To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

[notjustanana]

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

I wouldn't let on I'd heard that - but I would take several massive steps back. She's a completely cheeky cow and I'd be furious! I think you suddenly need to "get your own interests" and "keep yourself busy" in other ways!

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.

Hmmm.. I think maybe your DD will see this and get the message! 😂

That would be one way of dealing with the situation 😂

I would use this as an opportunity to reset your boundary.
Use it to your advantage.
.

Whilst the comments as you heard them could definitely come across as quite hurtful, I would bear in mind that sometimes what people say to friends is not necessarily a true reflection of their feelings. Some people feel the need to put on a front, or play a role, you know?

Maybe speak to your daughter and ask her if she'd like you to step back a bit, you might find she changes her tune sharpish!

You sound like a lovely person OP, and I don't mean to upset you by saying this, but your daughter sounds like an utterly spoilt brat who's never grown up.

Can't believe how many people are defending your cheeky daughter.

Why do you do so much for her OP? It's not even like she's a young adult just starting out. She's a middle aged woman with 3 children and has got you picking up her parcels and pegging out her washing? Seriously?

My DM does like being kept busy and is 82. If I hang all the washing out or load the dishwasher all the time she moans and says "Leave things for me to do!"

I would have a gentle word about them taking you for granted and only offer the help you actually want to but I don't think it was unkindly meant. If I overhear my DM speaking to her friends on the 'phone she says all manner of daft/incorrect things!

I don't know how old you are OP but if you don't put the brakes on this amount of help it will only get worse when you retire, and have all that "free time"!
I would give the door key back , it will limit your involvement.
What annoys me particularly about this (and I have friends who echo my sentiments on this) that your DC's have no appreciation of how much you slow down as you get older and what seem doing a few bits and pieces to your adult DC's are often something that can be tiring and time consuming for you.

I sadly have no GDC's but know many of my friends have their whole lives organised around their childcare duties, and woe betide them if they want to do something else on their childcare days!
OP your DD is very fortunate and you are extremely generous, overly so, start being a little more selfish, make her and Son-in-law appreciate how lucky they are!

^I don't know how old you are OP but if you don't put the brakes on this amount of help it will only get worse when you retire, and have all that "free time"!
I would give the door key back , it will limit your involvement^

OP should only do what she is comfortable with, but when she is older it might be that she needs a bit of help herself. Once my parents and inlaws were in their late 70s/80s the balance definitely tipped the other way.

I can only imagine how hurt you felt when you overheard the conversation.

Its a classic case of feeling taken for granted. Your DD will/should be horrified when she realises you overheard the conversation. You should let her know.

You should also let her know that you were disappointed in you SILs comment. They will be embarrassed, and they will have a silent chuckle amount themselves privately, but that's what self entitled people do, they won't realise what they had until its gone!

I know you love the GC, there's no need to fall out over it, but I would take a little step back and not be so available in future.

I would also hand back the key to the house! just to make my point!

Also Agree this is a great idea

Thank you for all the replies and I'm glad not many seem to think I'm silly for being upset.

For those that said the words my DD said weren't that bad, I agree but it was the sentiment behind them that shook me. I genuinely believed I was being so helpful and easing their load a little. I am someone whose first instinct is to say Yes, rather than No. Now I feel that they allow me to do things to appease me on some way. I'm feeling h a bit like an interfering mum or MiL.
I also do a bit for my step daughter, who has 2 kiddies. I met her dad when she was an adult so did not bring her up in any way but I love her kids like my own DGC. I babysit hers too and she also asks the occasional favour (but doesn't live nearby so not as much). I've often driven over at short notice to help her out. She relies on me more than she does her own mum! But now I'm thinking perhaps I'm just a pushover?

I do need to rethink my boundaries. It's something my DH has said to me in the past but I've ignored him 😳

Your dd is a lazy selfish cheeky cow!

I agree with pps that your DD was ‘performing’ for her friend & the conversation didn’t descend into a spiteful MiL slagfest.

However, your reaction to her comments & your feelings are what matters.

You could have breezed in, joined in the joke or ignored what you overheard & been utterly fabulous but understandably your emotions - shock, anger, hurt, shame etc - wisely too you away from the scene.

This has hurt because you know at your core that you are doing too much, giving too much & you have been shown (or heard) that your DD & SiL take you for granted, will not speak up for you in the midst of friendly banter. Their lack of respect for you has been shown.

You work p/t in a demanding role, you do far far too much for your DD, your SIL because he has to do less to do for his family, & loads for your beloved GC.

