To think its not very considerate?

[inpixiehollow]

DM sent a message to me earlier saying she is booking a meal out so the family can all meet DB's girlfriend. She's booking the table for 7/7:30 apparently and can we let her know if me, dp and our two very young children (2 and 9mo) will be coming..
she knows my 2yo goes to bed around 8pm and as much as I don't mind her being out of routine for one night, she does get emotional and ratty when tired so it just wouldn't be an enjoyable experience for us to have her there. I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children. We have no suitable babysitter unfortunately.
We are the only ones who have young children who would be attending and we don't have many family outings. I just feel like its a bit unfair, AIBU to expect some consideration and maybe book the table for earlier in the evening? Say 6pm?

I don't think it's unconsidered tbh. 7pm is quite early for a meal, and as much as new parents think the world revolve around their dc, it generally doesn't. I also don't know why you think it's unfair you go and dh stay at home. Can you not do things individual of one another? It's only a few hours, won't it be nice to spend time with your family and meet the new gf?

Grimchmas because it's a family meal that they've all been invited to. I'd feel the same if I went on my own. OP is not suggesting he can't look after his own kids. I'm assuming the issue is he is also family so it's a bit unfair to leave him at home

No, don't do this. The table has been booked and requesting a 6pm dinner (ludicrously early for most people) would just put everyone in an awkward position.

Some parents really do believe everyone else in their lives should revolve around their children's routines. Have also had "sorry, can't make an 8pm dinner, can it be 6pm" requests - a time when other people going would have literally still been in work. Also once tried to host parent friends for lunch - suggested 12.30pm as a nod to them needing it to be early, they insisted on "making it more of a brunch time" so we foolishly acquiesced to 11am, and then they TURNED UP AT TEN IN THE MORNING. ON A SATURDAY. Because apparently one of their kids was so excited about coming and telling them to wait wasn't an option. Obviously nothing was ready, we were barely out of bed. Perverse behaviour!

Don't do this. Your kids bedtimes are not their problem.

@inpixiehollow I don’t think YAB that unreasonable. In my family my DP is treated like blood family. So my mum would make plans that included us all and didn’t need to leave him behind. However we also have the relationship where I would be involved in the plan and could suggest this.

What’s wrong with a weekend lunch?
People are calling OP precious but it is hard with two young children and bedtimes.

I’m going to say this here because it’s an anonymous forum.

It really annoys me when parents of quite young DC become incapable of doing anything without a drama once they have DC . Parents who can only put their children to bed together. Parents who are completely rigid with their DCs routine.

This is just a one-off meal… be thankful that your DM has made it an open invite! Just go yourself and leave introducing the GF to your DC to another day.

If your DB and his GF are lovely then invite them at the meal to come to the park/have coffees with you to follow up on another day. They’ll love it.

Go out with your family OP. You’re a daughter/sister too… don’t lose that in the exhausting throes of being a parent.

There will be other occasions at all sorts of times and in all sorts of permutations where you can socialise with your DP and DC.

To be included as a family member you actually have to do stuff with them. Sometimes this might not suit you 100% but join in if you can and nurture what sound like otherwise lovely relationships.

Really?

Bloody hell the vipers are out in force on this one aren't they!! Simmer down folks, fucking hell.

@inpixiehollow
Totally get where you're coming from as I currently have a 2.5 year old who turns into an arsehole if she's somewhere a. restricted b. Not 'fun' AND c. past her 'wind down for bed' time.

(And before you all pile on me - yes we do keep her up later on occasion, doesn't mean she's particularly pleasant, and an unpleasant 2 year old in a restaurant will be the one you come on here whinging about them ruining your meal by running about and screaming... just saying).

I think a restaurant booking for 6 or 6.30pm is perfectly acceptable (and in fact normal, judging by the amount of family gatherings I see in restaurants with young children - surprise, that - when we go at a similar time...) bearing in mind that means eating after about 30 mins and then home.

As a PP said - it's a family intro, the children are family, as is DP. I'd have expected a 'we're going to have to book for 7 or 7.30, really sorry but we have to accommodate Aunty Pam's extreme working hours, would that work for you' as opposed to 'we're booking at 7pm like it or lump it' especially from my own mother.

Also yes it's fucking clear that she means it's not fair for DP to not be involved, as opposed to not fair for him to look after his children alone. Jesus Christ have some common sense before frothing and pounding your keyboards.

@inpixiehollow - decline. Meet her some other time. Poor gf. Too many people together. Overwhelming.

She isn't being inconsiderate at all.

You are not being inconsiderate by either saying no or going alone.

You are going to have to find a suitable baby sitter eventually.

It's hard for people who work to make a 6pm dinner too. Some parents really do think the world revolves around them. It doesn't. Sometimes someone will have to miss out to look after the children.

Why should everyone else have to have dinner at 6pm like a child, just because you apparently can’t go to a meal without your husband? Either go alone or don’t go. Most adults don’t want to go out for dinner at 6pm. Frankly, 7pm is already pretty early.

