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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its not very considerate?

223 replies

inpixiehollow · 10/08/2022 23:31

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

OP posts:
niugboo · 12/08/2022 22:55

Crikey YABU. The obvious and likely desired solution is you go and your DH sits with the kids. It’s pathetic that you won’t go alone.

also, the time is a subtle hint that your kids aren’t invited.

Outsideswimbabe · 12/08/2022 23:08

If DM is organising a family get together to meet a new GF I would have thought it would be made at a time when the children could be there too as well as you and their dad 🤷🏼‍♀️but I’m well outnumbered on here. If I was the DM that’s what I’d do. I don’t think booking a table for 6 pm is particularly early. Once everyone is seated and ordered it’s likely to be nearer 7 on by the time the food comes out. The adults can stay on for after dinner drinks and OP, partner and children can make their exit. Not difficult and new GF gets to meet everyone.

Outsideswimbabe · 12/08/2022 23:12

you are not alone! Eating late is unpleasant. Not northern btw but definitely agree.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/08/2022 23:32

I don’t think booking a table for 6 pm is particularly early.

But the OP STILL hasn’t said what night this was. At the weekend, whilst I’d find this a bit early, it would be doable. On a weeknight, unless the restaurant was in walking distance of my house or office, it simply wouldn’t be possible. Do you work? Do you live in a very small town where all the facilities are close together?

LaDamaDeElche · 12/08/2022 23:34

Dinner out for adults isn't at 6pm. Get a babysitter or only one of you go. Simple. Even after having kids I'd have thought dinner at 6pm in a restaurant was weird, unless the dinner was
centred around children, which this clearly isn't. It's not about you and your kids.

cherish123 · 13/08/2022 00:02

You ask for 6pm or just go alone. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your other half to do bedtime. If they kick up a fuss, say you'll do bedtime while they go out. We used to do it often - no problems.

Jalepenojello · 13/08/2022 00:21

inpixiehollow · 12/08/2022 21:02

I take it you didn't read my later replies? Wasn't asking for a solution. I'd already declined the invite and said that its too late for us. Maybe you should re-read the post if you've missed the point. I'm aware the world doesn't revolve around my children, but if you want 'family' to attend a 'family' dinner would you not take into consideration the needs of parents/children who will be attending to make it do-able for them🤔otherwise whats the point of a family dinner?

Show quote history

I’m assuming they ARE taking the needs of family into account. It’s a chance for the adults to meet DB’s GF, not a childrens party. Therefore the time is most appropriate for most adults. I’d be hard pushed to get ready for a meal for 6pm with work, even on a weekend I’d find that really quite early to get sorted for after a day of activities and errands. 8pm would be better

savethatkitty · 13/08/2022 03:20

As MNetters love to say, it's an invitation, not a summons.

pinkpantherpink · 13/08/2022 05:37

I'd suggest a weekend lunch. And if I wanted you to come that's exactly what I'd suggest if I expected your children to come

Sweatinglikeabitch · 13/08/2022 07:58

YANBU at all. It's a family meal, it's not like you're expecting your cousin to plan her wedding around your kids bedtime. Literally last night we planned a meal with DHs family "what time works best for you" is the first question. And tbh if someone suggested 7.30 for dinner even preDS I'd feel like it was far too late!

Honestly I think you're right in that she really isn't bothered about you coming.

Wills · 13/08/2022 09:57

I feel you’re setting up a rod for your back. Why not simply take a pushchair with a lie down facility and let the 2yr old go to sleep when she wants. That’s what we did with all 4 of our kids, it takes practise but they’ll get there in the end and you get to have evenings out.

RachaelN · 13/08/2022 10:15

I'm sure your husband with survive at home on his own for one evening. Not really unfair.

margotsdevil · 13/08/2022 10:39

Consideration works both ways. I hardly think it's unreasonable to want to get home from work, possibly a quick change of clothes (or at least wash face!), prior to a meal out. If I'm at work then a meal at 6 just isn't viable for me - unless the family wanted to eat near my workplace which would be ridiculous as it's a 90 minute drive for some of them so therefore there has to be a bit of flexibility for everyone. And no, I don't work ridiculous hours (I'm convinced my SIL who doesn't work is on this thread) - I work til 5/5.30. It's then around 45 minutes home, and likely another 20-30 minutes to a venue which is broadly in the middle for all parties. Sadly the OP reminds me of our family - the children are the only possible consideration - other commitments (including work) are not relevant.

MB34 · 13/08/2022 10:52

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP to expect a family meal to accommodate the whole family!

It was my PIL's 50th anniversary this week and they'd arranged a family meal out yesterday lunchtime. BIL and SIL only work term time, DH does shifts so was off work. I'm a bit miffed that they didn't do it on a weekend when I could have gone, but then, I am only the DIL and they have form for it. (I wasn't going to take a day off work just for a 2 hour meal)

Grrrrdarling · 14/08/2022 16:56

inpixiehollow · 10/08/2022 23:31

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

Personally I would feed my kids early & set things up for them to fall asleep at the meal but you could ask if the meal can be pulled forward by an hour, to 6.30 maybe, so that kids won’t ruin meal for everyone as they will be out past bedtime. If the latter is not possible then choose between your self & your husband who stays home with the kids so one of you can go.
Reality is you have two small children & until they are older or easier to manage at dinners out you are limited as to what you can do. It is only for a few years so I just declined things that didn’t work for us.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/08/2022 00:10

autienotnaughty · 11/08/2022 03:56

Yeah sorry I don't see the issue. Either take kids, just u go or none of u go. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to fit round you. It's a normally evening meal time.

This!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/08/2022 00:20

Well. I think your feeling about this are a bit colouring by the fact you are, or think you are, the least favourite. So you’ve probably built up a feeling of “no one thinks of me” over the years. Rightly or wrongly.

I don’t think your kids especially need to meet the new girlfriend, as I doubt they’ll care. So maybe the expectation is you’ll get a baby sitter. If you can’t, then it also seems totally reasonable for you to go without your DH. It’s not his family.

If it was a sort of family do that you’d expect children to be part - or if they wanted children to be there - of then probably a lunch would be the better call. A 6 pm dinner really isn’t reasonable though. It’s just too early for a dinner out.

maddening · 17/08/2022 00:37

Yambi, a weekend afternoon is surely doable.

If you want people to attend then you try and make the time and place work for most

If the time or place is most important then you will jabe some not attend. It all depends on what is most important.

Dibbydoos · 20/08/2022 08:45

Ask if the table could be booked earlier - noone on here can help you do that....

LovelyIssues · 21/08/2022 12:27

Well you could always ask for the meal to be earlier. If not I'd leave children with your other half and enjoy some child free time. Win win

LovelyIssues · 21/08/2022 12:29

Just read your declined the invite OP. IMO way too precious. The children would be fine for one evening or you could have left them with your partner 🤔

GodisaBC · 21/08/2022 12:34

I would’ve just taken the kids, life doesn’t stop when you have kids.

Holidaydreamingagain · 21/08/2022 12:41

I would never assume an evening family dinner included small children. You’re being a bit pathetic and 6 pm in a restaurant is not adult dinner time. You needed to go alone or get a sitter

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