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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think someone isn’t owed an organ from a sibling?

216 replies

NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:06

I’ve known a few people- weirdly- that have given/received kidneys from other family members over the years.

I think that it is incredibly kind and selfless to do this for another person in need, but think that there’s so much guilt involved and that one person doesn’t owe a kidney, particularly if the recipient is not their own offspring.

I know 2 x people; basics as follows:-

  • R for recipient and D for donor/possible donor. They are siblings, but not close siblings or even really in touch.
  • R is on dialysis and is hoping to get a new kidney in the next year or so.
  • D- a sibling- not a close sibling, has been cited as a possible match. The parents are not able to donate and are hoping that D will “come good”.
  • D thinks that R should offer the kidney like it’s a sweet and that it’s nothing. Also, that is not needed by R. R also isn’t interested in any sort of relationship with D and is happy to take the organ and run.
  • D is- regardless of the relationship- v sympathetic towards this plight- but couldn’t be less interested in risking their life for someone who doesn’t give a fig about them.
  • Sadly, R has kids. D doesn’t but may do so in the future.
  • Everyone thinks “how nice” it would be for R to help their sibling, but wouldn’t dream of offering themselves- friends, family etc.
  • Lastly the most interesting fact is, that D’s partner-father to the kids- is also not keen on being tested and has made up every excuse/reason under the sun to avoid being so. The partner feels that it would be nice for R to help out their sibling- obviously!!
OP posts:
Original poster
NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:08

Got the Rs and Ds mixed up a couple of times! R is recipient and D is Donor!

OP posts:
cansu · 09/08/2022 19:12

Of course the donor has every right to say no. However even though my sibling and I are not super close i think I would still do this for them.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/08/2022 19:13

No one should ever donate an organ unless they are 100% willing to do so. and the transplant teams do counselling so if they detect any reluctance they won't go ahead.

It sounds nice and altruistic, but the reality is that being an organ donor is hard, and there can be serious risks to health, including death, small though that particular risk may be.

People forget that while the recipient may feel better and get healthier almost immediately, the donor has lost an organ and their body will not necessarily recover to the level of health they had before.

I was asked to be a donor some years ago. I said no and never regretted it.

FOJN · 09/08/2022 19:14

I think you've got your D's and R's mixed up at different points. No one owes anyone an organ.

If D wants the pressure ofg they could have a confidential conversation with the living donor team who will have encountered situations like this before and know how to handle things sensitively.

Having the same blood group as a potential recipient is not sufficient to be considered a "match", tissue typing is more complicated than that.The living donor team will usually say a potential donor is not a match if it helps avoid family tension.

XenoBitch · 09/08/2022 19:16

The live donor has to be 100% on board with it all, otherwise the transplant wont go ahead.

YellowPlumbob · 09/08/2022 19:17

Nah, I’ve got 5 siblings and I wouldn’t do it. I have DCs, one of whom I’m the sole parent to, not worth the risk for that reason alone.

I’m also not close to any of them; I think it’s been 4 years since I saw the youngest 3, I’m NC with another and I wouldn’t even do it for the last sibling, who I’m actually close to.

thing47 · 09/08/2022 19:18

Kidney donations are typically worse for the donor than the recipient – logical when you think about it really as the donor is going from 2 down to 1 whereas the recipient is going up from 0 to 1.

It's certainly not nothing, it's a big ask, not because the operation itself is so very risky but because it leaves the donor hostage to a problem of their own in later years. And you are right, no one is owed an organ from a sibling, whatever their relationship.

Hopeandlove · 09/08/2022 19:18

Do you mean the donor is a half sibling or a full sibling who doesn’t know or is estranged from sibling. There is a difference.

surely the donor thought through the possibilities before being tested as a match.

I wish I had done several things prior to the age of 30. I wish I had donated my eggs. I wish I had donated a kidney.

I would do it for a stranger never mind a sibling.

Remainiac · 09/08/2022 19:18

We had a family member who needed a donor. Two of their siblings were suitable, one more than the other. The more suitable sibling said no at the point where the recipient was in the last chance saloon. Less suitable sibling stepped up and the transplant was successful but the family relationships have been extremely difficult ever since.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/08/2022 19:19

I'm with D. I'd do this for my children or grandchildren probably not for a sibling.

Hopeandlove · 09/08/2022 19:19

XenoBitch · 09/08/2022 19:16

The live donor has to be 100% on board with it all, otherwise the transplant wont go ahead.