This. Given the purpose of the meal is about meeting the gf, the times should be suitable for that. Are you suggesting everyone eat at 6pm, because that would be ridiculous of you.

Bloody hell the vipers are out in force on this one aren't they!! Simmer down folks, fucking hell

People aren't "vipers" because they have an opinion that differs to yours.

and before you all pile on me - yes we do keep her up later on occasion, doesn't mean she's particularly pleasant, and an unpleasant 2 year old in a restaurant will be the one you come on here whinging about them ruining your meal by running about and screaming... just saying

It is quite clear that you are another one of those that thinks the world revolves around them because they have reproduced. If you allow your kid to run around screaming in a restaurant (your words) then you need to stay at home until you've taught said kid how to behave. Just saying.

I'd just go on my own. It be fun and you can relax without the kids. Look at it as a positive thing.

Alternative suggestion: tell your family that you're sorry you can't make it this time (don't go in to great explanations about how it doesn't suit your DCs) and suggest Sunday lunch somewhere for another time?

It is a fact of life that people don't think about children right up until hey have their PFB then the world must revolve around them. Our family have the tale of one sibling letting the entire world know about a pregnancy that was never expected to happen. 6 months later other sibling announces wedding in 3 months - almost on the other sibling's due date. Grudgingly agreed to move it 2 weeks later and incensed that pregnant sibling also politely (and very regretfully) declined. Siblings have an ok relationship when they are in the same location, but not much contact outside of that (has always been a birthday/christmas card relationship so that's not new) but the wedding, and the recent significant anniversary, is completely ignored by the then-pregnant sibling who has never said how much it hurt them.
When the 2nd sibling had a PFB they insisted all family events revolved around their schedule - to howls of derisive laughter from then-pregnant sibling, and "we'll see" from parents who adjusted schedules if they felt like it, and didn't if they wanted to stick to their original plans.

Have you got a 2 year old? Have you had a 2 year old? Have you tried to make a 2 year old strong willed girl sit in her chair for hours while adults eat dinner?
My DD is incredibly well behaved and will quite happily sit with a sticker book but my god if she is tired and you try to keep her there when she doesn't want to, she will scream like a banshee or run away - and then when you chase/catch her and give stern words and bring her back to the table will throw herself on the floor and scream some more.
Not a bad girl, just a bit of an arsehole because she is two and pushing boundaries.... the same as allllll other 2 year olds I know.

And yes, vipers. I totally get differing opinions, but some people just go all in with this fucking air of pretentious disgust and, quite frankly, it's unnecessary.

I think a restaurant booking for 6 or 6.30pm is perfectly acceptable (and in fact normal, judging by the amount of family gatherings I see in restaurants with young children - surprise, that - when we go at a similar time...) bearing in mind that means eating after about 30 mins and then home.

Good for you. In our family it wouldn't work for lots of us as we would still be or on our way home from work.

HTH

Just get a babysitter. Try sitters.co.uk. How do you think other parents manage to go out in the evening?

I also think its unfair if I go and my partner has to stay to look after the two children

No, it’s not.

That’s the only way DH or I had any social life for years when the kids were little! We went out separately.

Why don't you explain the situation to your DM, it's a long time since she had children so it's probably not occurred to her that this would be a problem (my DM has 4 GC and 1 GGC and doesn't have a single toy or plastic plate/cup in the house because it just hasn't occurred to her that these would be needed).

Perhaps you could suggest lunch on a Saturday or Sunday instead? This is what we do in my family if people want the kids there.

Another post and run thread 🙄

Sometimes you have to accept that, as a one-off, your child’s routine may change by necessity. It’s not healthy to be this rigid - especially when it inconveniences everyone else.

My parents are like this with my niece. Everything has to be about her routine. I organised to work from home (pre-Covid) for the day so that I could make my dad’s birthday dinner, travelling up the night before (120 miles) and working from their house. At about 4.15, my dad breezily calls out ‘We need to start getting ready - table’s booked for 5.’ When I said ‘5?!’ it was ‘Well, we’ve got to think about Lucy!’ When I pointed out that I didn’t even finish work until 5.30 he said ‘Well you can finish early, can’t you?’ The time to ask would have been BEFORE he booked the table…

How many people would be inconvenienced by a 6pm start? Do any of them matter?

PIL/BIL would do this to me but expect DC to be there. I’d then get a lecture about the inflexibility of my children.

However when BILs children were small we had to go out for a family anniversary meal and others at 5pm to accommodate them.
Theyre twats though.

Well, in our family, we don't. I finish work at 4pm, my mother finishes work at 5pm, my sister is a headteacher so ultimately never finishes work but can leave by about 5pm if she needs to.
So, it works for us, along with numerous other families.

HTH.

Why people expect the entire world to revolve around their children's lives and routines is beyond me!!! Personally, I find this expectation to be rude