Toxic Inheritance Situation - Please help

[Teentaxidriver]

I am dealing with a situation that I never expected to cope with and it is making me hugely anxious. Any advice would be gratefully received.

My only uncle died about a month ago. He was divorced and childless (his only child unexpectedly died at the beginning of the year). In his will, he named me as his sole beneficiary and executor. My mother (his only sister) and my brother are left out entirely. My parents are FURIOUS and demanding that I give my brother 50%. They also expect to be "involved" in the process of obtaining probate. Every single conversation we have had since his funeral has been dreadful with my dad being petty and passive aggressive and my mother crying (she has form for this basically to get her own way).

I intend to give my brother a share (like £125K) (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant) and also give my parents a lump sum of about £25k. My parents have no need of the money - they own their own home outright and my Dad has a great private pension.

I am normally very close to my parents, in that I am the perfect daughter, dutiful, kind, giving. I was very close to my uncle - saw him regularly, sent him presents at Christmas, phoned him, post-cards when away, emailed him, etc. Honestly I felt sad for him that he was mostly alone and his only child was a bit of a fuck-up.

My brother hasn't seen his uncle for about 20 years. My mother's relationship with my uncle had also definitely declined in the last few years. I think my father encouraged this for reasons to do with jealousy and resentment. At times, when my uncle was very ill, for instance, they refused to travel to where he lived in order to help him. I have been aghast at times by how callous they were.

The estate is probably worth about £550K after tax. The money would be life-changing for us. Pay off a big chunk of our mortgage, have some savings. My husband spent tens of thousands supporting both of his parents and then inherited nothing. My brother's wife has already had an inheritance from an uncle and expects her parents to leave her property.

Sorry for the essay. I didn't want to drip feed. Thoughts much appreciated.

I guess the idea of holding up a mirror to my elderly parents and confronting them with the reality of how they/ my brother behaved is something I am struggling to get my head around.

And you are executor. No need for .anybody else to be involved in the probate. I would talk to a solicitor. Sometimes thing crop up you don't know about. Also it keeps people out of your business. We had a similar inheritance but there was a house involved as well on top of the money. We used the Co op and there were a couple of twists that a solicitor was required for. DO NOT succumb to pressure. The inheritance is yours.

That's so brilliant for Friday @Teentaxidriver! Keep strong and sign nothing. Because as my dear uncle said, once it's gone, it's gone.

Easy to say, not so easy to do, I know, but keep thinking of your uncle and how you are going to do right by him and his last wishes. And your children and their precious future.

So glad the trip is cancelled for your parents. Please do honour your Uncles Will. I know it's hard with all the pressure they're putting on you but think of it like a wage packet of sorts - you're meant to have a wage packet with your name on it. Other people don't get to come along see the envelope and say ' well actually that's a big wage packet, you should split that with Fred Bob and George '
If they have already assumed a whole.load of things about the will and spent it in their own head after your cousin's very sad early death, well, hard cheese. They shouldn't have assumed. Frankly it was tasteless to think that way.

OP you seem like such a kind hearted, warm and caring person. You did so much for both your uncle and his child without expecting anything in return.

Please don't allow others to take advantage of your kind and people pleasing behaviour.

Please consider if your brother had been left the lot - what would he do? Given the lack of care and empathy he showed his uncle I suspect he would keep everything or given you 10K max.

I would give 25k each to your parents and brother. Keep the rest - think of your children and DH and how it could enhance their lives. You deserve all that happiness and goodwill because yiu are a kind person who cared for her uncle when he needed it.

Please don't cave in to entitled, selfish and manipulative family members.

Put the money aside. Tell your family it's being invested for now as interest rates are rising and a fund is being set up for your brother and his DC that he can access in 10 years. Don't give any further Information on specific sums and consult a lawyer / financial planner for advice.

Borrowing wildly, but I reckon your generous thoughtful Uncle is spinning at the merest notion that his sister & nephew get a share of his estate, particularly as he went out his way to write a new Will after the sad loss of his daughter.

It’s there in black & white what he wanted to happen.

A reminder to us all to make sure that we have each made a will & that it is clear what our wishes are.

Your mum is making out she'll give money equally amongst the grand children ..: not a chance and you can't do anything about it if she doesn't.

