Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

I agree that the damage is done & there's no point pandering to your parents or your brother. I'd just stress to them how fond you were of your uncle, that you were close & tried to help him, and that you appreciate that he has thanked you in this way. Quite likely your parents will redress the balance in their own will but cross that bridge when you come to it.

Would you ignore a dying relative, then turn up demanding ‘your share’ from the sibling that actually had cared for them, before the body was even cold?

because if so, your sibling would be a fool to share.

This 👆🏻
You don’t need to give your mother and brother anything, they could have shown an interest in your uncle, pitched in, supported him, they chose not to. You were left the money because you did; your uncle is recognising that you went the extra mile for him and through some pretty tough times.

You do not need to involve them in obtaining probate. If you have a solicitor, explain the situation to them, it doesn’t sound like your parents could claim that being left out of the will would cause them hardship; would your brother try something like this?

There aren’t any, unless you die. People don’t half talk shite on here

I personally think the situation stinks a little, your DM disinherited while your uncle was grieving.
Was your uncle unwell in the month before he passed away?
Maybe I'm foolish to say I could never accept that amounts of money when a sibling got nothing.

I have four siblings one of which is a a nasty piece of work and has caused no end of grief to everyone else in the family. My parents are still leaving any inheritance to us all equally despite the fact my other siblings and I are the ones caring for them. We ALL think this is the right thing to do. I am going to be the executor and I'll make sure everything is done completely fairly. I won't reward myself for being more involved with my parents.

Same here bar a nasty one.
We lost both of our parents last year, any assets will be split in equal amounts.
My eldest Dsis definitely deserves extra for all the care she needs she done - all the same in the name of fairness everybody gains the same amount.

I'm going to suggest buying her something extra between us.

There is no amount you could give them that would be enough.
Better to give them nothing because there is no right amount.

In your mums mind, she owns all of it & would get to decide how it is spent.
Some of it, she would spend on herself/your dad.
She expected to have all the control & nothing will be right as she will not have that.
In your brothers mind, half of it is his.

None of your family appear to have considered for a second your uncles feelings, or your feelings.

Your uncle made his own will and made his own decisions.
He chose NOT to leave them a penny in his will.~
If he had wanted them to have stuff, he would have included it.

20 years?! Have they been in touch?

My uncle had one child who was set to inherit the lot and who then died in his early 40s earlier this year. At which point everything shifted. TBH I expected DB to perk up and make more of an effort then in anticipation of something coming his way (he didn't) Really? Perk up? You mean butter up?
Strange way to think about a grieving fatherless elderly man.

You say that your uncle changed his Will in May, OP. If this is the case, presumably from what you've said, it's since his only child died? If he hadn't made a new Will at this time, your mother, being his closest living relative would have got everything. Your uncle clearly did NOT want her to have it, which is why he made a new Will. He was probably aware that she would let your DF and DB get their greedy mitts on it, because as you've said, she believes that men always come first. So my advice, (and I agree with all of those who have said however much you give them will not be enough) would be to give your DB maybe £5k, and your parents nothing. My reasoning being that your uncle asked you to give your DB a 'token' amount, which £5k would be on an estate worth £550k. He DID NOT ask you to give anything to your mother, his sister, so clearly didn't want her to have anything. Sadly, money always brings out the worst in relatives, but the way your parents are treating you over this, shows exactly what they really feel, ie, that your brother is more important than you. In which case, even if you gave him 50% of the money, they'll still leave their estate to him. Look out for yourself OP, as it's obvious that none of your family, are going to look out for you. Oh, and finally, please DO NOT let them come with you on Friday, be blunt, tell them they weren't interested in your uncles affairs while he was alive, and therefore they are not welcome to get involved in anything to do with his estate now that he's dead. Sorry you're going through all this, particularly when you are mourning your uncle. Bearing in mind that your DF has probably annoyed your DH by the nasty comments he made about him getting the locks changed, would your DH be willing to step in, and tell them to back off, to save you having to deal with them when you already have so much on your plate in dealing with your uncle's estate? Just a thought, but perhaps they wouldn't be able to trample all over his feelings like they are trying to do to you.

You distribute the estate according to the will. So nothing to the money grabbing family.

Whatever you give your brother or you parents will never be enough in their eyes, so if you are going tonget the hassle and be disowned, then may as well be for the whole lot!!

I would have what you had planned in my head and every time they brought it up or tried to make you feel bad about it I would take off £5k.

Well it's not your dads fucking family either, so he can shut his fucking face then, can't he?

What’s she said about the uncle that’s ‘weird’? She’s passed comment entirely on her brother, and that she expected him to perk up (pay attention to the opportunity for personal gain) and start circling earlier than he actually did.

Probably too much in the way of effort, when he knows he can just bully his sister after the fact.

My condolences on your loss.

i suspect there is something you are not being told........

Plot twist: your brother currently owes your parents' money and they were banking on your DB inheriting and repaying them. i doubt they thought you would be mentioned given their reaction.

I would honour your uncles wishes and keep the rest.

I would avoid sharing a car with them at all costs and leave them out of it.
They clearly cannot behave.

Honestly if my parents and brother behaved like that the only thing they’d be getting out of me would be a postcard from the Bahamas.

By the sounds of it your brother is going to get their inheritance anyway, given their described mindset and him being the male heir.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP don't rush into a solution, despite what your parents might tell you there is no hurry to disburse any of your uncle's money.

You are grieving (it seems like everyone has forgotten that) and no one should make life changing decisions so soon in that situation.

Whump - you are probably right. Too much of an effort, although, the pressure is 100% coming from my parents. I haven't seen my brother since my uncle's funeral. DB is equally slack with me and rarely makes contact first.

What I can't understand is that my parents know how precarious our finances are. My husband's industry has taken a beating since about 5 years ago and he has to run harder each year just to stand still earnings-wise. My mum keeps saying how to wants to give her grandchildren money (4 in total, 2 mine and 2 DB's). Last time I checked, my children don't pay the mortgage or the gas bill.

Maybe at 80 years of age, you are just completely out of touch.

Thank you everyone for your contribution.

@Teentaxidriver I was thinking a small amount to each your DP and DB would be nice but after reading about their behaviour and attitude towards you like fuck I would share that out with them!! Your parents have no right to tell you what you do with YOUR inheritance never mind demanding you give 50% to your brother!! It was your uncle's decision to leave it all to you and I can see why with their entitled attitude.

I'd be setting them straight that after their behaviour and attitude they won't be getting fuck all, not even a penny. It takes a death and a will to bring out people's true colours and your uncle clearly saw it years ago thats probably why he left it all to you rather than the three entitled cunts trying to bully you so they can get their greedy hands on the money, perhaps if they had been as caring as you your uncle might have left them something you reap what you sow as the saying goes.

Refuse to engage on the topic op everytime they bring it up firmly say "I don't want to talk about it" and put the phone down or leave. I agree with a previous poster you should withdraw from them and do some thinking because whatever amount you do give it won't ever be enough they'll still try and bully you for more money until they've bled you dry.

I don’t get the expectations siblings have of inheriting, especially as younger generations are generally much more in need these days. I suspect that your Uncle didn’t pass anything onto your Mum because he didn’t want your Dad to get his hands on it. Usually I am in favour of sharing inheritance equally but if you want to gift an amount to your brother it’s up to you. Do you think he would do the same for you? As for your parents they are being grabby, greedy and manipulative. It may be time to go low/no contact.

Does your DB have children?

‘At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.’

THIS is key to me.

Your dear Uncle knew you well & went out of his way to express his affection & appreciation of you by making you his sole heir. He made his choices & decision, & followed through on this by instructing his solicitor to write this up in his will. In the UK we are free to leave our estate to who we please.

Take your Uncle at his final word & enjoy his gift to you.

Your selfish nasty parents & brother may learn something from this & that is your Uncle’s gift to them.

Give them not a penny, it is not their money.

“I’ll be honouring my uncle’s wishes” along with a reminder that your brother had no relationship with him whatsoever and you mother a declining one.

Tax implications : Read this guidance for starters
www.reassured.co.uk/life-insurance/how-much-money-can-you-give-as-a-gift-uk/
It isn’t just about your position here and now OP, there’s potential knock on effects for your own estate (and therefore your dh & dc) should anything happen to you.
Get advice from a decent lawyer about the tax position and/or varying the will (by deed of variation) if that’s what you decide to do AFTER proper advice, that’s up to you . In any case make sure you make or update your will and get advice on lasting powers of attorney.
Finally, as someone said up thread you get done really knowledge people on MN and done who haven’t got a clue but think they know it all. Your only safe bet is to get RL professional advice.

Keep it. Your uncle knew what he was doing.

Sorry late night typos 🥴 some not done