To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

[notjustanana]

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

My mum is very similar and lovely! If trying to find a way to defend DD the only situation I can think of where I might say something similar is if the friend has a difficult relationship with their mum. I have played down things like this in the past where is friend isn't in touch with their parents or don't get any help etc. just to make them feel a bit better but I don't think that way really. Might be something similar? xxx

Your dd was probably saying that to negate her husbands cheeky comment (likely a joke) but she couldn't be honest enough to say "i don't know how we would manage without her, she is a huge help" as this may infer she can't manage.

Either way i would take a huge step back. Help with the children as much as is enjoyable to you, but don't be picking up dry cleaning or hanging washing etc

Try not to feel hurt though, there is nobody in this world that thinks asking people to do the essential every day tasks you are doing to be kind to you, she must know she is the one who benefits. Her comment is a reflection on her, not on you.

to be fair, some of your updates make you sound as though this is a bit of your own making -doing her errands in your lunch hour, pegging out her washing, ffs, offering to do things she hasn't even asked you to do, not having a single real day off without babysitting all scream MUG!
honestly, do you like to be needed a bit?
Perhaps its 50/50 - obviously your dd and stepd hugely benefit from you being so helpful and she definitely should have made that clear to her friends BUT if you didn't offer she would be perfectly fine picking up her own dry cleaning and doing her own errands.

I think a key element is does she ever help you out, at all? Possibly not an equal exchange, as childcare forms a big part of how you help her, but does she, your SIL or StepD give you lifts anywhere, or buy you something nice as a thank you for helping her, take you out to the theatre now and again, do IT/decorating/DIY/car maintenance/bake cakes/pet sit for you (I'm trying to think of examples of things where x family member has a useful talent rather than making generalisations like the 'older' generation need help to set up their ipad btw!). Because that suggests a healthier relationship, with family members who all help each other out as and when, even if it's not always an exact reciprocation, whereas if they do nothing at all and it's always you giving and them taking, it sounds as though you are still stuck in a dynamic where she is still a child, rather than a fully grown adult who is your child

This is spot on.

I think you love your DD to pieces and have very few boundaries. Somewhere along the line the fact that you are both adults with adult lives has been lost.

There is a line between doing childcare for GCs that you love, and a DD that drops hints for you to hang out her washing, or pick up her parcels in your lunchbreak and you just go running.

I think unwittingly you have set up the way your DD and SIL think about you - and finding out that they aren't just really grateful to have a loving DM who will drop anything to do them a favour has been really hurtful.

From your DD's perspective - she has never had to grow up and fully cope on her own as you will always do everything. Some of her 'hints' are frankly taking the piss. So she does take you for granted and when she thinks about why you would do all this, she assumes you have nothing better to do and need to be kept busy.

From your SIL's perspective - his MIL is round all the time! He might well want a bit of space. It would probably come as a shock to him not to have your hard labour on tap as he and your DD would have to do their own chores, but what he could see in that conversation is that he is trying to run an adult relationship with your DD but you are always there. He may not even realise it's because DD asks you in all the time.

I'd suggest you do take a step back and think about your boundaries. Your DD needs to be an adult, and she and SIL need to solve their own problems without always defaulting to 'we'll ask mum.' And you clearly have better things to do than running after them in your lunch hour.

What about drawing a line eg childcare yes, no more parcels or washing. If your DD comes out with 'Oh I have a parcel' you can just ignore the heavyhanded hint and carry on talking about something else. Maybe your newfound interest in yoga/painting/volunteering/goatherding or whatever it is that you would like to do for you.

@AnnaMagnani thank you , you seem to have it spot on. I have never given it a seconds thought. If I could do it, I did it and just assumed they were grateful. But this has made me think.

Funnily enough, I've just remembered that I had a conversation with DD a few weeks back as my sons wife is pregnant with first baby, they live a few hundred miles away (in a beautiful tourist spot) and my DiL sort of jokingly suggested I go and stay with them for a few weeks when baby arrives to help out. My DD was outraged at the cheek of her brother taking advantage of me!

I won't be doing this as I have job, DH and a life but again, if o was fully retired and able to help I would.

More like she doesn't want you helping anyone else out.
I'd go and help your son he needs it as much as your dd

More like you wouldn't be available for her.🙄

I really hope you reset a bit.

my DiL sort of jokingly suggested I go and stay with them for a few weeks when baby arrives to help out. My DD was outraged at the cheek of her brother taking advantage of me!

Why would your daughter assume that you would be taken advantage of?

Because that's what she does?

But then as your son lives some miles away why not just offer for you to stay over for a couple of days when they are ready?

Why mention helping out?

Do they feel that it will be "their turn"??

This

She's taking the piss

Unfortunately I can picture the DIL posting on Mumsnet now -

My MIL does everything for her DD and has her kids all the time. I'm married to her son and had our first baby not long ago. We've seen nothing of MIL but she still runs around her DD all day. I'm very upset that she has such clear favouritism about her GCs. Is it because ours is not the first? Are MILs always closer to the GCs from their daughter? Does she not like me....

