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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think someone isn’t owed an organ from a sibling?

216 replies

NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:06

I’ve known a few people- weirdly- that have given/received kidneys from other family members over the years.

I think that it is incredibly kind and selfless to do this for another person in need, but think that there’s so much guilt involved and that one person doesn’t owe a kidney, particularly if the recipient is not their own offspring.

I know 2 x people; basics as follows:-

  • R for recipient and D for donor/possible donor. They are siblings, but not close siblings or even really in touch.
  • R is on dialysis and is hoping to get a new kidney in the next year or so.
  • D- a sibling- not a close sibling, has been cited as a possible match. The parents are not able to donate and are hoping that D will “come good”.
  • D thinks that R should offer the kidney like it’s a sweet and that it’s nothing. Also, that is not needed by R. R also isn’t interested in any sort of relationship with D and is happy to take the organ and run.
  • D is- regardless of the relationship- v sympathetic towards this plight- but couldn’t be less interested in risking their life for someone who doesn’t give a fig about them.
  • Sadly, R has kids. D doesn’t but may do so in the future.
  • Everyone thinks “how nice” it would be for R to help their sibling, but wouldn’t dream of offering themselves- friends, family etc.
  • Lastly the most interesting fact is, that D’s partner-father to the kids- is also not keen on being tested and has made up every excuse/reason under the sun to avoid being so. The partner feels that it would be nice for R to help out their sibling- obviously!!
OP posts:
BadNomad · 09/08/2022 21:40

I would never ask a relative to donate, nor accept if they offered. I couldn't live with the guilt if they died during the op, or if the organ failed to work, or suffered in the future. In the OP's scenario, the siblings aren't even close. Being related to someone does not mean they are there to harvest organs from.

brightgreendoubledeckerbus · 09/08/2022 21:45

Donor and recipient teams are 2 completely different teams. If the donor wanted to get the recipient off their case then they can ask the transplant co-ordinator to tell the recipient that they are not a match. The recipient won't be told anything over and above that.

Either that or get the donor to tell the recipient they have a duplex kidney or a horseshoe kidney.

LisaD1 · 09/08/2022 21:46

I have 3 siblings, I am NC with 2 of them and it would be a cold day in hell before they got anything from me let alone an organ. I’m close to my brother, if he needed it and I could I’d like to think I would. In reality I’ve lung damage myself and I don’t know that giving away another organ would be the brightest idea- i would have to very carefully consider the risks but I would absolutely want to help him.

Candleabra · 09/08/2022 21:48

HalfBloodPrincess · 09/08/2022 19:47

I’ve always thought I’d say yes if asked to donate to a sibling. But thinking about it, I’d say no - for the simple reason that one of my children might need it in the future.

I think this too.
I like to think I would donate to a sibling without question but if it came to the crunch I don’t think I would.

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 21:50

NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:43

I think another worry for D- @2bazookas - is that the renal team would only have the best interests of the recipient’s health, wellbeing and outcome. That they would rush everything through for the patient they know and have a bond with. That they almost grab the organ and heroically save R, then to hell with D and their recovery.

I won’t say more as I don’t want to sound like a daft paranoid conspiracy theorist (not that all conspiracy theorists daft!).

So much misinformation on this thread.

This is just an example. In truth, the potential living donor has their own medical and surgical team. There is no conflict of interest. The donor goes through robust health checks and residual risks are minimal.

I've been tested to be a live donor. Sadly not a match for my intended recipient. I have been well looked after along the way and have been reassured that I could back out any time for any reason.