This. If you don’t want to or have doubts or fear the future or your own health - don’t do it

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/08/2022 19:20

You're right OP. No one is owed anyone else's organs. In that situation as you described, I'd say no. I'm really close to my siblings so I'd do it, but if we weren't, then no, I certainly wouldn't offer. It's always easy for a person to offer another individuals organs.

Vikinga · 09/08/2022 19:21

I would risk it for my siblings definitely. But that is my choice.

SuziLikeSuziQ · 09/08/2022 19:21

An uncle of mine required a kidney. He has 8 brothers and sisters. Not all of his siblings consented to being tested and that is absolutely up to them. My dad ended up being the living donor and, while it generally hasn't affected him, he does take life slower than he used to. But it was 100% his choice, just as it was the choice of those siblings who didn't get tested as a match. It's a big commitment.

While you think you would do anything to help a sibling, the reality of your own life situation (like how close you are to them, your age, if you have kids etc.) is going to affect your decision. No-one should be pressured nor be made to feel bad if they decide not to.

littlepeas · 09/08/2022 19:23

Very tough. I think I would only do it for one of my children, but no one really knows until confronted with the situation.

IHad2NC4this · 09/08/2022 19:24

My brother has 3% kidney function, currently on peritoneal dialysis. Myself and my other brother are going through matching at the moment. Although it's been delayed as my brother in need of the kidney has a potential heart issue that may rule him out for being a recipient.

I love him, but his kidney issues are entirely self induced. I will of course donate if I am suitable, but I'm a little (quietly) resentful that he didn't take care of himself and now me and my other brother are in this situation with him.

He had type 2 diabetes for 20 years and did nothing about it. He's the funniest, most loving, generous man you'll ever meet, it's hard to be annoyed but... here I am.

Anyway. That's how I feel right now. I adore him, I want him to have a healthy happy life, I want him here with us... but, I have small children, I've tried to take care of myself in adulthood and forgo the good life and boozing for yoga and green tea. I feel like I've done my best for myself and my kids, to be healthy... and he... hasn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

IHad2NC4this · 09/08/2022 19:24

For context he's only 45. I'm 33.

Original poster
NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:25

*Do you mean the donor is a half sibling or a full sibling who doesn’t know or is estranged from sibling. There is a difference.

surely the donor thought through the possibilities before being tested as a match.

I wish I had done several things prior to the age of 30. I wish I had donated my eggs. I wish I had donated a kidney.

I would do it for a stranger never mind a sibling.*

You sound like a lovely person, @Hopeandlove, and they are full, not half siblings.

OP posts:
Stevie6 · 09/08/2022 19:27

I have been in this situation and didn't get tested, although I have some different issues of my own so not sure it would have been viable anyway. My other sibling did not get tested either. It's easy to say you would do it in theory, but the practicalities are very different

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/08/2022 19:29

Of course no one owes anyone else an organ. Having seen a friend go through all this and eventually become a donor, I think if I were in a the position of the potential donor, I think I would go through the testing process, find out all the information and if I decided against it, the doctors would fib and say there was a medical reason why it couldn’t happen.

Yorkshirepuddingwithsyrupnotgravy · 09/08/2022 19:30

Being a living donor is a huge operation and massive undertaking. Receiving a kidney is a more straightforward op.
Our family member who donated (under emotional duress from her recipient sibling and parents) hasn't heard from her once close sibling for the last 4 years since the op follow up so feels very bitter about hos itz affected her own health.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/08/2022 19:35

Nope. I was estranged from DB and I'm sole parent to 3 dc. Had he needed this I'm afraid it would've been a hard no. My loyalties (and kidneys) belong to me and/or my kids at a push.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/08/2022 19:37

And just to add to that - I'm putting off a non-urgent operation as long as possible because of the ramifications for my kids if things go wrong. And that's for something I need, so no way would an estranged sibling take precedence!

2bazookas · 09/08/2022 19:37

The hospital looking for live donors for R is responsible for finding the right physical match AND making quite certain the Donor fully understands the implications and has not been subjected to any kind of coercion or family pressure.

Original poster
NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:39

That’s terrible, @Yorkshirepuddingwithsyrupnotgravy - I feel so sorry for the living donor. Basically a similar situation here: damned either way.

No care for the donor if anything goes wrong (and a bit of gratitude, although that’s not what a donor does it for, obvs), then shunned by the family if the donor says no and “condemns the recipient to an early death” if they say no. That was an incredibly long sentence!

OP posts: