Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

My mum keeps saying how to wants to give her grandchildren money

Well, she can, can't she, with her own money. It doesn't sound too nice that, in her head, she was appropriating her brother's money in this way.

Remind your parents and your brother that it is your uncle's money. If he had wanted to leave them some money, then he would have.

Your parents refused to visit him when he was sick. Remind them .

This is life changing money for your kids. Respect and honour your uncle's wishes. Do not give in thinking that if you don't give them some money , then they will cut you out of their inheritance. Don't expect any inheritance from your parents. Just hope they spend all their money on themselves and live a happy life and just leave you with zero dollars.

If it were me, I would give a token10,000 pounds to your parents, and 10,000 pounds to your brother for them to spend as they wish. That is more than generous.

See the money as a blessing for your family and keep the money. Maybe down the road something happens and you really need the money.

You have seen the true colours of your parents being mean not to help your uncle, and your brother not even visiting him when he is sick. He also lost his child and he would have thought hard on who to leave the money to.

You have to fight for your uncle's right to leave his money where he sees fit.

If your parents are being a pain in the ass, then just give them 20,000 pounds and say " Here is 20K. Decide how much you want to give to brother" and tell your brother that. That will shift the dynamics.

I am sorry that you lost your uncle, OP. You sound a much nicer person than the rest of your family. Your uncle's wishes were set out perfectly clearly in his will, so why would you want to change them. In respect for him, follow his wishes as closely as you can re. how much to give brother and parents, but don't give more under pressure from them. It seems he trusted you if he actually asked you to give them something. If he did not, keep it all. Your parents and DB will not come to any harm by facing up to the mirror you hold up to them.

£20,000 is too generous for your parents and brother. Don’t give them anything because whatever you do will never be enough.
Think of your children - Uni fees, flat deposits, weddings. Imagine them getting the benefit of the inheritance ultimately, which is what was intended.

To everyone who is saying this is a transformational sum of money - it is. In my head I absolutely know that, but I am a people-pleaser and the idea of "disappointing" my parents fills me with cold hard dread. Hence me posting last night. I needed to hear a chorus of opinions, although in my case everyone seems pretty unanimous that the pressure being placed on me is unfair and to think hard about how much I give away.

On a happier note, my parents have cancelled Friday. They can't face the idea of such a long journey in this weather. HURRAH. I still have to go but thankfully I won't have to fend off arguments about how the inheritance might be split.

Your only moral obligation is to carry out your uncle's wishes as best you can. By planning to give your brother a generous amount (far more than your uncle would ahve suggested, I suspect. If he'd wanted your brother to have that much, he would have left it in his will) you are doing this and being very generous to your brother. You need to stand up to your parents - not by having a big row, but by refusing to discuss it. 'DU left this in my hands and I am dealing with it.'

but I am a people-pleaser and the idea of "disappointing" my parents fills me with cold hard dread

It doesn’t fill your parents with cold hard dread to treat you unfairly though, does it.

If you were my daughter I would have congratulated you on being a nice person, and that this time it paid off and you deserve it for being there for your uncle when they weren’t. I know my mum would say the same to me.

If your Uncle wanted that much money to go to your parents and brother he would have put it in his will.

I think you have to accept only giving away most of this money will make your family happy. That's not what your Uncle wanted so get some therapy and keep the money.

You won’t conquer the dread by giving in to them, you’ll only conquer it by facing it head on and realising that actually, it was never worth your fear in the first place.

Think about pleasing your children, and your husband if you have to frame it like that.

@UniversalAunt gave good advice.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I don't know if you've been asked this before so I hope I'm not repeating what's already been asked. Are you handling probate yourself or instructing a solicitor? I'd personally go for the latter and thereafter direct your parents/brother to your solicitor. Tell them it's out of your hands. The next thing they'll be whining about is how long it's taking to get the grant - you need support and back-up here.

Good luck with everything.

If you give away the money though, it is basically your children’s future inheritence you give away. You could do some nice investments for them instead.

Great news for Friday!

You are the sole heir, so the others don't get a penny. If you CHOOSE to give them any amount, that is purely out of the goodness of your heart as they are not owed it.

That's an interesting one. I would split the inheritance equally, so a share for your parents, one for your brother and one for you. I don't think it's the most helpful thing when people die and create disharmony among family by only giving inheritance to one person. If I were in the same position I'd split everything and be happy with the share - after all, a smaller share is probably more than you initially expected.

As long as op knows they won’t be thankful though.

You might do that if you had a nice family but she clearly doesn't. They are going to cut her dead anyway, they are punishing her for having been left money. If she gave away 90% they would still be complaining and would probably cut her out of their will anyway. OP, your husband is as related to your uncle is your father is, so your father has no right to say anything about what he does.

None of them would get a fucking penny. Your Uncle wrote his will, leaving everything to YOU. It would be grossly disrespectful of his final wishes to hand money over to these nasty, grabby fuckers.

Good news for Friday but please You need to start putting boundaries in. Stop telling them stuff.

Don't let them invite themselves to things.

Stop with the trying to seek their approval. They only care about the money, not you, not your uncle.

@illiterato not quite sure why you tagged me on that comment. I was stating that the ‘horrendous’ tax implication someone talked about are really not, and people are misleading in their comments: they talk absolute rubbish, because they ‘think’ they know some facts.
What you said is correct and, yes I know!
If the OP chose to gift as opposed to a DoV, then the only implications would be a reduction in her NRB that her DH inherits, and then ONLY IF she dies in 7 years. Not exactly horrendous.

Wills and bequests, or lack of, do the strangest things to people.

Probate is easy enough to so if you are patient/polite/keep good records. It can be a bit of a slog. There is a great forum on Moneysavingexpert that reassured us.

In your situation I think I would sort out all the accounts and bills and then sub-contract to a solicitor. I am pretty certain that they can see what the probate office are/aren't doing (unlike Joe Public - it often took me 20-40 minutes to speak to a human to discover that they had frozen our "case" because they had mis-filed something).

Sending you a virtual handhold for the next few weeks.

I'm guessing the OP isn't close to her nephews or nieces? If the OP doesn't want her brother to benefit from the Uncles estate maybe she could split it between her kids and her nephews or nieces. It seems a shame they would end up being punished because of their fathers behavior.

Sorry for your loss. What a horrible situation to be in.

Death can really bring out the worst in some people.

My thoughts are...your uncle left them out for a reason so I'm assuming something has gone on.

He wanted you to have it and you should keep it.

If it were me id still probably split it equally between my mum and siblings but that's because we've never had much money and my mum has struggled as a single parent all her life.

For you though, rather than give them money what about booking a really nice holiday for you all.

They’re not being punished because they’re not being denied anything rightfully theirs.

Given how favoured their father seems to be, I’m sure they’ll benefit from that.

It's yours legally. If you want to feel better give them some money. But 500k doesn't go far once you start handing it out. And what's to to stop them asking for more? There was a reason you were the sole beneficiary.