My honest view of D&R above is that D should step up to the plate as a brother and as a human being. He can save a life, why wouldn't you. It's a straightforward keyhole operation, NHS will cover lost earnings. It's easy to blow out of all proportion something which actually happens week in week out all over the country.

thing47 · 09/08/2022 21:52

DH has been on transplant 'list' for 3 years, so a little while. His sibling isn't interested in being a donor for reasons of their own. They're still close, though, meet up regularly, and it hasn't affected their relationship because DH isn't a dick.

parietal · 09/08/2022 21:53

SeemsSoUnfair · 09/08/2022 19:49

The least D should do is to discuss with the renal/transplant team the reality of being a donor so they are fully informed. If they decide not to go for it, which they have every right too, the doctors will just say tests (which includes D accepting all the risks) have shown they are not a suitable match. This is the least stressful and best solution for both D and R.

this is a good solution

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 21:53

BadNomad · 09/08/2022 21:40

I would never ask a relative to donate, nor accept if they offered. I couldn't live with the guilt if they died during the op, or if the organ failed to work, or suffered in the future. In the OP's scenario, the siblings aren't even close. Being related to someone does not mean they are there to harvest organs from.

This is like those people who are perfect parents before they have children.

Until you've walked the walk you have no idea what you would do or feel.

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 21:56

thing47 · 09/08/2022 21:52

DH has been on transplant 'list' for 3 years, so a little while. His sibling isn't interested in being a donor for reasons of their own. They're still close, though, meet up regularly, and it hasn't affected their relationship because DH isn't a dick.

All credit to your DH. Can I ask how you feel about it? Feel free to PM if you prefer.

My DH has been on dialysis for 2.5 years. His brother won't donate and I struggle with it (probably more than DH does)

WhoMe231 · 09/08/2022 21:58

There was an article in the paper a few years ago, a girl (around 22 years old) gave her boyfriend her kidney…whilst she was recovering in hospital he cheated on her 😱 She said she is so angry to know her kidney is still out there in the world and she can’t use it. Made me seriously reconsider EVER donating anything of mine!

Strokethefurrywall · 09/08/2022 22:00

I would absolutely give a kidney for my sister but that's because I love her, she is one of my best friends and the other piece of my heart.

I would also want to because we lost our younger brother to cancer and I couldn't let my parents (or me) go through that heartbreak again. Other than my children, she's the only person I would donate to.

But if we weren't close, or were estranged? Not a cats chance in hell.

BadNomad · 09/08/2022 22:01

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 21:53

This is like those people who are perfect parents before they have children.

Until you've walked the walk you have no idea what you would do or feel.

Show quote history

Excuse me? I have kidney failure. I'm not at the stage of needing a transplant yet, but it is something I do have to consider so actually I do know how I feel. I will not take a kidney from a relative. But you go ahead and allow people you love risk their life for you. Clearly you are much more important to the world than I am.

Elsiebear90 · 09/08/2022 22:04

My cousin needed a kidney transplant, her sister was a good match, but the transplant team refused to accept her as a donor because she hadn’t had children yet. Her parents were tested as well, her mum was a match, but not as good as they would have liked and her dad wasn’t. She got her donor kidneys from a deceased donor in the end who was perfect match and her kidneys are still working very well twenty years later.

Seeing what she went through and how ill she was when she had kidney failure I would definitely do this for a close relative. No one wants to give up an organ, but if it comes down to someone you love dying then I think that changes most people’s minds.

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 22:05

@BadNomad I'm a potential donor not a recipient. No one will be risking their life for me thanks.

Sorry to hear you have kidney failure. But I would still say don't be too vocal about rejecting a live donor outright. Dialysis is tough, very tough. You don't know how you will feel if you get to that point, it would be a big favour to yourself if you can give yourself the mental bandwidth to consider changing your stance on live donation if the situation occurs.

MichelleScarn · 09/08/2022 22:07

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 21:56

All credit to your DH. Can I ask how you feel about it? Feel free to PM if you prefer.

My DH has been on dialysis for 2.5 years. His brother won't donate and I struggle with it (probably more than DH does)

Show quote history

@renallychallenged have you looked at that donor thing where you would offer your kidney to someone who was a match when someone I their family would match your DH?

