11:17

*love them!!