Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

What about giving them each 50k? Then your parents can decide if they want to give your bro more ( doubt it). So realistically, I'd split it 75 to him 25 to them.

There will be a massive fall out anyway. Are were you likely to inherit anything off your folks?

What a mess and I am very sorry for your loss.

Be strong.

Adhere to your uncles wishes, there was a reason he made you the beneficiary and no one else. Imagine he was looking down and which route he would want you to take.

Very sorry for your loss

Well, if I was feeling mean then I'd pretend I'd given it all away as "my uncle had told me where to give it". So this charity and that charity etc. Tell them I'd done exactly what my Uncle had asked me to do. Maybe give your brother £50k and pretend that was all I'd kept for myself.
And then keep it. Just be careful about spending too much of it and making it obvious.

Your uncle made clear where the money should go

Keep the money.

i think it would be hugely disrespectful to your uncle to give a huge chunk of his money to someone (your brother) who totally ignored him. If your uncle had wanted your brother to benefit from his estate, he would have included him in his will.

I think you need to handle probate arrangements by yourself. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but it’s your money, if your uncle had felt sufficiently strongly about it then he would have changed his will.

It used to be possible to do a ‘deed of Variation’, a legal change, agreed by all named in the will, to change it to include others. If you were feeling exceptionally generous you do this to include your brother and/or parents. But the more they they to direct you the less I would feel like giving. It sounds as if the money would be life changing for you, that’s what your uncle wanted. I wouldn’t consider giving too much away, 50K in total as a max. Use the money for your family, enjoy and be thankful.

You have legally inherited this money, and nobody else is entitled to any of it. If you want to do some good perhaps make a charitable donation, but don't let your family have any involvement with any of this. The issue is between you and your solicitor only.

Your uncle's wishes were clear - I would not be giving them anything other than a token amount (if you even wish to do so), like £5/10k, considering the way they have behaved.

There is no way you should be giving your brother £125k - are you mad?! Keep it. If your uncle said to give him something, that means a token amount, not a quarter of his entire estate.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your parents and brother are behaving appallingly, do not involve them in the executor process.

All the best op

Experience of this sort of situation leads me to say keep it. Even if you were to give money to them (against your uncle’s wishes in the will) they will most likely push for more - people get incredibly greedy where money is concerned. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t- so keep it and benefit the way it was intended.

Sorry, I didn’t see that your uncle had asked you to give your brother “something”.

if he had meant such a large amount as £125k (almost a 1/4 of the estate) don’t you think your uncle would have put that in his will?

I'm sorry for your loss, you must miss him.
He made his wishes very clear in his will, that's why it's called a will, it's what he was willing to enable to happen. If he'd wanted your mum or brother to have the money then he would have willed it to them. So keep the money and cherish his memory.

You have inherited the money at your uncles wishes. What is the point in him voicing those wishes if you (at the demand of your family) go against them...?
If your uncle wanted your brother to have half, that's what he'd have stipulated.

Your family can be as peeves as they want really - perhaps they should have been nicer to him in life and he'd have been nicer to them in death.

I was just thinking along very similar lines

I was in a similar situation but in many ways more ridiculous. My late father's uncle left me a lot of family heirlooms and paperwork as he wanted to keep them in the family. My mother and siblings had made no effort to get to know him over 20 years but we're most affronted I'd been given it, even though they don't want any of it. I just stopped talking about it and never intend to mention it. (I didn't go on about it but once we went to get some and my family asked what we had done the weekend etc)

My only advice to you would be say nothing,do nothing,be vague and wait for everyone to get over it a bit. And then once you had had time to consider you can make some good decisions

Yup, my thoughts too. Unfortunately however kind your uncle thought he was being, I'd expect to be disinherited and made out to be in the wrong . In which case will you actually gain anything by giving DB so much?

I wouldn’t give your brother £125k! Your Uncle didn’t want him to have this or he’d have written it in his will. You have to respect his wishes, I couldn’t forgive us elf if I gave a large amount of someone’s money away to someone your uncle didn’t want to give to.

I would respect your Ucles will & give a token 10k at most.

Don’t involve them ,keep the lot ,
they will walk all over you given a chance ,and then probably still leave all their money to your brother

I would share with the brother. 50/50

God I LOVE Mumsnet. Thank you ladies for your support. I feel so knotted up about the situation - I think my parents expect to snap their fingers and I'll do their bidding, except I don't believe that it is fair that I have done so much (including clearing out my dead cousin's room and taking stuff to the dump, which was heartbreaking). My mother is very much a surrendered wife, who thinks men should come first, second and third hence the need for DB to get his half.

My Dad even kicked off about how my DH (0f 20 years) has been involved in some of the admin - sorting out a locksmith to change to locks - on the grounds that "it isn't his family."

I am dreading Friday. I have to make a long car journey, for reasons to do with my poor uncle, and now my parents have invited themselves along. It is too outing to explain properly. The prospect of about 7 hours in the car with them is giving me sleepless nights.

Your family’s reaction is pretty common I’m afraid. I used be attached to the local coroners office and it was always the relatives who did least for the deceased who were first in line with their hands out.
The tax implications of handing over such substantial sums are horrendous! You need professional advice on varying the will/ gifting anything from your uncles estate. Do you think your parents will cut you off emotionally (and financially from their estates in due course) if you resist? They could do both even if you cave in to them now. If those are real possibilities, I’d opt for a bird in the hand approach. Better to have the funds for yourself and your children now than spend years appeasing people that you’ve already bought off in the vain hope of them treating you as fairly.
They’ve shown their true colours - don’t expect them to play fair.

And yes the disinheriting/ changing percentages has occurred to me already. Except good luck relying on DB for help when you are too infirm to do it yourself. He won't be around to help.

Kitsy - why?

Are you likely to inherit from your parents? Is there a possibility that they will make your brother sole heir and executor to their estate and leave you with nothing as a result?

How likely is it that this will affect your future relationship with your parents and your brother?

Will £125k be enough to mend that relationship? If not.. is it worth sharing 50/50 or is it worth considering the relationships already doomed and giving them nothing..

this Was your uncles money and your uncle’s decision. If he wanted to gift money to your parents he would of. It is kind to give something to your brother, but likely it will accomplish little. Even over 100k your uncle did not intend to go to him will still leave him feeling ungrateful to your uncle and angry at you. You had a lovely relationship with your uncle and he left it to you. How lovely you were close and a comfort to him. Do what you want, but tell your family you won’t be bullied and this was not even your decision.

The most is give my brother in this situation is £50k and that would be me being generous. I’d probably give my parents £50k too. The rest I’d keep and I’d try to continue a good relationship with my family. If years went only and they refused to talk to me became of the inheritance then I’d probably end up reassessing the amount I have them begrudgingly give them more. Just because in the long run, although they have absolutely no right over the money, it would upset me to lose my one sibling and parents over money, however unfair they were being.