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 22:08

Yes @MichelleScarn I'm a pro at all these things. No matches yet. Thanks for asking

Sartre · 09/08/2022 22:10

I’d do this for my DC but that’s honestly it, I wouldn’t be willing to risk my life and long term health for anyone else. I have one brother and we aren’t close at all, not that I think he’s a bad person or hold any grudge but I left home when he was ten so we just haven’t had much in the way of a relationship tbh.

I wouldn’t judge anyone for not wanting to donate an organ, it’s a huge decision.

CharlotteSt · 09/08/2022 22:11

LeavesOnTrees · 09/08/2022 19:42

Wouldn't D potentially wanting children at some point rule her out anyway (assuming D is a she) ?

Yes this. As I understand it, they won't take a kidney from a woman who hasn't had children yet.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/08/2022 22:12

In the situation you describe D shouldn't feel forced to give away a kidney, the pressure of feeling that their life is your in your hands is awful.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/08/2022 22:12

Blood, marrow, a kidney, half my liver, anything i can spare i'd 100% donate to my dad or my sister without hesitation. We're close, neither have children, and she never will, i'm incredibly unlikely to ever have one. We lost our mum young, and were basically abandonned by all mums family afterwards as we both had/have severe OCD and weren't "normal" enough for them. Dads family have never been close, he rarely hears from them, i never do, and dad is carer to both of us. As far as family goes i'd say we're as close as possible, and would all do it for eachother.
The only other people i would even consider live donation to, is my boyfriend or his little boy. Of course that would require a lot of thought as i know he could walk away at any time afterwards, so it would have to be a situation where it was last resort and can't wait on regular list.

Once i'm gone they can have everything though, even the bits like my corneas and skin that some donors list as an exception. Even a limb if need be.

thing47 · 09/08/2022 22:16

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 21:56

All credit to your DH. Can I ask how you feel about it? Feel free to PM if you prefer.

My DH has been on dialysis for 2.5 years. His brother won't donate and I struggle with it (probably more than DH does)

Show quote history

Interesting question. Sibling's reasons not to want to wouldn't be sufficient reasons for me to take into account, but I can see they are absolutely heartfelt for sibling so I think you have to respect that.

The whole issue is complicated though, isn't it? DH definitely struggles with the idea that someone has to die for him to live (ultimately, not quite at that stage yet!). Also our DCs are grown up and independent – albeit living at home – and I do think that makes a difference. It must be really hard to be in organ failure when you still have young DCs.

Crochetandcoke · 09/08/2022 22:19

I'm a single parent (no input at all from dad) so until my kids are grown I would probably have to say no to my sibling, sounds horrible, but what if I tried to do something altruistic and something went wrong and ended up leaving my kids without a parent?

whumpthereitis · 09/08/2022 22:20

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 21:50

So much misinformation on this thread.

This is just an example. In truth, the potential living donor has their own medical and surgical team. There is no conflict of interest. The donor goes through robust health checks and residual risks are minimal.

I've been tested to be a live donor. Sadly not a match for my intended recipient. I have been well looked after along the way and have been reassured that I could back out any time for any reason.

My honest view of D&R above is that D should step up to the plate as a brother and as a human being. He can save a life, why wouldn't you. It's a straightforward keyhole operation, NHS will cover lost earnings. It's easy to blow out of all proportion something which actually happens week in week out all over the country.

Show quote history

Because being a live donor can have serious ramifications, in both the short and long term. No one has a moral plate to step up to here, because choosing not to be a live donor is not a failing.

Donation should be something offered freely. No one should be bullied and emotionally blackmailed into it. No one is obliged to provide organs to anyone else, no matter their relationship.

renallychallenged · 09/08/2022 22:21

@thing47 very complicated yes. Our DC are young, I get upset that they are missing out on so much when "someone" could fix it. But thems the breaks I guess.

GU24Mum · 09/08/2022 22:25

We knew someone when one of my children was just at school who donated for a parent and the operation went very badly wrong, very nearly fatally. The recipient was fine; the donor ended up needing a transplant because of the surgery issues.

I'd do it for one of my children but no one else.