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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its not very considerate?

223 replies

inpixiehollow · 10/08/2022 23:31

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/08/2022 07:26

Is the problem that your DH doesn’t want to look after his children on his own?

TrashyPanda · 11/08/2022 07:31

Why is it unfair for your partner to look after his own children?

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 11/08/2022 07:36

No issue i can see, we've always carried on going out for dinner with our kids. Get an extra nap in if you canfor 2yo, take colouring/kindle etc, lots of people should keep them entertained, they'll probably fall asleep in car on way home then move to bed.

This sort of thing is one of the reasons we've never done strict bedtime routines as didn't want to be stuck at home for no reason.

Unglamorousgranny · 11/08/2022 07:37

Its not unfair of them to book a meal for the time most people would like to go. 6pm is early when you're going out for a meal. You can't expect the rest of the world to revolve around you just because you have children. If it's a weekend night just go and take the push chair. Your little one can settle down in that if she gets too tired. One night won't matter.
We always took our little children to parties etc that were way past their bedtime without any problems

HotHeatDays · 11/08/2022 07:41

YABU. The world doesn't revolve around your DC nap time.

Can't get my head aroud your DP not being able to parent his own DC. 🙄

Arbesque · 11/08/2022 07:41

Perhaps it's meant to be an adult only occasion? In any event either get a babysitter or get your husband to mind them.
No one wants to hear babies and toddlers crying and whining when they're out for an evening dinner

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/08/2022 07:46

I dont think its inconsiderate as such but I do think they weren't bothered if you were there or not.

When only my sibling had kids, if I was hosting or booking somewhere for the rest of the family, I'd always ask them what suited them and the kids best. Partly because I wanted them there and although I wouldnt normally eat at 6pm, it's hardly a major inconvenience eating earlier - I'd just have a smaller lunch than normal so I was hungry. And partly because a tired ratty kid ruining a meal isn't nice for anyone

Brefugee · 11/08/2022 07:53

you want the entire family to make a plan that revolves around another member of the family to suit you best?

YABU

It's not "unfair" if you go alone, as a parent of young children you get that sometimes. The baby won't care what time the meal is, and you let the 2 year old sleep a bit in the day and make sure you have drinks and quiet entertainment if she gets cranky. Worst case? your DH takes the cranky one home and you hang on to the baby (since he apparently can't cope with his own children on his own)

Cosycover · 11/08/2022 07:54

Ffs. Clearly the OP meant it was unfair on her husband because he would then miss out on the dinner. The FAMILY dinner. That he is a part of.

But sure let's pretend he's never ever looked after his own kids.

MissyB1 · 11/08/2022 07:55

I don’t think it’s appropriate to take young kids out on what really is going to be an adult time. Either leave the kids at home with their dad or get a babysitter.

ImWell · 11/08/2022 07:55

Cosycover · 11/08/2022 07:54

Ffs. Clearly the OP meant it was unfair on her husband because he would then miss out on the dinner. The FAMILY dinner. That he is a part of.

But sure let's pretend he's never ever looked after his own kids.

It’s not clear to me, or to anyone else that’s made the same point. It seems perfectly normal that when you have little children that often one of you stays at home, and the other goes out.

Aubree17 · 11/08/2022 07:56

I don't think your being unreasonable at all.
It's a family meal that should accommodate everyone.
Where's the fun for you in sitting in a restaurant with two ratty children past bedtime?

I wonder if the same people that think your being unreasonable would be the same people to complain if they were sitting next to you in the restaurant trying to have a nice dinner in peace while your tired children are restless.

I would reply saying you'd really like to attend but it's too late as X goes to bed at 8 and ask if it's possible to make it earlier or a Sunday lunch. If they don't move to accommodate you politely decline.

Grimchmas · 11/08/2022 08:00

Another who is wondering why exactly its unfair to ask DP to have his own children for a couple of hours...?

HoppingPavlova · 11/08/2022 08:00

If they don't move to accommodate you politely decline.

or, go and have a good time safe in the knowledge the kids are safe as houses with their dad at home.

Livelovebehappy · 11/08/2022 08:14

Most people, if they work, would find that 6pm is far too early to get organised to go for a meal at that time. Sometimes things have to be sorted to fit in with the majority. Maybe explain your concerns about your DCs with your DM, and ask if the family can chip in with helping if dc becomes difficult to manage during the meal.

pictish · 11/08/2022 08:23

I think they can arrange the dinner as it suits them and you can either attend or not.
6 is very early for dinner out. This is to meet your brother’s girlfriend so I assume the timing is to suit them.

You seem to expect to be made the priority?

brookstar · 11/08/2022 08:30

Either take the kids or leave them at home with your DH.
It's that easy 🤷🏼‍♀️

SunshineAndFizz · 11/08/2022 08:31

I think you're getting a hard time here.

If our young kids are invited to a family meal it's either a lunch or a 6pm dinner. No one would expect them to come to something later. Likewise it's fine to have an adults only evening too.

I'd just say "would love to meet the new girlfriend, unfortunately that's too late for the kids, a 6pm meal is really the latest at their age, but I can come on my own and DP will stay with the kids."

That way if they want to move it earlier they can but you're not putting any pressure on them.

JorisBonson · 11/08/2022 08:32

The world doesn't revolve around you and your children.

Lincslady53 · 11/08/2022 08:37

Why don't you organise a family meal at a later date at a time that suits you? That way you have a little inconvenience at thus meal, and if yours us a success, it may persuade the rest of the family to think of different times in future.

ladydimitrescu · 11/08/2022 08:37

It's not inconsiderate, don't go if you don't want to. You need to factor in that others may be at work and 7pm is generally early for a dinner reservation anyway. It won't hurt your child for one night as you've said, so I don't see the issue tbh.

Sunnyqueen · 11/08/2022 08:37

Why can't your dh look after them? How is that unfair they are his kids lol.

Funkyslippers · 11/08/2022 08:38

I'm with you on this one OP. It's a family meal, and your OH is family so I can see why you'd think it's unfair to leave him at home with the kids. We often go out for dinner at 6pm if the kids are with us. We eat at 6.30ish which isn't too early and we'd be home by about 8pm. You should just say that time won't work for you

TrashyPanda · 11/08/2022 08:39

The meal is being organised in honour of DBs girlfriend.
not your children.
most adults would find it quite strange to go out for a meal at 6pm.
and a lunch is totally different atmosphere.

this is an evening meal, for adults. Given the circumstances, your DM probably isn’t bothered if your DC aren’t there, because it isn’t about them, and in truth, the meal will be more enjoyable for everyone else if they aren’t there. Children do change the dynamic

PerfectRun · 11/08/2022 08:40

It sounds awful for the GF IMO!

Don't go if you're not happy about the time. Meet the GF informally like normal people