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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think someone isn’t owed an organ from a sibling?

216 replies

NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:06

I’ve known a few people- weirdly- that have given/received kidneys from other family members over the years.

I think that it is incredibly kind and selfless to do this for another person in need, but think that there’s so much guilt involved and that one person doesn’t owe a kidney, particularly if the recipient is not their own offspring.

I know 2 x people; basics as follows:-

  • R for recipient and D for donor/possible donor. They are siblings, but not close siblings or even really in touch.
  • R is on dialysis and is hoping to get a new kidney in the next year or so.
  • D- a sibling- not a close sibling, has been cited as a possible match. The parents are not able to donate and are hoping that D will “come good”.
  • D thinks that R should offer the kidney like it’s a sweet and that it’s nothing. Also, that is not needed by R. R also isn’t interested in any sort of relationship with D and is happy to take the organ and run.
  • D is- regardless of the relationship- v sympathetic towards this plight- but couldn’t be less interested in risking their life for someone who doesn’t give a fig about them.
  • Sadly, R has kids. D doesn’t but may do so in the future.
  • Everyone thinks “how nice” it would be for R to help their sibling, but wouldn’t dream of offering themselves- friends, family etc.
  • Lastly the most interesting fact is, that D’s partner-father to the kids- is also not keen on being tested and has made up every excuse/reason under the sun to avoid being so. The partner feels that it would be nice for R to help out their sibling- obviously!!
OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 11/08/2022 19:45

I think it's hard to imagine not giving a kidney if you're close to your family, I just couldn't imagine letting someone die rather than donating a kidney if I was a match. However I guess some people are basically strangers with their relatives so I suppose it isn't the same. If my immediate family were in agreement I'd donate a kidney to my close friends also, they are like family to me.

mbosnz · 11/08/2022 19:50

I think the crux of the matter is that it is a very personal decision, and not one to be made lightly. A huge raft of factors may impact that decision. It is entirely up to the individual, and if a person decides not to donate, that is a perfectly valid decision that ought to be respected and accepted - and the individual should not be pressured or vilified for declining to do so.

RagingWoke · 11/08/2022 19:58

Live donation is a huge decision, and I agree OP the idea a persons life is worth less because they don't have dc is abhorrent.
The attitude shown toward D is disgusting, even with a better relationship and no coercion the decision is entirely down to them and there is no shame or guilt in not wanting to volunteer for life changing surgery.

I'm sure those claiming a parents life is worth more are the same who would 'die for their dc' so the argument feels flawed.

BreadInCaptivity · 11/08/2022 20:09

How a child can willingly say I'd rather my father die than give an organ

Which is exactly why a child should never be asked by a parent in the first place.

Carofay · 11/08/2022 20:12

I don't know if you are being unreasonable or not. I can only tell you how I feel. My sister is disabled, has complex needs and has had one kidney removed. I do some of her care but don't always get on with her as she can be a difficult character. When she had the kidney removed due to early stage kidney cancer, I instantly said that I would donate one of mine to her if anything happened to her other kidney. My mum was alive at the time and told me that I should not do so as I was 'whole'. Odd pov given my sister was always the favourite GC. As it turns out, it isn't an issue as I am a different blood group to my sister and therefore not a match.

It's a big decision as it involves surgery but I couldn't let a sibling die if I could do something to prevent it.

Spaceprincess · 11/08/2022 20:16

It's nothing to do with anyone apart from the prospective donor/recipient.
D needs to talk to the donor team, anyone who isn't 100% behind it all for whatever reason isn't a match. They are used to this.
And that should be the end if it.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/08/2022 20:40

BreadInCaptivity · 11/08/2022 20:09

How a child can willingly say I'd rather my father die than give an organ

Which is exactly why a child should never be asked by a parent in the first place.

Totally agree.

ChsmpagneWannaBe · 11/08/2022 20:42

Absolutely not. Your body your life.
F off with your kidney donation
If they had a relationship different story.

Carofay · 11/08/2022 20:58

Having re-read your post, I don't think you are BU. There is no relationship between R and D, they are essentially strangers and this is a big ask of a stranger. The fact that R has children is irrelevant: her choice, her responsibility and nobody else's. Partner needs to get tested as a potential match.

thing47 · 11/08/2022 22:38

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:24

How anyone can refuse is beyond me

How a child can willingly say I'd rather my father die than give an organ

Show quote history

But turn this around and what sort of father would ask one of his children for a kidney? Do people really do this!!?

As I said upthread there's not a snowball's chance in hell that DH would consider a kidney donation from one of his children. In all the years we've been dealing with this, that is not a conversation which has ever taken place and if it did, he would shut it down instantly.

