Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

If your parents are in their 80s then maybe it was understandable they didn't want to travel to see your uncle? IDK maybe they were worried about Covid or maybe they thought they had more time.

Lots of porters are saying there is no amount you could give your brother that would make this ok but I suspect if you split the money evenly that that would be enough. 🤷🏻‍♀️. It depends how much you value your family. Keeping the money may split your family permanently. Is that really worth it to you?

It doesn't matter what you do it won't be right! But, you can carry our your uncle's wishes. A very token amount for your brother and nothing for your parents as the will states. I've been through similar. No discussion with the extended family about any of this. Look after your self and your own family. I'm very concerned you are going to be in a confined space with your parents for several hours. Can someone travel with you to shut down the conversations parents will try to instigate? Your ignoring muscles will be working very hard over those hours.

Dear OP,

your uncle made his wishes crystal clear, if he had wanted any of these entitled money grabbing vultures to have anything from his estate he would have left them something, he did not. I think you should point that fact out to your family and just tell them you are respecting his wishes as executor of his will. If he had left the lot to your mother and made you executor you would have executed that. Tell them you are not going to go against his wishes because they want you to. They are not entitled to anything and you are not obliged to give them a bean and they just need to get over it and move on. Stick to your brief OP. I think that you betray your uncle if you deviate from his will. If it was my will I would want it followed to the lette, after all that’s the point of making a will.

Crikey, that's an awkward one - I do not envy you. Partly because when life changing amounts of money are involved, it can bring about some strange situations that you never envisaged happening - until then.

I had a situation with my mother dying fairly recently - she left everything to my Sister and I (only children). Her long term partner (on and off for 30yrs) was given a token amount. They had drifted apart and towards the end of her life we'd had a lot of falling out with him.

He did help her through the two C's (COVID and Cancer) but did so in a childish way (you know, huffing and puffing like he was the one that the world had 5hit on) - we were unable to help as much due to restrictions/vulnerable person and not living close by (he lived very close by - IE next door).

They didn't share anything financial (house/car/bills, anything). He definitely felt he should of got a lot more and we now no longer speak at all. No one in the family does and its not a pleasant feeling in all honesty.

I personally think what you are doing is right - without knowing the nuances of your family relationships.

If you're uncle said to give your brother something, then I would honour that.

Not sure about giving parents some if they are well off. As a parent, my only goal is providing for the kids and their kids - so, if well off - why take it.

Money isnt everything

just my 2 cents worth.......

They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate.

They can expect all they like, they have no right to be involved. You are the executor and carrying out the wishes of the testator is your responsibility alone. They can help you to achieve that but they have no influence on how the will is to be executed.

What's your relationship like with them generally? Do you always come a poor second to DB? Can you tell them it's a shame they weren't as interested in him as a person when he was alive, as they are in his money now he's dead?

But please don't give in to them. If DB is the golden child by virtue of being male nothing you gave him would be enough (unless you gave him all of it) and it won't change the family dynamic. They won' think more of you for doing so.

given that her family think nothing of bullying her into doing what they want before she’s even had a chance to breathe following her uncle’s death, it seems a very cheap price to pay tbh. ‘Family’ is worth fuck all If they treat you like shit.

OP’s immediate family, and her priority, is her husband and children, and by the sounds of it this money (that is rightfully hers) would change their lives. She owes nothing to her brother or parents based only on shared blood.

@Weirdlynormal in this instance the uncle is already dead ( the article is talking about lifetime gifts) and the estate bears the IHT liability not the beneficiary. As the value of the estate is over the IHT threshold it will be subject to some IHT but it will be the same regardless of who the beneficiaries are - basically OP will not get some massive tax bill. The tax will be taken out of the estate and she will receive the balance.