It’s time to regroup & work out your new rules of engagement.
No more errands, no more favours.
Minimal ad hoc childcare - medical emergencies only.
Reduce routine childcare now.
The new term starts in a few weeks, so start as you mean to go on - tell them what you will & will not do.

Your DD & SIL need not know that you overheard them, because then it becomes all about them rather than what you need & want to do. It is enough that you want to do things differently - it is your life, it is your time & energy to use for your benefit & enjoyment.

What can they do for you?
Trade some favours, get them busy while you watch the kids.
DD does your shopping?
SiL does the garden twice a month?

Loads here on MN & pop over to Gransnet for a tales about Gparents being overwhelmed, stressed & exhausted to the point of detriment by looking after GC beyond what is reasonable.

Your accidental eavesdropping has done you a favour, a gentle wake-up call about stacking your priorities, commitments & boundaries to your needs & preferences.

I think she was projecting an image to her friend. She does appreciate your help but didn't want to look as though she wasn't going with 3 little ones without your help. She wanted to look together and unfortunately didn't portray the true picture. What you should have heard is we really appreciate mum and I don't know what is would do without her.
I wouldn't mention you heard. If she gets defensive it could all go a we not pear shaped and long term relationship damage can start with relatively trivial issues. I would be a bit less available though. Do it cheerfully though, not as though you have an issue. ..:sorry DD I am just going out ... Can't do it today
Not just for jobs but also sometimes for childcare. Little children are hard work and just because you enjoy your dgc' doesn't mean you should be always available As you are older with a job they will tire you just as much as your DD. It's good to give them a break, but absolutely only if it is recognised as such by your sil and DD. It is a sad fact that those who are always available are not always appreciated as much as those who are only sometimes available 💐

It's not appeasing you though is it when actually they are constantly asking you to do all of this. You sound like such a lovely, kind mum and you deserve to be appreciated.

Also…start charging for childcare.
Either they pay you or someone else.

Time spent in the working week on childcare is time that you could be earning more for yourself as extra days or longer working days.

Your time in the working week has an opportunity cost - spent as paid childcarer/paid NHS employee/carefree MNetter.

I'd be very hurt if they think they are keeping you busy as a favour! Outrageous!
I'd text and say you overheard the conversation and say you've always had lots to do and were helping out of love and care.. and would've expected that in return from them
Put yourself first OP, they don't appreciate you

I really hope your daughter does read this thread and realise it's about her!

Those people defending her and saying she's projecting an image - that's not an excuse! In fact, in some ways it's worse! None of my friends would ever dream of putting down their parents and being so condescending in order to seem cooler to their friends.

And putting the op down and being condescending is exactly what she did. Her friends also sound awful.

Faux niceness, faux sympathy, faux generosity are not good qualities - they're manipulative and devious, designed to elevate the person who inhabits them above those they speak of, who are often kinder and braver.

It's an extension of virtue signalling and it's bitchy. The ops daughter has no shame in taking full advantage of her own mother while putting her down behind her back. She ought to be ashamed of herself.

Op - you are lovely and I know there are many people who'd give their right arm for a mum like you. Agree that you need new boundaries and I hope your daughter comes to appreciate you.

I wouldn't necessarily take offence at what your DD said. It might be that she really needs and appreciates your help, but said what she said to her friend because she didn't want the friend to judge her for relying on you so much when friend clearly doesn't have that relationship with their own mother.
I might be tempted to raise it in a friendly non-confrontational way. Just explain that you overheard the conversation and wanted to check how DD feels about you helping out. Perhaps explain that you enjoy helping out when it's needed, but that you don't need her to create jobs for you to do, you're perfectly able to keep yourself busy - or not busy, when you want a rest!
You sound like a wonderful lovely mother that most people would cherish.

I agree that it’s time to really consider your boundaries. What are you ok with doing and what would you rather not do? It’s ok to say no sometimes.

@notjustanana your update came in as I posted.

DD & SDD…far too much on you.

Your DH has your back on this, it’s time to pay this matter some prompt attention, particularly as the new school term looms.

You & DH can present a united front as you untangle the unspoken obligations as well as the everyday practical stuff that you are rescheduling.

As others have suggested, be less available for the little stuff as well as reconfiguring the big commitments such as school pick ups etc.

I would be devastated. How extremely patronising and deeply unpleasant. I would say to DD that you overheard the conversation with the friend and SIL. That you don't need to be kept busy longer and you will go back to hanging out your own washing and collecting your own parcels, rather than hers. I would never take my DM for granted as your DD does you. It sounds as though you have gradually become overinvolved, so withdraw a little.