To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

[notjustanana]

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

Just a thought @notjustanana , I don't know how old you are but I know far to many Grandparents whose retirement has been completely taken over by caring for the DGC. You're obviously a very kind woman and finding out you're being used has given you a bit of a shock. Now might be a good time to reaccess a bit and think about time for you and set some healthy ground rules for the future. You deserve to be Granny for fun not because it's expected. Your DC will learn to value you so much more when they don't get to take you fir granted

I would say your son and DIL have noted how much you do for your Dd and how that help will not be available to them.

The thing is with people pleasers that they get so tied up reacting to one set of demands that they don’t pro actively look at the needs of others.

Can you really not spare some annual leave and a long weekend that includes your non work day to do a visit to help your son and DIL with their newborn, if they really would like the help?

How will you develop a relationship with that grandchild? Compared to your DD’s children?

I would say your son and DIL have noted how much you do for your Dd and how that help will not be available to them.

I do find it interesting that you bend over backwards for your DD constantly, but when your DiL has actually asked for help (albeit in a jokey way) your reaction is that you’re too busy and you have your own life.

This is a big reason I’m NC with my mum

Yeah this.

Your DD is being really cheeky. Ok maybe if she was saying it re babysitting, to "let" you build a close bond with your GC, but re the errands? That's a huge piss take. I'd be realyl hurt if I were you.

It is a huge issue in many families.
One child getting unlimited time with grandparents, with childcare on tap and other siblings not getting a look in.

This was the case with a friend of mine whose children never got a look in with her in-laws.
They were consumed by their daughter and her 4 children.

Her inlaws only have two children so it has been extremely shortsighted.

The other grandchildren were always there and they were never able to form a bond as they felt like outsiders and as if the grandparents home was the actual home of the other grandchildren such was the amountbof time they spent there.

Despite living relatively closeby they never really got a chance to sit and chat and now that the children are late teens/20's, they are busy with their own lives and have really have zero interest, when they do see them, beyond a polite few words

Thankfully her parents are very even handed with their 16 grandchildren and they feel very loved and valued by them.

The theme seems often to be that whomever has a child first gets the time and support.

Very silly.

But I still think a visit to her son would be nice.
She doesn't have to skivvy to help out and be supportive of him.

Of course.

I just think it's a shame that the helping out was mentioned-it sounds as if Op would have done anyway!

Op do you see your son much.

Do you ever not see him due to commitments to your daughter/GCs?

Obviously if he's a long way then doing what you do for your daughter won't be possible anyway.

This comment by @SalviaOfficinalis is a great one, have a think about this OP.

‘’I do find it interesting that you bend over backwards for your DD constantly, but when your DiL has actually asked for help (albeit in a jokey way) your reaction is that you’re too busy and you have your own life.’’

Absolutely this ^. In our case, our dcs were the first dgc for both GPS. Sadly, MIL decided to invest all her time, energy and love into the children of her other dcs, all born a couple of years after ours. She never visited us although we lived literally 5 minutes away. She would 'forget' their birthdays and Christmas. When we visited her, it was clear that she had no interest in our dcs. Any requests from us to look after our dcs were refused. When dcs became adults, she would happily accept their generous gifts at Christmas and birthday, whilst never giving them even a card. All this time, she would lavish time , energy and money on her other dgc. The final kicker was when she made a point of leaving them out of her will, whilst bequeathing life changing amounts to the others. Her reason ? She had 'no relationship' with ours. True, but entirely her choice.
OP, I'm not suggesting in any way that you are like this, but definitely, be as even handed as is possible with your dcs and their children. I can't tell you the devastation my MIL has caused to my dh and it almost wrecked his relationship with his siblings.

Yes it's certainly an issue with the family of a good friend of mine. Her and her older sibling have two DC each but her parents favour her older sibling's DC, they do a lot of childcare and babysitting. Yet they made a fuss about looking after my friend's DC1 when she was in labour with DC2, even called her whilst she was in labour to ask where something was. Then said they were too busy the following day to help.

My friend is a recently retired nurse (bad back) and she worked for years without a single bit of support from her in laws, in any shape or form. They lived 20 minutes away.

They might see each 3 or 4 times a year max as they were very busy with the other grandchildren.

Her husbands only sibling, a brother, was golden child and his parents have provided endless support over the years to him and his family.

At times with night shifts it was very tough to juggle, her husband away, but she got through it and her children are now teens.

Her FIL needed some treatment and her BIL had the cheek to ring my friends husband to say, MIL and himself thought my friend, now a retired nurse, was best placed to take this role on, starting next Tuesday, in her old hospital.

As it happened she was having lunch with me.