I'd suggest your DIL not unreasonably is expecting the same support for her child as you seem to give happily to the existing GCs. And your DD is aware that you get taken advantage of, but it hasn't quite occurred to her that she is the main culprit.

You can't be available night and day to all the GCs and parents in your family AND work AND have a relationship with your husband AND have time just for your needs.

Your dd sounds like a conniving little bitch.

Step back they're taking the pee. X

Your husband is right your daughter can peg her own washing out ect. X

Spend more time doing things with your husband and enjoy meals out ect together. X

Perfect excuse to reset the childcare and set expectations that you want to treat people equally and will be stepping back a bit

My take on this is that your daughter relies on you an awful lot & rather than admit this to her friends (when she said you’ve got a key) she turned it around to make it look like you’re the one that needs the support not her. Because she would probably be embarrassed if they knew how much she does actually rely on you, or is effectively not as maybe independent & autonomous as she may appear (or would like to appear) & who has her mum still doing everything for her. Deep down she knows this and is maybe embarrassed by it. So you’re portrayed as the one in need of her support instead.

I think she does truly value you but is maybe embarrassed by how much she does rely on you. That’s my take on it. I can see how it would have made you feel though. As you’ve said however it’s a good moment to maybe reassess the dynamic & step back a bit. I don’t think she’s actively using you callously - but you could indirectly be enabling her by offering to help so much.

Do something nice for yourself with the time instead & let her handle things more.

Your daughter doesn’t want her brother getting any help because she relies on you running around for her!!

Presumably you work part time because you also want time to pursue your own interests, not be the family skivvy.

Stop taking the hint. Next time your daughter mentions she’s struggling to pick up the dry cleaning or won’t be home in time to put the washing out say absolutely nothing or change the subject completely.

And why wouldn’t you go and meet the new baby when the time is right? Honestly your daughter can sod off! Make sure you take a nice long holiday with your husband sometime soon, too.

It's easier said than done but I would be tempted to say something. "Just to let you know when I dropped the package off I overheard you and sil talking about me" then I'd say nothing more just sit back and let her explain and absolutely be less available going forward. I'd still do the set babysitting and the odd night to help out but I'd definitely draw a line. Btw my sis in law does this with her dm. She will say "oh I've got so much ironing, I don't know what to do" and dm will offer even tho she works full time. She also does it to get her to buy things "dd shoes are too small but they are so expensive " and voila a pair of Maman jo jo Bebe shoes will appear. (I do benefit from this as she always gives us cash equivalent bless her) but it is deliberate because she knows dm will offer. Find the balance that works for you and practice saying 'no'!!

Why shouldn't your DIL/your son hint when she sees you do so much for your daughter?

Does your son not count at all?

I think it is lovely that your DIL cares so much for you that she would like you to visit for a few days.

Your daughter knows well she uses you as a skivvy and is outraged that she
might even lose your 24/7 service for a few days, even for her brother who is having a baby.

You are a bit deluded if you can't see that.

She is beyond selfish, and if you don't want some serious bad feelings and tension with your son, you might have a good look at your part in all of this.

It reads as if you have golden child scenario going on.

As a priority you should be going for a visit and stepping so far back from 24 hour skivvy for her.

God only knows what your husband must really think because it doesn't appear he counts at all....just this golden daughter who uses you.

Start trying to look beyond her at the other people in the family and how this must look and feel to them.

Fix it before you seriously regret it.

I think it is lovely that your DIL cares so much for you that she would like you to visit for a few days.

That's not what was said though is it?

It was that Op could move in for some weeks & help out!

Does anyone just care about you Op or only what you can do for them??

Fair enough.

But I still think a visit to her son would be nice.
She doesn't have to skivvy to help out and be supportive of him.

I don't doubt he is well aware she is 24 hour skivvy for his sister and her family.

Jesus why did she have so many kids if she is useless at being organised? She can't have you doing everything, she needs to grow up and do her own shit. Step back and tell her that you want your retirement.

Being the DIL in this exact similar situation and seeing all the help SIL gets (and time spent with grandchildren which is what we want not help) it makes us very sad about the little time my child gets with their grandparents because they won't make the time yet can make the time for SIL children and all they need.

OP I would really think about how you give the same quality time (not help) to your son and his children by visiting when you can (especially if they are opening their doors to you staying). We are now in a position where after time after time they prioritise SIL, other family members and friends time above seeing us, we are low contact as we worry our child will see the favoritism and close connection they have with the other grandchildren.

Of course your time is your priority but by reducing your time being skivvy to your daughter and having your time for yourself and husband, hopefully means you won't feel like your being pulled apart by creating time for sons family too. Whereas if your constantly running around after your daughter, understandably your free time you do have you won't have the energy with your husband or sons family. It's about getting a balance but most importantly you.

Opinions can get kind of extreme on Mumsnet.

Boundaries are really important, OP. It’s nice that you want to help people but some people will just take and take and it’s up to you to say enough.

Good luck to you. I hope you can find a good balance.