Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

399 replies

Teentaxidriver · 09/08/2022 22:39

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

OP posts:
Bangolads · 09/08/2022 23:43

Give your brother £10,000 and ignore your parents demands and behave as nothing has changed. It’s your money!!!

caringcarer · 09/08/2022 23:43

Gift your dB £25k and your dgparents £25k. Then keep rest for yourself and your children. Think what a nice deposit you could gift to each child. Don't let others get involved in probate and refuse to discuss with others. Brace yourself to not inherit from your parents. They may leave everything to your brother.

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2022 23:45

And please don’t offer him £125k. Neither your brother nor your parents will be appreciative or inclined to treat you any better. All you’ll likely get is demands for the rest of it.

Tallisimo · 09/08/2022 23:46

Oh, and definitely don’t allow them to come with you on the journey, absolutely not. Put your foot down!

CurlUpAndDye · 09/08/2022 23:47

If at all possible please get out of the 7 hour car ride. Find any excuse to avoid that, by the sound of it they will use that time to browbeat you until you agree with them. Say you need to take a seperate car or train anything, it will be a nightmare if you travel together. Be firm.

I agree with PP that any amount you give your B will never be enough, so do not give money in the hopes that they will be placated. It already sounds like they pick at you and your DH, so I'm sorry to say that family relations will never be harmonious no matter what you do. I'm also joining the chorus of no money to B or if you absolutely feel you must then a small sum like 5,000. But just know he will not be grateful for any unless he gets the lot.

It's your money Op, please enjoy it with your DH and DC! and go NC with your nasty family members

WGACA · 09/08/2022 23:54

If it was the other way around would they give similar amounts to you do you think?

Howtohelp1234 · 09/08/2022 23:55

Something similar happened in my family. My aunt left her money to me but nowhere near the amount in your uncles estate, it was about 20k. I ended up sharing the money 50/50 as I was more or less told that if I didn’t the whole family would fall apart and I may not inherit in future. I was young and didn’t want to upset my parents for the sake of 10k. Years later there is absolutely no recognition at all that I shared the money, they are still annoyed with me that it was left to me in the first place. Basically I think that the damage is already done whatever you decide. Good luck

InquiringMinds · 09/08/2022 23:57

Teentaxidriver · 09/08/2022 22:39

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

Please fo not give them anything, you are the legal and sole heir! I have been through this hell three times in mu life. One with a close Aunt, then Uncle and then one of my parents. In short, it showed to me that no one who asked me for money had any integrity or compassion for me, nor for my family members when they were alive. However, aa soon as I was left the money and they were all cut out, it was all about making me feel awful if I didn’t give them the money. Sadly your family are not treating you or your late Uncle with respect. They are not legally entitled to anything. Not even your brother cared to see him in twenty years. Keep the money! If your family truly care about you, they will respect your Uncle’s will!

TheNoteIsEternal · 09/08/2022 23:57

Your uncle knew what he was doing and he chose you to inherit. Don't disrespect that by deciding he got it wrong and giving the money to people he didn't want to get anything. This is a gift from him to you, made with love and with thanks for the help you gave him.

mamabear715 · 09/08/2022 23:57

What IS it with these greedy families?
You were the one who obviously cared for your uncle, but they think you should just hand money over?
Other posters have advised, I just wanted to back them up / agree that whatever you give unless you hand the lot over, will never be enough, & you'll have turned your back on your uncle's last wishes.
I actually feel pretty sorry for you, because you're never going to please everyone. :-(
Hugs.. x

StaunchMomma · 09/08/2022 23:59

You didn't ask him to leave you everything BUT you were the only one in the family who had regular contact and helped him out - make sure you point that out, OP.

They have no right to barge their noses in if they aren't in the will and your brother doesn't deserve hundreds of thousands of pounds if he didn't bother with his uncle.

They sound awfully grabby, OP.

Make sure you put the needs of your family before the demands of your parents and DB!

Pbbananabagel · 10/08/2022 00:03

it doesn’t matter who your uncle’s ‘closest blood relative was’.

that was his money and he left it to YOU.

giving anything to your parents or more than a token amount to your brother would be disrespectful. He wanted you to have that opportunity to change your life. No one else. No matter what you do you will be going against someone’s wishes, so do the right thing and honour your uncle’s to the letter as he entrusted this duty to you.

prh47bridge · 10/08/2022 00:03

Kup · 09/08/2022 23:41

If the estate is mainly a property with some savings there won't be much inheritance tax to pay on an estate that size. I can't see how making a deed of variation will make any difference at all tax wise.