I think if your uncle intended a large amount to go to either side he would have deff stipulated this.large amounts are too important forget wrong.he would have made sure of that kind of amount.
The fact that he so recently changed it to YOU shows he understood and saw this situation for what it was,is

Look on it as a gift. Your name on the tag. Yours to do with as you wish. Give 10k, 100k or all of it away you won't win. It won't be enough and you will be filled with resentment watching the money being given away. It's a one time thing and prob won't happen again. Use a solicitor and get the money. Then worry about it or just say NO.

I would share it out this is the kind of thing that sours relationships forever.

Seriously?? Do you not think the relationship has already been soured beyond redemption by the grabby responses from OP's family? Some people seem to have very low standards of expected behaviour from family.

but I am a people-pleaser and the idea of "disappointing" my parents fills me with cold hard dread

I mean this kindly OP, but why on earth are you worried about "disappointing" such awful people? They don't appear to be at all concerned about disappointing you - why are they so much more important?

Like onlythreenow says, they aren’t at all concerned about disappointing you. Man up!

In your shoes, I think I would use delaying tactics for as long as possible to take the heat out of the situation- you’re waiting to hear from HMRC, there’s a meeting with the solicitor coming up, you need to speak to the bank etc. Is there a house to be sold? If so that will cause delays , and you can’t discuss until everything is settled, all bills paid out etc.

I’d echo what previous posters have said - ask your parents about their own will arrangements so you can take that into account when taking advice from your solicitor and accountant.

As PP said, it’s usually more effective to leave to younger generations. You can use some of your uncle’s money to set up trust funds for all 4 children, as well as giving an amount to your brother. You will probably be advised not to share with your parents in case it goes for care home fees.

You can use some of your uncle’s money to set up trust funds for all 4 children, as well as giving an amount to your brother

Why would she do that? The OP quite clearly says she needs the money now. Token amount for brother as requested and leave it there.

‘Why would she do that? The OP quite clearly says she needs the money now. Token amount for brother as requested and leave it there.’

OP estimates that the estate after probate, taxes etc, will be £500k-ish.
So, say a £5k early investment drop for each child will not bust the balance & will benefit in due course each of her Uncle’s great nieces/nephews. I think that the extended maturity is a smart move & I should have said not sharing the information as the family seems to have that all too human trait of spending money not yet held. It may have stipulations such as being used for higher education or deposit for a home, or it can just be a gift,

To me, this act of goodwill has a moral & economic advantage.
The children have not ignored or disregarded the Uncle, shown no spite & selfishness, they are not mean players at the time of the gift. It is entirely a gift with no further expectation from the estate - although of course once the money is available it is no longer the Uncle’s, so this would be OP’s generosity.

Had OP a perfect harmonious family & had a sudden significant windfall, then this might be an option anyway. This act can be neutral & independent of the ghastly grabbing rellies & how the large sum of money came about.

But why is it ‘moral’? That suggests there’s some sort of obligation on OP’s part, and there just isn’t. They didn’t spite the uncle, but they had no real relationship with him either. If he’d have wanted to include them he would have.

They’re the children of her parents favoured child, and they’ll likely reap the benefits of that anyway when it comes to inheritance. OP’s responsibility is to her own children, not her brother’s.

@whumpthereitis I agree that there is no absolute moral obligation for the OP to give any monies to any of her relatives.

So maybe I misused the term moral when I wrote about setting up a small investment to benefit each of the Uncle’s great nieces/nephews.

OP mentioned (my uncle told me to give him something but sadly I never had a chance to clarify what that meant). So any gift OP makes to her brother is discretionary. A modest sum invested for each of her brother’s & her own children at the same time seems to me to be reasonable & generous. Of course, OP will make further arrangements for her children.

I agree that given how petty & vindictive OP’s parents are, it is possible that they will write her out of their own wills. All the more reason for OP to use her inheritance wisely now entirely for her own financial security.

Do not allow yourself to be brow beaten.
There is a lot of good advice from the mums on here.
Based on experience, sleep on it. Use delaying tactics.
You sound like a loving & kind considerate niece. Look after yourself & your little family first and foremost.
Block your ears to criticism & manipulation.
Act in haste & repent at leisure. Sleep on it, sleep on every decision. Seek legal advice. You deserve every penny. Well done you.