My friend is so lovely, as is her husband, and they so rarely have a bad word between him.

She gave him a short sharp earful and told her husband to take time off time if he wished, but she most certainly wasn't getting involved.

She was so exercised telling me how furious she was at her MIL/BIL thinking they could assign her this role and commandeer her retirement.

She said they never gave her a moments support during the summer when off from their teaching jobs, even when she was badly stuck on a couple of occasions etc.....they always had "plans".

The cheek of them now thinking how convenient it is that she is retired and his treatment is in her old hospital.

I have never known her to be so annoyed.

A year on and she has had absolutely zero involvement.
Relations are chilly but she could care less, she is enjoying her well earned retirement.

Her husband is very busy with his job and has also found his voice a bit.

When his brother/mother tried to guilt him about it, he said it makes sense that his brother and wife do this as you are all so much closer ......with all the time they have spent together over the years........

As an aside.....she finds it funny that her husband suddenly found his voice when he was going to imposed upon🤔🤨.....but that's another story😁

@notjustanana could you take some leave to help your son and DIL ?
Might even things up a bit and show your daughter it's not all about her ?
You'll want a relationship with with your new grandchild as well won't you ?

This doesnt really make sense?
She would have to reapply for a job at her old hospital and get through pre employment checks in a few days?
Takes ages, then relatives dont "assign" patients , the nurse in charge does.
What if shes not trained for the treatment he needs?
Someone is pulling your leg!

@notjustanana maybe there is a silver lining to this while situation - it made you post here, and it was pointed out that you need to make sure you have some fairness in how you help your other grown up child with childcare, by going to stay with him when your new GC will be born. Sometimes it takes outside eyes to make you see something. That would also require you to tell DD you won't be as available for a while because you're helping her sibling, just as you have helped her, which is a healthy way of 'winding up' the flowing zap of unlimited help that she isn't valuing as much as she should.

@Hudsonriver, you misunderstood.

She's retired.
Job finished.
Her in laws just decided now that her FIL needed treatment and collection/bringing to appointments, hanging around etc.
That she as a RETIRED nurse would be the perfect person to do it.
Aka...she had the time.

A bonus was that she was a former employee of the hospital and would know her way around.

They had it all worked out.
She worked there 20 years.

Her annoyance was all through her career her inlaws were nowhere to be seen, even on the few occasions she was very stuck.

She was furious that they called her husband and TOLD him that she would be required to collect FIL next tuesday and start bringing him to his appointments.

Anyway her husband was sent away with right flea in his ear.
She let rip that they had never lifted a finger to help her during her career and they weren't her parents, and if his father needed collecting he better organise it, and how dare his family ring her house TELLING how she would be spending her time.

It never happened as she simply refused to engage.
She was very upset at the presumptuousness of them.

Her own lovely parents died years ago before her children were born so she had zero support when they were young.

She spelt it out to her husband that she felt zero obligation towards them after organising ALL childcare for their children completely independent of his family, so he had better sort it out with his brother.

His brother and wife enjoyed on tap childcare for all of their children. Her MIL ran around after them and never had any time for her children.

She feels zero obligation for their elder care as a result.

Her FIL needed some treatment and her BIL had the cheek to ring my friends husband to say, MIL and himself thought my friend, now a retired nurse, was best placed to take this role on, starting next Tuesday, in her old hospital.

Ah ok it was this bit that confused me.

OP I really think you need to let your daughter know you overheard their comments. This is no way to treat people and you are still her mother. I would tell her how infinitely disappointed I was with both of them for speaking that way about anyone who they expect to do so much for them.

Thank you for the replies. I will discuss what I overheard with my daughter. It has been a bit of a wake up call.

you are a giver op
you enjoy giving by the sound of it

What cheeky bastards. I'd have done the same as her, told them all to fuck off. Funny how the golden boy can't do it, bet he will get most in the will too. Parents like that are scum.

I think she takes you for granted. My mum is very much like you. She looks after my kids while im at work, picks up shopping if I can't and I'd be utterly lost without her.

@ILikeHotWaterBottles they are not bad people actually, just focused on one child and their family completely.

The damage is done after 20+ years, my friend and her children aren't concerned about them.

It was just the sheer cheek of them telling, not asking her husband that she would be required to do X.
Having never once helped her out over the years.

They know now that she hasn't a notion of spending her hard earned retirement being at their beck and call.

Her husband has diplomatically made that crystal clear that she is far too busy to be involved......he had to, as she was going to!

I think having a conversation probably would be best.

You overheard what you overheard as you were carrying out a 'helpful' task for them.

I hope it all works out for the best for you.