To think I'm helping them not the other way round?

[notjustanana]

Changed a few details as my DD is on MN.
I love my DD and her family to bits. She is in her late 30s with 3 young children under 5. I live in next village to her with my DH ( 2nd marriage, so not my childrens dad). I work p/t in a busy nhs job.

On my days off from work, I look after 2 of my DGC all day and pick the other up from school. On my other day off I often get calls from DD asking to collect DGC from after school club, collect parcels from shops, go and take her washing off line or even peg it out. Numerous requests, which I always try to do. I do a lot of ad hoc babysitting as well.
My DD and SiL both work f:t but some days from home.
I have a key to their house but if they're in I always knock first and never turn up unannounced.
So this is my AIBU
My DD was having friends round for bbq/play date. She had ordered garden water toy and asked if I'd collect it as I was going to that shop. I explained I may not be back until later but I finished earlier than I thought so went to their house. I could see friends cars outside so didn't want to go in so sent tx.
I started to unload car which was parked next to their garden fence and heard following convo:
DD - mum is on her way with garden toy
SiL - I'll unlock door
DD - no need, she'll have her key
Friend- I wouldn't give my mum a key. I'd never get rid of her (laugh)
SiL - tell me about it
DD - on don't be so mean, she loves doing things for us
Friend/ awww it's nice for you to do so much with her.
DD - yes, we like to keep her involved with the family. She is in touch with us daily and I'm pleased we live so close so that she feels she can help out. It keeps her busy.

Of course I'm paraphrasing a bit but honestly, I felt like I was some doddery elderly relative who was being patronised. I felt so upset that there was no mention of how helpful my input was to them. I do t expect cards and flowers but an acknowledgment that they value my support. It felt like they were doing me a favour.
I left the parcels at the gate and went home.
So AIBU to feel upset by this?

Hanging up her laundry and collecting parcels??! I’d keep the childcare going, as that’s precious time with your grandchildren, but I’d be making myself unavailable for general chores.

The majority of working adults do their own laundry etc. She needs to get a grip of reality and manage her own chores!!!

”Sorry, love, I’m not able to do xyz at the mo x” And repeat that multiple times!!

P.s. I don’t have parents. I nearly fell off my chair a few months ago when my MIL said to me “well, I told Rita [her neighbour] that I help you out as much as possible with everything”. She literally does nothing, except for 1 bedtime story for 1 child twice a month!! 🤥 I’d love a DGM who is involved as you 💐

Agree. You don’t want the resentment to build op. Just talk to her about it.

I'd be hurt too and you're doing way too much.
She was probably doing a bit of bravado because she's a bit embarrassed by how much she relies on you, I would be if I was a grown adult still relying on mummy that much!

She's taking the piss and doesn't even realise it. How lucky she is to have you.

I would have exploded at the 'it keeps her busy' comment. You sound like a great mum and grandma. Time for you to put yourself first I think.

I’d have to mention something to her or at least pull back from doing as much as you do. I agree with others, time with DGC is precious but collecting parcels and doing bits and bobs for her every day is just too much

I think instead of feeling guilty for getting you to do all of this they have turned it the other way round “it keeps her busy and involved!” Rather than “We probably put too much on her”

You sound like a caring amazing woman who goes above and beyond, but too beyond

I know most of us would agree that if our parents or in laws offer to do this and that we usually say no no don’t worry we can do it! Yours seem to take the mick a bit and have got away with it for too long

I always specifically have to tell MIL not to do our washing etc when she pops over because we’re both adults and can do ourselves

I would call her out on what she said - but that’s me, you might not want to do that. Either way, you should be taking a massive step back, it sounds like you help both your DD and stepDD way too much and somehow or other they are playing it that they are doing you the favours rather than the other way around!

I’d let her know you heard the conversation, which presumably this is obvious to her if she’s on mn.
This is just the kind of thread picked up by the Daily Mail prompting lots of information about the amount grandparents do these days, so you may want to consider that.

Indeed - it's probably hard to challenge SIL assumptions , we all do it - agree with something just to avoid confrontation

Listen to your husband. He’s got your back while your DD and possibly DSD are taking the piss. Time to claw back some time and energy to invest in yourself and your life with DH.

Of course that would be hurtful to overhear. And you do do MASSES for your daughter.

However, in social situations people are usually more concerned with immediate approval from peers rather than truth! The tone of the conversation was about mothers being in the way, so I reckon your daughter framed it that way because she is a little embarrassed about how much you do and what that says to her peers about her lack of independence.

Don't let it spoil your relationship with her.

Honestly I'd text her and say you over heard then tell her that you don't love doing her chores and did it to be helpful but that as they think they're doing it as a favour to you you will stop as clearly you don't need to or want to do them.

Out of interest, how much visibility does your son-in-law have of all these ad hoc requests? If not, he may well unfairly perceive that you are in and out constantly.