Show quote history

If OP gives the money direct to her brother without a deed of variation, it will be treated as a lifetime gift from the OP and will be part of her estate for Inheritance Tax purposes unless she lives for 7 years after making the gift. If, however, she executes a deed of variation, her brother would be a beneficiary of her uncle's estate and there would be no potential liability for IHT. A deed of variation may also reduce liability for Capital Gains Tax.

beachcitygirl · 10/08/2022 00:04

Sorry for your loss OP, I wouldn't give your parents or brother more than a nominal amount. Say £10k each and that would be generous.

Your uncle wanted YOU to have this money for damm good reason.

whumpthereitis · 10/08/2022 00:05

It genuinely fucking amazes me sometimes what people think you should be prepared to tolerate in the name of ‘peace’. Didn’t think it was possible to make war the most attractive proposition, yet here we are.

You haven’t been a child for a long time now OP, you’re a grown ass woman with a family of your own. The only power your parents and brother have over you is that which you give them. So don’t give them any. Stand up for yourself as well as for your family.

Wetblanket78 · 10/08/2022 00:08

The money was left to you to do what you want with it. Just tell them you weren't bothered about him when he was alive. What gives them the right to a penny of hinheritence now he's gone.

undersleptagain · 10/08/2022 00:11

It was your uncle’s money and he wanted you to have it, he obviously had his reasons. I think you should honour his memory and keep it.

Kup · 10/08/2022 00:12

Do you think that your parents might think your Uncle made the will when he was vulnerable. If his only child died only a few months earlier and if he was so ill then maybe they think he wasn't thinking things through. Changing his will so close to his death was likely to cause problems.

As I mentioned in my earlier post my parents are splitting their estate equally between their four children even though one is estranged. I 100% agree with this. The thought that I would be financially rewarded for caring for them would feel really wrong. You say you were surprised that your brother didn't start showing his face a bit more when your Uncles son died as you thought he might realise that there was money at stake but maybe he didn't realise.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/08/2022 00:14

If the situation was reversed, do you think your Dbro would share?
I know my siblings would.

Ncfreely · 10/08/2022 00:14

I think you are being kind to your brother. Your parents are acting outrageously. Horrible for you OP. You have absolutely no obligation to give them anything nor should you.

Ncfreely · 10/08/2022 00:15

Howtohelp1234 · 09/08/2022 23:55

Something similar happened in my family. My aunt left her money to me but nowhere near the amount in your uncles estate, it was about 20k. I ended up sharing the money 50/50 as I was more or less told that if I didn’t the whole family would fall apart and I may not inherit in future. I was young and didn’t want to upset my parents for the sake of 10k. Years later there is absolutely no recognition at all that I shared the money, they are still annoyed with me that it was left to me in the first place. Basically I think that the damage is already done whatever you decide. Good luck

Take heed OP.

whumpthereitis · 10/08/2022 00:17

And lastly, no matter what they may have instilled in you, the world won’t actually collapse if you tell them to get fucked (literally and/or figuratively. You may even find it liberating.

Save yourself that car journey too, or you’re doomed to spend 7 hours getting sniped at by your passive aggressive father whilst your mother wails like she’s in the Sistine Chapel. You’d be better setting off a week earlier on foot, rather than subject yourself to that ordeal.

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/08/2022 00:17

Whatever you give your brother, they won't think it is enough.

So, I would make it a token amount and expect to go low/no contact.

Your Uncle's wishes were clear.

UnicornsDoExist · 10/08/2022 00:17

I think no matter what you give them they won’t be happy and will probably say you got more than you say. Follow your uncle’s wishes, give them a token amount each and refuse to discuss it again after that.

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/08/2022 00:18

I agree with everyone, whatever you do will be wrong.
Try and get out of the car journey, and I would give nothing to your parents, as I assume they are not starving. I wouldn't give your brother anything either.
I would also refuse to discuss it, just say it's in the hands of the solicitors.
Good luck

Swipe left for the next trending thread