To think its not very considerate?

[inpixiehollow]

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

With kindness, it is not all about you! Lots of adults don't wnat to eat at 6. If they finish work at 5.30 it might not even be possible for others. Unless we're due a drip feed, there is absolutely no reason why your DH cannot look after his own children for an evening.

Oh and I get the argument about DH being part of the family - that's our set up too, we're both close to our PIL. But it's just reality with small kids that there's more working around each other. We're going away with PIL shortly - DH will bring the 4yo to dinner, I'll eat in the bar with the 2yo and then wish everyone goodnight and bring her up to bed, because a 7pm dinner would be a disaster for all concerned.

No one's excluding me or being awkward, it's just life. In the past it was BIL and SIL having to do that, and now their DC are teens and can go to dinner any time. In a few years ours will both be able to stay up late too.

In the gentlest way, you need to realise the world doesn't revolve around your childcare issues. They want to go out for an evening meal. That's not a lot to ask. This event isn't about you. If you both want to go, get a babysitter.

Agree with this.

YANBU, if I was your dm I'd have planned a lunch so you and the dc can easily be there.

This was thoughtless. It's not like you're some distant member of the family.

I don't think your mum is being unreasonnable. 7 or 7.30pm is actually a pretty reaonnable time for everyone to have a meal together, even those with small kids.

But, here what you could do:

1) graciously decline the invite and say that it is too late for you because of your children.
2) your and your partner go, with the kids, first signs of tantrum, leave! but bring plenty of things to keep her occupied and food. Kids love finger foods when out.
3) get your bro on the phone and invite and his gf to your home for another time.
4) your partner stays home and look after the kids. He can always meet gf another time, ie, christmas party.
5) get GF's phone number and text her and invite her for coffee.
6) Get the name of the restaurant they are going to and send a bouquet of flowers for gf. She will appreciate it, even if you can't be there.

Believe me, I understand the feeling of not being able to be there (If you choose to) and generally not being able to go to some invites. I can sense your disappointment and while you are not being unreasonable in your thinking, you are being unreasonable in your attitude as you said: ''am I being unreasonable to expect some consideration?''
I would say ''Yes, a bit'' because consideration would mean your mum hasn't thought of your situation at all. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't but it seems to me you are taking things personally and it does not need to be this way.

At the end of the day, you chose to have children and that means some sacrifices from both you and your partner. Not the others around you.
I will say that in the nicest way possible, but I think you may be the one making things difficult, there are so many ways to go about this.
Again, this may be because you are disappointed but at the end of the day, it is only a meal and meeting somone who you can meet another time.

If it was me, I would accept the invite and go and see how it goes. I assume you have a buggy for your daughter. If she gets tired, she wants to nap, put her in the buggy. Talk to your daughter before going and tell her you expect her to behave. Put boundaries, you are the mum. Explain if she is tired, she can go in the buggy. Explain that if she makes a fuss, then, that new toy she wanted, well, she won't get it (this is an example, whatever can work for you).

In the end, if you decide not to go, then perhaps you can one of my suggestions above.
By the way, is your mum paying for it all or do you all share the bill?

All the best.

I hope the girlfriend is fully onboard with meeting everyone like this, dinner with a group of strangers is very high pressure and sounds hellish to me.

Nothing wrong with the time if she graciously accepts you can't attend. Although I see nothing wrong with having dinner at 6pm to accommodate others children, it's what I always did pre DC. But my MIL always books meals for 7.30/8pm and then is furious that we cannot attend with 5yo and 1yo. Doesn't seem to understand two overtired DC would not be fun for anyone.

YANBU.

Your mum has said it's a meal "so DB's GF can meet "the family"", but she's set it for a time when she KNOWS your only viable options are to either not come at all, or leave most of your family at home. Either of which will mean it won't be about "meeting the family" at all, especially if it just ends up your parents and DB and the GF.

I find it strange all these people saying "it's not all about you". Well, no, and if it was a gathering of 20 people it would be unreasonable to expect everyone to rearrange just for the sake of your kid's bedtime, but if it's a small, intimate family dinner, yes of course you should try and accommodate everyone if you can, otherwise what was the point of inviting them?

So just screw anyone who has a job that they need to be at then? Very considerate.

For example, if I'm organising a dinner with 3 or 4 friends and one of them said "I can't come until 8 because I'm working late that day, I wouldn't just go "oh, tough luck, we've decided we're having dinner at 7 and that's that", unless there was a very compelling reason for not being flexible, which I would explain and then make sure that friend could be included next time. I just don't get it. To me, the purpose of the dinner is for everyone to spend time together, NOT to eat a very specific meal at a very specific time, regardless of the company.

I’d be asking Why such a bizarrely formal arrangement to meet your brothers girlfriend?

I would have absolutely hated that!

I remember meeting my DH family, it was totally informal, everyone was at his parents house, but even though it was informal and there was plenty of drink involved, I felt like vomiting several times on the way.

It is inconsiderate when you have two little ones, if it were me I’d pull out, and invited just the two of them round one evening, that way you can have the kids in bed and just have a nice evening getting to know each other

This is what happens when you have DC, you can't do everything you want.

I’d be asking Why such a bizarrely formal arrangement to meet your brothers girlfriend?

It could be dinner at the local ‘spoons for all we know. Having dinner somewhere doesn’t automatically make it formal, if anything it’s nicer to have the distraction of ordering etc so that it’s not so intense. Personally I’d feel much more comfortable in a public place rather than the in laws living room for the first meeting. We’re all different, and going out for a meal is what works for OP’s family. It’s just the timing they can’t agree on!

Really, there's no time that would suit for something like this in my opinion with the ages of children that you have. Lunch in the middle of the day wouldn't work because of naps. Evening doesn't work either really because of early bedtimes. Why can't you just go on your own and enjoy an evening off?

oh I'm sure the 2 year old and 9 month old will be terribly offended by not being considered family.

How ridiculous that's not what's happening here at all clearly. Of course the children are part of the family , not being able to go to one dinner is hardly excommunication.

Parents like this drive me nuts. My dc are lovely and the light of my life and wouldn't give two hoots about this ridiculousness.

Fuck. I'd hope it was 7ish for 8 - 7pm is much too early!

This.

As someone who lost a parent unexpelast year, I would go. Decide whether its worth the stress of taking young children on this occasion and either take them or attend on your own. I remember well what it's like to be in the tiny children stage, but it will pass eventually and stop being quite so all consuming. But spend time with your family.

*lost a parent unexpectedly

For one night I'd just take the children and have a tablet for them to watch x

So what did Your Mum say when you replied ' that would be great but the table needs to be booked for 6 not 7.30 due to the kids bedtime'?

Absolutely no reason in the world that you can’t go on your own and your husband can look after his children.

Err a glitch there sorry! I was reading a different thread but its posted on this one 🤣