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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its not very considerate?

223 replies

inpixiehollow · 10/08/2022 23:31

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 11/08/2022 05:02

I'd just go by myself but me and my DP aren't stapled to each other.

Not sure why it would be unfair. I'm no parenting saint but I'd be fine with my DP going out one time, in fact I'd enjoy it and encourage him as it would make a nice break from the routine.

And I wouldn't be upset about "missing out" on a dinner with in laws. I like them but they are his family. I'd be fine with missing it. I'm sure your dp feels the same.

GeriSignfeld · 11/08/2022 05:11

You want to dictate the time a group of adults eat dinner in order to work around your child's sleep schedule & have them eat the early bird 6pm special.

But they are the ones being unfair here?

That's quite the mental leap!

butterflied · 11/08/2022 05:24

Not everything can revolve around your children's routine.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2022 05:37

I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children.

It's not. HTH.

HoppingPavlova · 11/08/2022 05:42

Another who doesn’t get the ‘unfair’ aspect. Your partner stays home and looks after the kids while you go out for dinner. At other times you would stay home and look after the kids while he goes and does something. What on earth is unfair about that, it’s the sensible thing everyone else does?

yourmatedave · 11/08/2022 05:43

Can't get my head around it being unfair if your partner parents his own children for a few hours?

trailrunner85 · 11/08/2022 05:53

YABU and ridiculous. 6pm is far too early for adults - if it's a weeknight most people will still be either working or on their way home. And if it's a weekend, are you seriously expecting a group of adults all to eat early, just to fit around your child's sleep schedule?

Really don't see the issue with just going on your own.

Shoxfordian · 11/08/2022 05:58

Why is it unfair for him to look after his own kids for a couple of hours while you’re out? Do you never go out without him or them?

Yabu here though; it doesn’t all revolve around your kids bedtime

newbiename · 11/08/2022 06:03

Is there a reason your partner can't look after his own children? You haven't said.

SkankingWombat · 11/08/2022 06:04

I'd be enjoying a night out free of the bonds of childcare duties TBH. Depending how close it is, DH would drop me off so I could enjoy a drink and only have to pay for the taxi home.

Is there a bar attached to the restaurant? If so, and you are keen for DH and DCs to meet this lady too, perhaps you could suggest meeting at 7 for drinks with the table booked for 7.30 or 8. DH and DCs come in with you for a quick drink to say hi then he takes the DCs home to bed whilst you go through to eat.

MaryShelley1818 · 11/08/2022 06:04

I'm with everyone else. I would have just taken the children but we've always been flexible with taking them out of routine for holidays/special meals etc. (Currently ours are 4 and 1 and stayed up until midnight to watch the fireworks at Disneyland a couple of months ago). But if that's not possible why on earth is it unfair for your DH to watch them one night??

Veenah · 11/08/2022 06:06

My in laws have done this, arrange dinners at 6 to facilitate my BIL who has young children. Fine for my retired PIL, but an absolute pain for the rest of us trying to get there on time.

On one occasion DH and I both worked through lunch and left work early, sat in rush hour traffic for an hour as they had also picked somewhere near BIL's house to make things easier for them, got snarky comments when we were a few minutes late after spending time looking for parking, and BIL ended up coming alone as they decided last minute it was easier for his wife to stay at home with the children. Since then we've pushed for weekend lunch anytime they want a meal with their children involved.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/08/2022 06:07

YABU. This isn’t an event that has anything to do with children, it’s about your brother. It’s harder work for you, but you do have choices that will make it easier. It’s a bit unfair for you to only want the option that inconveniences everyone else.

GordonBennetttt · 11/08/2022 06:10

Yabu. It's not always about you Stu!

redYellowandblue · 11/08/2022 06:11

newbiename · 11/08/2022 06:03

Is there a reason your partner can't look after his own children? You haven't said.

Its the penis effect
got a dick= can’t look after your own children

user1474315215 · 11/08/2022 06:18

Ok, so I seem to be the only one who thinks the OP isn't being unreasonable. It's a meal to introduce BIL's girlfriend to the family - surely the children are part of the family? They need to find a time that suits everyone - if early dinner doesn't work for some of the adults, then perhaps a weekend lunch would be better?

pedropony76 · 11/08/2022 06:22

Why is it 'unfair' for your DH to look after his own children?

This is a great question. So are you essentially saying you don’t ever leave the kids with the dad by himself? I have a 3 month and 15 month old and I probably leave the kids with him twice/three times a week.

I’d definitely leave my kids with their dad to go to the meal. It’s your brother after all

AJ2009 · 11/08/2022 06:22

If your child goes to bed at 8pm why can't your DP care for his own kids?
You wouldn't have been out long before it's bedtime.

Do you seriously think he can't handle his own two kids for a couple of hours?

Seems like you're finding an excuse for people to make plans that accommodate only you.

HairyMcLarie · 11/08/2022 06:23

Considerate? I'd still be at work at 6.30! I'd even struggle to eat at 7. 8pm is a much more reasonable time for dinner.

It's far more inconsiderate to change an adults dinner time to suit a couple of infants. Just don't take them.

MrPakora · 11/08/2022 06:29

Let the husband stay home with them. It's not unfair for a father to look after his own kids.

knackersToIt · 11/08/2022 06:32

Jeez. It's not hard. You go. Husband stays home.

devildeepbluesea · 11/08/2022 06:34

Parents like this are so tedious. The world doesn’t revolve around you because you’ve reproduced.

  1. Take kids pre-fed and with a buggy; or
  2. Your DP stays home to look after his own kids; or
  3. Get a babysitter.
Woodsparrow · 11/08/2022 07:00

Another vote for leaving the kids aT home with their dad

5zeds · 11/08/2022 07:10

I would imagine OP means it seems unfair to go and have a nice meal without him no the can’t look after the children. Perhaps meals “out” are a rare luxury.
I’d just go OP. Honestly it will be exciting for the toddler and lovely to see the new girlfriend and who knows she might be really nice or even better really nice AND love children and babysit for you in the future. 😆
Honestly you WANT practice at these kinds of things for your children and family are by far the easiest to do it with.

Pleasecouldihavesomeadvice · 11/08/2022 07:25

Just say that the timing is tricky, please can you make it a little earlier otherwise DD will make the evening stressful and unpleasant due to being bed time

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