To think its not very considerate?

[inpixiehollow]

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

YABU

Why can't the kids dad look after them.
And you said you don't mind occasionally getting b out of routine, why not do it now then?
You can't expect everyone to work around you Josh because you have kids.

They need to adapt as do you.

It is not unfair.

That's a reasonable time to book a meal that would suit most people.

Not everything can revolve around your childcare issues and I find it hard to believe that you can't find a baby-sitter of one night or that it is not appropriate for your partner to stay home with the kids for a couple of hours if that is the only option.

Not everything can revolve around your childcare issues

She's not asking the world to revolve around it though, she's asking her mum and brother. If you were arranging dinner with a group of 3-4 friends and suggested 7pm, and one of them said "I can't do 7 [for whatever reason], can we do 8 instead", would you say "nah, tough luck, I said 7 so it's going to be at 7"? Wouldn't you try and be flexible to include as many people as possible?

''@SillySausage81 ·She's not asking the world to revolve around it though, she's asking her mum and brother. If you were arranging dinner with a group of 3-4 friends and suggested 7pm, and one of them said "I can't do 7 [for whatever reason], can we do 8 instead", would you say "nah, tough luck, I said 7 so it's going to be at 7"? Wouldn't you try and be flexible to include as many people as possible?''

But they are including as many people as possible. 7pm is early enough for those who don't want to stay out too late and late enough so that people can get to the venue if they are working.

The OP's suggestion of moving the dinner to 6pm would only benefit her and she has the options of finding a baby sitter or of her partner staying home with the kids so she can attend.

It really is not that difficult...

I have 3 kids and would think it's fine to have dinner at 6pm but my wider family would find it too early. In this instance I would just ask my dh to have the children so I could meet my brother's girlfriend. I know my dh would have no issues with this. If yours does then frankly you have bigger problems. If it was regular meet ups then I would ask my mum if we could meet up somewhere child friendly or at times better suited otherwise I would have 3 cranky kids to deal with. As such this sounds like a one off so I would just go with it. If your mum asks why your dh hasn't come you simply say the truth, that it was too late for your dd and she would have been cranky giving you less time to chat and spend time. Should your mum want to arrange a meet up again she can then consider the timing going forward (assuming she's nice and you have a good relationship).

my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.

So if you aren't willing to go out for the evening without your DH, you don't have any suitable babysitters and your child can't cope with being out of their routine how is that going to work longer term? Are you just never going to do anything that involves being out of the house past 7pm?

Out of curiosity, am I the only person who's family always ate tea at 5-6pm? Is it a northern thing? Even when I moved down to London for work I'd eat as early as I could manage.

Go on your own and and enjoy an adult evening out.

I'm with you! Also a Northerner, Northumberland!

I aim to make dinner for 5pm which is when DH comes in. I work 3 days per week and I'll use the slow cooker or have something easy/cold so we still eat by 545. My dds have some porridge at 7pm just before bed

Northerner here too.
We always had tea around 5 or 6, and then supper was a snack before bed-usually toast or biscuits with milk.

I start making tea at 5pm everyday, as soon as I finish work (wfh) and aim to have it ready for when DH gets home, sometime around 6.

I never understood why it’s a northern thing, eating late is not only bad for your health and digestion, it’s also bad for your sleep

So are all the Northern restaurants empty after 6.30?

And yet countries who eat later, such as Spain and Italy don’t seem to suffer Ill-health because of it.

What health effects are you thinking of? We eat dinner around 9pm, and don’t seem to suffer and sleep or health problems.

It is really noticeable when on holiday in the North, that restaurants are starting to empty out by 8pm. I tend to go on active holidays where people are tired and hungry at the end of a day, but it really was noticeable to me the first few times I went. Which would be about right for table bookings at 6/6:30.

Do people work a shorter day or much closer to home in the North? Round here "early" people are only getting home from work at 6pm.

The more pertinent question is why so many southerners seem offended that we eat earlier up North.

Spanish don’t suffer as many food related Ill effects because they largely eat super healthy Mediterranean diets. Traditional Spanish also have different sleep patterns still.

According to science, you should stop eating at least 3 hours before bed. Any closer and it supposedly affects your BP, insulin levels, causes acid reflux and weight gain etc. it’s to do with your circadian rhythm.

For special occasions (like date night) we might eat later in a restaurant, but I notice it the next day, definitely! My stomach does not like heavy meals after 8pm.

Perhaps our bodies don’t cope as well because it’s not how we were raised, you’re used to it so it does you no harm.
It’s just another difference between North and South, like not having gravy with your chippy tea

Wow didn't expect this to blow up. I'd already said to DM that likely I wouldn't be coming. I just wish to add my partner is fine with me going to the meal and him staying to look after the children, we do often do things separately whilst the other parent does the childcare hence why I thought it was a bit of a shame he wouldn't be able to attend.
We do go out to eat with the kids, usually around 6pm so we're home in time to put oldest to bed at 8pm because she gets grumpy and overtired. Starting at 7 means we probably wouldn't be home until 9/9:30 for those that say they are already accommodating me?
I understand 7pm is reasonable time for a meal for most families, but if the premise is for 'everyone' to be there then wouldn't you expect to try your best to make sure they can attend?
I already declined not long after the message, my question wasnt what should I do.. it was about if I was being unreasonable in possibly expecting them to eat an hour earlier 😊

Thank you! This is exactly what I meant - not that he can't care for the children/we can't be apart etc x

I'm with you OP, my kids would be a nightmare at a restaurant at that time, my family know this and hence wouldn't arrange an outing at that time. And if it's meant to be a family meal, I'd not want to go without my DP either. What did your mum say when you said why you couldn't go?

As the "in laws" and potential allies DH is probably to person GF needs to meet most 😆

But if the dinner's not convenient don't go and arrange to meet her less formally another time.

Not much really! I'm one of 5 children and the least favourite (I'm the only daughter and my mum is all about her precious boys!) so highly likely she's not that bothered!

Newcastle here and yes!

Anyone who works normal hours would find it hard to be ready at a restaurant for 6, surely?

Agree. When I finish work at 5:30pm, I cannot arrive home by 6pm.

Ah right, so could have been deliberately inconsiderate too! I’d just arrange to have your brother and his gf round for dinner one evening instead. Tbh, I’d personally hate to have to attend a big family meal with someone I’m in a new relationship with, I’d much rather meet family members individually in a more comfortable environment, but that’s me.

Op what is your solution then. You want to throw a strop about how everyone is so unfair but what exactly do you propose? The purpose of the meal is to meet the gf and you expect all the adults to eat at 6pm? If not then what are you saying, because you don't actually make sense? It isn't about family dynamics here, it's about not thinking the world revolves around your children!