Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

Keep it.

You have no moral obligation to give them anything, but I would respond every time it comes up with something along the lines of "I will be giving DB a large sum from the inheritance. Can we not talk about money...how are you?"

Otherwise how is your relationship with your family? They don't sound like very nice people!

Your uncle left You the money, you are under no. Obligation to involve your parents or share the money. Take a step back before you make any choices. Your parents should slow down and have no need to get involved.

Sorry for the loss of your uncle.

There is no way I would give by DB 125k when he couldn't be bothered to give your uncle the time of day and you're being treated this way.

Whatever you give him will not be enough; it'll also cause issues with your parents.

Sorry for your loss.

it was your uncles money to do with as he saw fit. Don’t let your family brow beat you into going against his wishes. If he wanted your parents and brother to have some money he would have left it to them.
I’d be giving them a much smaller token amount and keeping the rest.

Keep it all. That's what he wanted, but be prepared to lose your relationships with your family. Do they know how much it is?

Personally I wouldn’t give them anything but to maintain relations I would give them all a token amount of £5,000.

Its unfortunate for them that the only value they saw in the poor man is in his death and clearly didn’t value his life.

I’m sorry for your loss. He clearly wanted you to have the money and be happy with it. His wishes clearly excluded people for a reason.

I suspect if your parents don’t feel you gave your brother enough (half), you’ll find yourself disinherited in his favour in their estate, so I’d keep it and accept you’ll not inherit from them.😆

“My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years.”

^I wouldn’t be giving your brother a single penny let alone 125k!!!

You deserve the money for being kind to him and thinking of him, don’t let your parents guilt trip you.

YANBU but get legal advice if you think they may try and contest the will.

Your uncle left everything to you with good reason, you don’t owe your brother or parents anything.

Do your family know how much it is?

I wouldn't give the brother 125. Maybe 10.

You are not obliged to give them anything. Your parents are being obnoxious. I'd task them to reflect why your uncle has behaved as he has and to stop harassing you.
Tell them you have plans to help your brother - and how you do that is up to you. Tell them their behaviour is so bad that if they do not harassing you, they will drive you away altogether.

At least it's very clear why your uncle did what he did. I would tell my parents and brother that I intend to honour the final wish of my late uncle and ask them to do the same - no further discussion.

I would not hand my brother £125k because if he thinks he's entitled to 50% your relationship will take a massive hit regardless. Might as well keep the money.

I would be advising differently if your family had better attitudes but with people like this handing over some money will do nothing to save the relationship. Inheritance tends to bring out the worst in people and it looks like they started off from a low base in the first place.

The way the treated your uncle I wouldn’t give them a penny! Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't give any of them a penny. Your uncle made his wishes clear.

Oh what a horrible situation to be in.
Firstly you have no obligation to give them any money at all from his estate - if he’d wanted to gift them then he would have put it into his will.

However most people would probably feel with the amount involved, it’d be “morally right” to share the benefit with your brother. After all you are both related in the exact same way to your late uncle.

That said, I had a very similar situation in that I was the sole beneficiary from a close relative who no longer had relationships with my siblings and hasn’t had for some years. I did not / have not / will not be gifting them any of the money. The first reason is that we are no contact and they have not asked or mentioned and the second reason, my late relative purposefully took them out of their will. So who am I to ignore their wishes - it wasn’t done on a whim, they spent many years agonising over the will and estate and how to best deal with the estrangement etc. They made their final decision and were at peace with it - I’m not here to argue with it after they’ve died.

All that said, if you feel you’d like to gift your brother then that is up to you. However I would totally stay away from conversations about it - do not share details of probate. As they are not named and are not execs, they have literally no right to know anything of it.
As PP said, have a stock answer “I will sit down and talk with DB once probate has been granted and the estate settled, I don’t want to talk about it until then” and just rinse and repeat. If they continue to push then I’d be going low contact. They all sound horrible to be honest. Sometimes people need to hear some home truths, depends if you’re willing to go there. If not, then strategic avoidance is your best tactic.

Good point by Whitney168 that your parents might be tempted to disinherit you if they are that furious. Best to keep all of the inheritance as this might be the last one you get.

I wouldn't give your DP or DB anything. Your uncle is reflecting, in his will, the attention they gave him.
I would though, as a PP suggests, expect DP to reflect this in their own will(s), ie by leaving you less than DB.

Yes I agree.

Is your brother the Golden Child?

Have to agree with everyone else - I can’t see the case for giving them anything 🤷‍♀️ also, please don’t forget your uncle’s wishes in this. He made his choice pretty clear; how would you feel if you did likewise and your beneficiary decided to ignore that? I can’t believe he would have wanted a sum like £125k going to your brother and not have got that down in writing.

sorry for your loss…it’s yours to do what you want with…don’t be strong armed with histrionics and furious envy.

I just wouldn't rush into anything. I do see that since your uncle asked you to, you would ideally give your brother something. Not sure where £125k comes from?

I would go through all the processes and probate etc before you think about giving a penny to anyone - it can all take a long time.

You're not obliged to give him anything however I couldn't happily accept that amount without giving my only sibling 25%.

The 75% left for your family would be life changing anyway.

Some might think you purposely kept up contact with your uncle with a plan in hope for a share in his wealth, the fact his son died it was completely left to you.

I have two elderly childless aunts whom I have no expectations of inheriting anything from, I do have an adult cousin who brown noses both of them, he doesn't do anything for them but visits monthly for an hour, he is definitely laying the ground work like a little vulture.

I suspect he'll be inheriting from them, I'm sure it he suspects it too.

If I was left 550k from an uncle I'd definitely share.