I think you should tackle it head on with both of them. You overheard the conversation and it was hurtful.
You are not a doddery old fart who needs occupying and your help to them has left you little time for yourself.
You recognise that no hurt was intended but it's been a wake up call that you need to make more time for
yourself and your DH, and to balance a challenging job in the NHS.
So going forward you would like to be clearer in your boundaries. Eg:
You will/will not continue to do two days of free childcare.
You would prefer to have no further ad hoc requests for parcel pickups and other domestic chores. SIL will have to step up.
Medical and other emergencies, feel free to call on you on your non-working days BUT your expectation is that they will manage the first two days of child sick leave between them (assuming they work in roles where they can wfh). Like other parents do.
Babysitting - put a limit on it and suggest they consider finding a local teen and save you for "high value" sitting where the cost to them would be substantial. A wedding for example.

Don't sweep it under the carpet because the behaviours won't change and you will feel resentful every time you get a request and say No. Nip it in the bud nicely.

They are taking the piss. I would never expect my DM to pick up parcels and peg washing out because I’m an adult and those are my jobs. I mean your DD was trying to be nice and stand up for you but didn’t do it very well! Step back a bit, do the days childcare as arranged as that is plenty anyway and then step back from the rest.

I'm not surprised you're hurt. Her words are a slap in the face after all you do.

You will say something, won't you??? Can you text "I heard your conversation when I dropped the toy off. All these times I've helped you out with errands and childcare, I assumed I was doing you favours that you appreciated. After hearing what you said, I realise you think you've been doing me a favour all this time. This is not necessary, I have plenty in my life to keep me busy. If you have alternative childcare you'd rather be using, then please go ahead."

I hope you get a massive grovelling apology.

You sound very very very supportive. Your daughter has got used to it and no longer appreciates it. I would use your previous free time to do things for yourself.

Good time for some reflection and possible adjustment.

How do you really feel about how much she asks you to do and how much you actually do?

If you really enjoy being busy and so very helpful, crack on and laugh off anything your DD says. You know how useful you are.

If there are heaps of other thing you would rather do, just start doing them more. Be as available as you would want to be.

Put yourself first, at least sometimes.

Then, you know you are doing what you want to do and are happy with doing. Do things because you want to do them.

@notjustanana you sound like a lovely Mum and grandmother, and you are right to feel upset.

Don't start thinking of yourself as a pushover because you are kind and help people; its a shame that people like you get (often) taken advantage of because of your kindness.

I would casually drop into conversation with DD that from September you are joining a book club/sewing circle/coffee group that meet on a weekly basis on the afternoon of your day off and you won't be available for childcare for the entire day as you are now, so they'll need to make arrangements. I'm a passive aggressive cow so I'd also drop into conversation "I thought i should start finding things to keep myself busy".

If you do find something to do on your day off or if you just get an afternoon to yourself to go for a coffee and a walk I wouldn't have thought it was a bad thing. Sounds to me that you have raised your child(ren), worked and are now doing a second "shift" with the grandchildren - although I'm sure you do actually love seeing them - you also deserve sometime without being at someone's beck and call.

Certainly stop the pegging out and collecting parcels though, whatever happens.

From your SIL’s comment it sounds like perhaps he thinks your DD relies on you too much as well. The context might have been that she feels she has to justify how often you help them to her DH and to her friend and she’s hardly going to say “well I’m a bit lazy and a cheeky mare and Mum never has been able to say no so it works out well with her all doing all this stuff for me” is she! It would have been much more gracious to say “oh gosh I couldn’t survive with my mum!” but that doesn’t work as well for justifying it to herself that she’s helping you out.

She absolutely shouldn’t have said it and it’s understandable you’re hurt but if you do bring it up with her maybe consider she didn’t really mean it. So what you’re addressing is her being rude about you to look good not her actually not valuing your work.

Probably best to practise saying no a bit more often though! Just be a bit busy whenever there’s a call about the washing!

You have One life OP..... ONE life.

You've spent probably 20 yearsbringing up your own DC - now you are a dogsbody bringing up your DGCs.

It's your choice!

Your DD has a bad attitude and a massive sense of entitlement. She has you running round after her like freaking R2D2 and C3PO.

You are her unpaid nanny.

I take it you are in your 50’s at least? You should have hobbies and goals of your own. I play tennis, do yoga, other sports and go out for coffee and dinner with friends. DH and I are making travel pls s for our semi retirement. When my DC are older, I will help them all I can, but I won’t be their skivvy nor let them treat me disrespectfully.

I think you need to tell you DD you overheard her and are really cross.

i thinik she didnt want to sound like a lazy bitch so pretended shes doing you a favour

you do do alot though i mean pegging out her washing-she can do that herself everyone else has to

Up to the ‘Keep busy’ comment, it was quite appreciative. The Busy comment is patronising.

Carry on helping with childcare, if you’re happy to do this, but stop being a slave to all the other requests - pegging out washing, collecting parcels etc. Stop being at her beck and call and start putting yourself first.

Your daughter was patronising. Stop doing all the little tasks for them and only look after the grandkids if you really enjoy it.

Next time they ask you to put out the washing a quick text “busy day, can’t help this time” on repeat will help.

I'm wondering if dd was just trying to be cool infront of sil and friend and playing things down?