Why would you go against your uncles last will and Testament , if he wanted to split it equally he would have put it in his will. What’s the point of baking a will if the executor disregards it ?

@Teentaxidriver, stop! Don't give your parents anything! No matter what you give them, it won't be enough and they are going to punish you for anything you give them that is less than what they want. Don't pay off your mortgage either. If you are in the US, spouses cannot claim part of your inheritance if you divorce, provided you don't make it marital funds. I suggest you put the money to the side for now and let things calm down. Don't let people bully you into anything. Your uncle wanted your brother to have some money and I would honor that, although I would only give him $50,000. He didn't visit his uncle in 20 years. He really deserves nothing, but $50,000 is good enough. Your parents treated this uncle poorly. He knew what he was doing. If he wanted them to benefit, he would have made it so. He didn't. Your parents could have forged a closer relationship with him, but they didn't. That's too bad for them now, but I would honor your uncle's wishes and give them nothing. Stop letting your parents hold you emotionally hostage! Their behavior is not right!

I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle. Nothing seems to bring out the worst in people like an inheritance. Your uncle deliberately excluded others from his Will, and specifically mentioned you. Do you want to go against his wishes? It is your choice if you want to give your parents and/or your brother anything at all. There are two ways you could do this. One way would be to make a personal gift to them, i.e. from your inheritance, after probate, so it is a gift from you. Alternatively, see a solicitor for a Deed of Variation, where the terms of the original Will can be changed to include your parents and/or brother.

If you proceed with the estate as it has been specified in the Will, there is a possibility that your parent/brother could challenge it, but I doubt they would be successful as there is no indication they depended on your uncle for support.

I nearly ended up homeless when one of my parents died intestate and a sibling insisted on "their half". When another relative died leaving a Will with more left to the sibling than me, they didn't suggest making it half then... Your uncle knew it would be a tremendous benefit to you and your family, and he made his Will with that in mind. If you do decide to make a gift to your parents and/or brother, bear in mind what they did for your uncle (he obviously did so); a token amount would be sufficient. If your brother is the favoured child, you might find you are not provided for in your parents' Wills anyway. Would they be suggesting the same if your uncle's inheritance was made the other way (favouring your brother rather than you)? My advice is to see a solicitor before you take any action or make a decision.

Your uncle left you the responsibility and the money. It is solely up to you what you do with the money. If you feel an obligation to give your brother some money then do, whatever you give him will not be enough, and he may try to pressure you. Listen to your husband, decide with him, it's important you two are together on this decision. Think of your family first, secure your future first, then think of others.

Don’t do it OP.
I was left some money from a family estate and my DM cried poverty and guilt tripped me into handing over half of it.
I’ve never had a thank you, she acts as if it were all hers by right and she did me a favour by only requesting half of it.
I didn’t realise she’d already been given the lion’s share in the will anyway and pissed it up the wall.
DH’s ‘DM’ also demanded 80% of his inheritance from one of his family members as she needed it to fund her care in old age.
She is now on her fifth holiday of the year and has booked five luxury cruises.

seriously OP, don’t do it. We thought it wouldn’t be worth the fall out but the resentment we feel is horrible and probably worse.

I am in a sumilar position to you OP, in that my siblings have turned very toxic since my mother passed, leaving us jointly 2 houses and a sum of money each.
The cash sum was intended for the IHT bill but my brother has 'invested into long term stocks'
My family (husband, 10yr old son, 6 yr old daughter) are moving from the one house to the other, ostensibly to escape my sister, relocating to Wales. I won't be looking back. Once we have no further financial interests in common I hope to never see either of my siblings again. I often cant look at my phone due to the vicious messages. Nasty unfounded accusations.
They have hounded not only me but my husband also, and when my DS asked her (very bravely!) Why she was making Mommy cry, she reduced him to tears, he ran off and hid in his room. I only found this last bit out recently and it only reinforced my opinion that she is too toxic to keep in my life.
Given my own ongoing experience with this awful situation, I would think your brother and parents won't be satisfied with whatever you do so I would please yourself, cut them off, change your number and enjoy the rest of your life xx

Hi, I'm a foster mum to fur babies and honorary mum to some human creatures. Just browsing at the moment. I came across this site by chance while I was looking up "toxic siblings", which is why I won't be posting under my real name. Enough said...