To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

[notjustanana]

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

Who is SiL to you?

Son in law, her DDs husband

Why all the excuses for the adult DDs words? My mum does a lot for me and I would never say anything to anyone except praise her dedication to her family. I wish I didn't have to ask so much, but I am so so grateful to her.

I would be so pissed off in OPs place

Tell her you overheard and there's obviously been some crossed wires. Explain you're quite busy enough with your own commitments and that you won't be needing her little jobs to keep you occupied in future.

Have you forgotten to name change?

Hi dd! 🙂

Of course! Thanks

My parents do a lot for us including childcare. They are retired but I still very much appreciate that they're doing us a huge favour. I would never in a million years ask them to pick up something from a shop or peg out my washing.
Stop running their errands- they're spoilt brats.

Hmmmm.
Your DD seems to be convincing herself that you enjoy doing the things so that it assuages the guilt she surely on some level feels.
My DPs were so hands-off I get frustrated when I hear stories like yours. Mine looked after my 3 DC maybe 3 times in total over 16 years. They were all over us in terms of telling, very sternly, how we should live, and how we should raise our DC, but they were nowhere to be seen otherwise.
I would start pulling back. The time with your DGC, if you enjoy it, is lovely - but being at her beckon call for things like hanging out her washing is very questionable. You’re not her home help, you’ll have worked hard to be able to afford to go part time, and I think you should enjoy your freedom a bit more.

"It keeps her busy" makes you sound as though you live alone, have friends and don't work at all. Bloody cheek.

This is so ungrateful. I am not surprised you are upset and hurt. As a lone parent with no family support, what I would give to have a mother like you! Can you adopt me please?

This is just so disrespectful. My DM has been helping me for years and I would never for one second think I’m keeping her busy! I’m always very aware that I’m taking up her time and I’m exceptionally lucky. You need to talk to her and put some boundaries in, she’s treating you like the hired help!

I can’t get past the fact that your daughter and SIL were both at home yet they expected you to go out of your way to pick up and drop off a parcel after you’d been at work all day.

Why couldn’t one of them go and get it? Honestly, they are mugging you off big time.

Better to throw mum under the bus than admit to your mate that you clearly can't cope with adulthood if mummy still hangs out you & hubby's undies.

Was at the school gates one day and overheard essentially the same conversation- ‘my Dom loves having something to do etc etc’. A few days later I regretted standing in amongst a group of grannies and grandads making sarcastic jokes about not getting paid and being too old for their new babysitting gig. And when I say sarcastic- they were extremely bitter. Of course they all fell into the I love the kids and all and backtracked but then when I looked at it, the class most were collecting were about age 5 and 6. My back and knees are in bits now at 42, I can’t imagine in 30 years I’m going to be able for that age group!!!!

By saying that her DM loves to do things for her!
That’s not sticking up for her DM, that’s conjuring up a reason to excuse her actions in expecting MIL to be an unpaid skivvy.
Sticking up for her would have been to say, “She’s brilliant and we couldn’t afford to live the way we do without her taking on our childcare, ferrying the kids around and doing random domestic chores”.

No I'm not the OP, I was just explaining what that acronym means

Why the hell are you running errands for 2 adults fully capable of doing it themselves? They've been taking the piss for a long time, but only because you've been letting them. Then scuttling off after overhearing that disrespectful conversation. If that were my DD i'd have pulled her up on it right there and then. But my DD wouldn't take the piss like this.

YANBU

I think there is a strong possibility doesn't even feel that way about it and said these things to cover up the fact that she asks you to do so much and downplay it to the other people there who don't have such helpful parents. Even in that case she absolutely shouldn't have said those things - it was very unfair/bordering on lying.

I would let he know what you heard and how you it made you feel. Have a conversation with her about how she really feels about it an why she said those things - I would also be taking the opportunity to encourage her to take on the tasks she outsources to your but could do herself/time better (washing/parcels etc).

You're welcome

I agree with @whatstheteamarie - honest but still diplomatic .

I would be doubly upset at the Son-in-law's... Tell me about it. Like he thinks it's some intrusion in their lives

Let him hang out his own undies and pay for childcare, and see how he wants to say ...tell me about it

I think it’s a fact of life that people don’t value things that are ‘free’, simply take them for granted. Look at how people abuse the NHS by not turning up for appointments because they are ‘free’.
I can understand why you are upset op, I would be too. But please don’t just stop helping out to teach her a lesson.
Model adult behaviour by having a calm conversation, tell her you were upset by what you heard and let her give her side of the story.
My guess is that you will get an apology and hopefully a change in behaviour.

Disgraceful behaviour from your DD and SiL. Its not even slightly vindicated by the fact you weren't meant to hear. If anything it makes it worse as it's horribly disloyal to present the situation in that way to friends. Not to mention arrogant and patronising.
I would be speaking to them both in no uncertain terms, pointing out you don't require their 'kindness' in allowing you to help, that you are doing these things purely to help them and if they want your continued support, there needs to be a shared understanding of that going forward.
I'd also be asking SiL to explain the 'tell me about it' comment.
I'm furious for you OP!

Maybe by being so available she thinks you have no life? Try being a bit less available.

Tbh though I'd speak to her about what you heard and set some new boundaries.

Asking someone else to peg out your washing? Sorry OP, but your DD has more front than a seaside resort! Stop skivvying! Do the childcare if you want but she can collect her own parcels. Honestly.