@RebOrHon umm, that still doesn't explain your earlier comment "The tax implications of handing over such substantial sums are horrendous ". If there was a deed of variation so that the estate was split evenly between the OP and her brother then it isn't treated as a 'gift' from the OP to her brother and won't have any tax implications for her or her family or her estate. The link you've posted is irrelevant.
As I mentioned in my earlier thread I agree that the OP should get proper legal advice if she did decide to share the money with her brother but I can't see there would be any reason to think there would be any tax implications at all.

However, on tax, if the OPs parents have enough money and a taxable estate then it’s bad tax planning to give them anything because they may well die in the next few years ( in their 80s) and then the estate will be taxed again before passed to their beneficiaries so basically it’s getting double taxed. This is why the bulk of estates tend to be passed down and why skipping a generation often makes sense.

Ah. That’s one way of presenting yourself as benevolent and generous, without actually having to be benevolent and generous.

If your uncle had left the money to your mother, your father would have control of it. I imagine the fact he doesn’t is what’s thoroughly pissed him off, based on what you’ve said. Pressuring you to give it to your bother is trying to assert control, whilst ensuring that the ‘rightful (male) heir’ at least gets half.

Sorry for typos. Too many to mention

That's true. Especially as the OP has mentioned that they are wealthy.

Agree it seems a bit too grabby.

If I read the OP correctly, your uncle did ask you to give some to your brother, so I think that’s reasonable. I wouldn’t stay stuck on the 125 number until you’re of the size of the estate, though.

What I do think you should do is stop discussing it with your parents at all. If they ask, be vague, say you don’t want to talk about it and change the subject. If they bring up issues just say it’s all in hand and you’ll be sorting it out in accordance with your uncle’s wishes. Don’t tell them about trips to do with the estate. Don’t tell them dates or final amounts or next steps. Just say it’s in hand and you not going to talk to them about it.

If you are determined to give your brother a sizable chunk, it may be worth saying that as part of your standard spiel as a previous poster suggested, since that sounds like your Parent’s main “concern”. But don’t get drawn into how much that will be. I would also consider whether you really should give him any. If you think your parents might disinherit you (or your mum might favour your DB anyway because he’s male) I would consider making it a more nominal payment, 5k - 25k, say.

If your parents really won’t shut up then I think pointing out their treatment of your uncle might be reasonable. You could calmly, in a world weary voice, say something along the lines of - it’s a pity you couldn’t take this sort of interest in uncle when he was alive or been more prepared to drive 7 hours for him rather than his money. The will might have been very different.
Then leave and let that sit for a while. It is highly unlikely to help your relationship with them, though.

And cancel this trip on Friday. Don’t spend 7 hours in a car with them brow beating you or letting them get involved. Tell them you can’t do it this week and rearrange sometime without them.

Whump, I dont understand how the father would have control over the money if the Uncle had left it to the sister? Please explain

Just four things to say
i am very sorry for your loss
Honour you uncle’s wishes- explain that to your parents
Do anything you have to in order to avoid them going with you. Explain that you need the time to yourself to process your grief.
Well done your uncle! if more elderly people did this, then perhaps they would be better looked after in their old age by those who wished you enjoy any chance of an inheritance.
good luck OP.

His sister/ her mother. The mother OP described as a surrendered wife who is dominated by her husband/OP’s father. If that is the case then it would follow that OP’s father would have control of the money, by virtue of having control of his wife.

If your uncle asked you to pass something along to your brother then I would follow his wishes.

if you feel an obligation to share the money within the family, I would put money away for the children to access for educational expenses or towards a mortgage. It’s hard for people to argue with that.

but regardless, make sure you do everything in a way that you don’t get hit with extra taxes. I always think of inheritance money as something that can help build a future so you don’t want to waste any of it.

However much you hand over to them, it won't be enough.

You won't be giving them all of it, that wasn't your Uncles wish or he'd have left it to your Mother as previous wills stated, so it is crystal clear he did not want that.

Any lower figure than 'all of it' will result in endless bitching and griping about how unfair it is, constant requests for more and probably you being disinherited should parents have anything to leave.

