To think its not very considerate?

[inpixiehollow]

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

A 6pm meal wouldn’t work for anyone in our family because of work and commutes but that’s pretty irrelevant here. What is relevant is what suits the people in OP’s family. I think the best bet here though is that the DH puts the kids to bed and OP goes to the meal.

YABU. I fully understand not wanting to break routine as I was meticulous about my DCs' routines (they slept well, didn't want to risk that!).

But the logical answer here is you go to the meal and your DP stays home with the DC. Problem solved.

7.30 Is a normal time to go for dinner. Not everyone else is going to be on young kid time. And most people couldn't make dinner out much earlier as they have work until 5/6.

I'd take the children and bring plenty to entertain your toddler. Worst case you make a plan that DP leaves early with the children if they start to get ratty. You might even find with all the excitement your toddler manages to last. Bring pj's and change before you leave so if toddler falls asleep you carry them straight up to bed.

Why do you need a formal 'meet the girlfriend' dinner?

If its a problem why not just decline and give you're brother a call (assuming you're on speaking terms) and say couldn't make it sorry always an issue with bedtimes here love to meet Sue why not bring her round.

Lets face it on Mumsnet she won't be around by next dinner.

We'd book a professional babysitter in this scenario so that neither of us misses out on a fun dinner. It's only for a few hours. Is that not an option?

And 6pm is hard for many people with jobs to go to.

Your husband can look after little ones. Have a baby free night x

YABVU. The world doesn't actually revolve around your needs and preferences. This meal is not all about you Or your choice not to allow your partner to stay home to look after his own children.

It's fairly possible that the DM doesn't especially want the kids there and would prefer to get to know her son's new gf in a more adult context (and without kids becoming, inevitably, the centre of attention). Perhaps this is why she booked for 7pm, hoping that the OP would come by herself.

Tbf, I don't think it's about DH looking after his own children, it's him being excluded from a family event. I wouldn't go alone to something like that, although I would go to plenty of other things and happily leave DH with DC. If it's about meeting family everyone should be there.

That said, I wouldn't decline a 7pm family dinner because of young DC, although I do think there are better ways to introduce a new GF. It sounds awful, for her.

It’s not all about you and your children 🙄. Why should everyone have to eat early because of you? Your the one being inconsiderate, not them

Heaven forbid a father stay at home to look after his own children.

In all seriousness, just a "thanks for the invite, but those timings just don't work for managing the kids. Have fun though! Love OP." No need to re-invent the wheel.

Book a babysitter

I think YANBU. If it's only a small group of people then yes, the needs/convenience of all people invited should be taken into consideration, otherwise what's the point? (It would be different if it was a larger group, and only one person couldn't make it, but that doesn't seem to be the case here).

My MIL always does stuff like this, even if it's just her and us, she still insists on having dinner at 8:30, knowing our child's usual dinner time is 6:30 and it f*s up our entire evening.

Also I agree with @PerfectRun "I don't think it's about DH looking after his own children, it's him being excluded from a family event."

I think the only thing you can do is say "well it's too late for the children to be coming to dinner as they'll be grouchy etc. and it won't be enjoyable for any of us. Could we do earlier, or during the day on a weekend? Otherwise I'll just come on my own."

Get a babysitter. Shocking as it is not everyone wants to have children attend a nice meal out.

Poor GF!
Shes not even met the family and "she's" causing ructions! 😔
I'd just say thanks for the invite, it doesn't work for us, but you are all welcome at ours for a BBQ on (whichever) weekend.

I wouldn’t say it’s unfair, maybe a bit shortsighted. YANBU to say that 7pm won’t work for you and to suggest a table for 6pm, if that doesn’t work for everybody else then it’s fine to politely decline.

That said, I do think it s a bit ridiculous you can’t leave your DP with his own kids for one evening. Have neither of you been out for an evening without the other since having kids?

Sorry, haven't RTFT but I agree with the comment that it sounds like your mum is hinting for it to be an adult only evening.

Missing out on stuff when you have young DC sucks - we have no family nearby, and our DC are frankly not fit to be out in public after about 5pm so we miss a lot, or go solo.

Leave DH at home with the DC, tell your mum to book dinner for 8 and meet for a drink before hand. Enjoy an adult evening - you'll get to finish sentences! No one will steal food from your plate, and then hand it back half chewed because they don't like it! You won't have to tell anyone to calm down or use their indoor voice. There will be no colouring in or toys at the table. Enjoy it.

The poor new girlfriend! It was already a pretty formal way to meet the family, and now they’re all falling out over it!

As PP said - this is not about you. 6pm is way to early for most people (they finish work at 5/6pm....not way ready for an evening meal. 7pm is early too!)

So, you have choices

1. Decline
2. Get a babysitter (for both or just 2 yo and take baby)
3. You go and DH stays home and parents

Your DM knows you have to make a choice - hence the wording of her invitation.

To be honest I would do 3....enjoy time getting to know your DB's girlfriend. Your DH can parent. You can arrange another meet up at a more child friendly time.

This is really not difficult.

I’d leave my kids with their dad at home and go without a second thought in all honesty. They’re his kids too and if I want to do something with my family I will. If he already had something pre planned then I’d say I can’t go rather than take them out that close to bedtime as it’s asking for a tantrum galore. If the kids were ill I’d stay home too, not cos he can’t cope but cos I’d just worry anyway. Get him to have the kids and go!

way *too early

Yes YABU. People who don't have young children don't want to eat at 6pm and lots of people wouldn't even finish work in time to eat so early. You and your husband are not joined at the hip. It is your brother who has the new gf so you should go for the meal and your husband can look after his children, no big deal.

Jeez, there’s enough pressure on meeting your BFs family at an organised meal (all eyes on you!), never mind throwing a moody sister into the mix to make things super-awkward. Stay at home and invite them over to yours for lunch at a future date. Nothing bad Will happened if you’re not there and if you politely decline on the basis it’s too late for then kids then you might help yourself and set a precedent for future.