Keep it all - if your Uncle only changed his will back in May then he COULD have put your brother in and he chose not to do so, whatever he said to you was likely said so you knew he'd not mind if you shared a little bit, but he hadn't thought through the implications of that.

And avoid this car journey if you can, really no matter how awkward. Or you will be bullied the entire time.

If you have to do it, shut down any question with a stock phrase you can keep repeating 'I can't discuss that at this time, I have other matters to sort out' or 'I will see to it that Uncles last wishes are carried out appropriately'.

I am not convinced that the father being described as 'encouraging his wife not to visit the Uncle' constitutes an overly controlling husband. I don't doubt that he may want some of the money (don't we all?). I Cannot see that exact description of the father (WRT to the mother). Maybe I have missed that exact description.

Surely marriage is about sharing, in some senses.

I think that despite wishes left in the will from the Uncle, that you should do what you feel is morally right OP, and what you feel should have been the outcome.

I don’t agree necessarily with ‘they gave it to you, keep it’. Wills can be extremely divisive, and in this case he wasn’t just passing it on fairly to younger family members, he ignored your brother completely, skipped your mum totally and gave you absolutely everything.

No matter what anyone is saying on this thread. That is bound to hurt your mother and brother. You may feel it is ‘deserved’ as you visited him more in his later years. As a sister I think I would be hurt to be honest. It would be a real kick in the face for any bonds we had as brother and sister. And because that person has gone, she can’t express that to anyone but you. It’s a bit mean of your Uncle really, not to at least have set out the reasons himself, and left something to your mother, even if it was more sentimental.

You need to deal with probate first. Get proper legal advise. The amount you then decide is what you decide. Your uncle wanted you to have the inheritance for a reason. I'm sorry for your loss

I get on relatively well with my brother, so would give him half of any inheritance that I received from a family member. We make similar amounts of effort with family so if he was left out of anything it would be unfair. I believe he would do the same for me. You obviously don't get on so well with him, and he hasn't made much effort with family, so it's tricky. I would say that I would weight up his likely reaction. If you give him less than half, is this going to cause such family arguments so as to ruin your ongoing relationship? If so, I'd weigh up how important the relationship is. If it's important I would just give him half, if it's not important I'd give him nothing to save being 125K down in addition to getting agro. Your parents need to just keep their noses out! They've got no right to start dictating what happens!

Don’t pick them up, don’t take them on Friday. You will treasure every minute of that 7 hour car journey thinking thank god I didn’t let them along!
do you think your mum would actually have split her will evenly? I think as others do that her sense you’d been unfair even if you gave your brother 125k would be could lead her to compensate and cut you out. 50k for your brother but don’t say anything more for months to them. Let it settle and see how you feel. Make sure your family are ok, as you say your young children don’t pay the mortgage.

When I read that your mum expected to inherit I got it. She's crying over herself not you. She cannot erase her brother's will. It's his will. What is strange is that none of your parents are happy for you. Your uncle could have given all of his money to charity. You inherited, and for very good reason, they have to come to term with it. Doing their bidding is factually rewriting history. I would not share OP. For the very fact that it will solve nothing. I will let time pass so that they have a good understanding that you are making the decisions and not anyone else. A token to your brother that would be your decision to make and under no circumstance can your parents have a say on this. And I would not give them anything either as it would not respect your uncle's will and it does not make sense, they don't need it : any penny you give them will go to your brother. I think your uncle was wiser then you think. And I would not expect anything from your parents. You are beginning to see a side of them with the way they treated their direct relative. You are not a cash cow. Make it clear also that you are not going to talk about money that you do not have yet. And never tell them the exact amount you inherited if you can get away with it. Are you sure you have a problem with your brother? I suspect, it's all your parents, and nothing to do with him. Try to salvage the relationship away from them at all cost. I cannot see myself wanting my sibling's money, then when you add your specifics, it's just crazy. All the best OP.