Cadot · 12/08/2022 01:02

Immediate risks of kidney donation:

•	Pain
•	Infection (such as pneumonia or wound infection)
•	Blood clot
•	Reaction to anesthesia
•	Death (Worldwide mortality rate for living kidney donors is 0.03% to 0.06%)
•	Conversion to open nephrectomy
•	Need for re-operation (such as for bleeding)
•	Re-admission to hospital
•	Hernia
•	Intestinal obstruction
•	Testicular swelling and discomfort (male donors)

Long term complications:

•	Developing a disease that could affect the function of the remaining kidney such as:
◦	Diabetes
◦	High blood pressure
◦	Obesity 
•	Natural decline in kidney function as get older
•	Developing end-stage renal disease (ESRD) 
•	Increase in the amount of protein spilled into the urine
•	Chronic pain
•	Nerve damage

I would never allow my child to give me their kidney and face those health risks.

It's not a cure. Average kidney transplant lasts 10-12 years apparently. I'd rather die 10 years early and allow my child to live a long, healthy life.

There are serious restrictions - no contact sports, have to be really careful not to damage the remaining kidney, lifetime health follow ups and risks of poor health outcomes etc. I wouldn't want my brother or husband to take those risks for me, either. The only people I would possibly accept it from would be my parents, because of the level of sacrifice involved.

I risked my life to bring my children into the world and I would risk it again (or give it up) to extend their lives, but not for anyone else.

DoIDareSayAnything · 12/08/2022 02:09

It would be a cold day in hell before I (or my DH) took an organ from either of our children.

Tinkity · 12/08/2022 03:26

PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:24

How anyone can refuse is beyond me

How a child can willingly say I'd rather my father die than give an organ

Show quote history

And what kind of father would pressure their own child to do this? I think that’s quite telling.

My dad needed a kidney and since we are a family of 9, my siblings and I were all confident one of us would be a match but our dad point blank refused to even let us get tested, he said there was no point wasting resources because hell would have to freeze over before he would accept a kidney from one of us and our mum was no help as she was in absolute agreement with him. We suggested getting tested so we could get the lay of the land and then discuss options but he was not having any of it. I’ve never seen him more deadly serious about anything in my entire life and not once did his conviction ever waiver no matter what he was going through.

autienotnaughty · 12/08/2022 05:22

Very emotive topic and thankfully not one most of us face. I would say there's a valid point if you have dependent children, there's more of a responsibility to protect your own health so not to leave a child without a parent. I can also see that a adult without children may feel a increased pressure to help an adult with children. My dsis doesn't have children if she needed an organ I would be reluctant as I have a disabled ds who needs me. However I really hope if I need an organ she would help!!

If the donor say no it will likely damage the relationship with donors family. And (with no judgment) how would they feel if their brother dies? Not easy at all.

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 07:21

DoIDareSayAnything · 12/08/2022 02:09

It would be a cold day in hell before I (or my DH) took an organ from either of our children.

So you'd rather they grow up without a parent?

Christ

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 07:22

@thing47

Also it's not usually a case of asking

All viable adults will get letters for testing

If they are a match they will be presented with the options

As the closest relatives children will always be top of the possible match lists

MichelleScarn · 12/08/2022 08:17

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 07:22

@thing47

Also it's not usually a case of asking

All viable adults will get letters for testing

If they are a match they will be presented with the options

As the closest relatives children will always be top of the possible match lists

They'll get a letter before they are asked?

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 08:19

@MichelleScarn

Depending on how urgent the donation is required yes.

Sometimes people don't have the luxury of canvassing for organs

dottiedodah · 12/08/2022 08:23

I think this is a lot to put on someone .you are effectively risking your own health here.i understand it but yes you should say no and not feel guilty

thing47 · 12/08/2022 08:41

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 07:22

@thing47

Also it's not usually a case of asking

All viable adults will get letters for testing

If they are a match they will be presented with the options

As the closest relatives children will always be top of the possible match lists

That definitely has not happened here.

And without wanting to be too outing, DH is under the direct care of the head of renal at a hospital everyone would have heard of.

whumpthereitis · 12/08/2022 08:46

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 07:21

So you'd rather they grow up without a parent?

Christ

Show quote history

Children can’t be live organ donors. Any ‘growing up’ would have to have been done before any pestering for an organ could commence.

Thankfully, because no one should be able to strong arm anyone they have power over into giving organs. Or indeed, strong arm anyone.

Changechangychange · 12/08/2022 20:01

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 07:22

@thing47

Also it's not usually a case of asking

All viable adults will get letters for testing

If they are a match they will be presented with the options

As the closest relatives children will always be top of the possible match lists

Please don’t make stuff up if you have no idea what you are talking about.

Legally, in the UK, we cannot approach potential donors - they have to come forwards themselves. Even the recipient can’t make contact on their behalf, we can give out our live donor team contact details, but they have to contact us themselves, off their own back, to arrange testing.

And we do the health questionnaire first, before checking if they are a match. No point in proceeding with expensive HLA testing if they are hypertensive or diabetic, or a woman who hasn’t completed her family.

Very unlikely we would go for an adult child in the first instance - siblings, spouses or parents would be preferred assuming all else is equal.

Changechangychange · 12/08/2022 20:06

Unless you are talking about bone marrow donation, in which case people who have already volunteered to be on the bone marrow donation register not complete randoms will be approached if a match comes up, which is very different to sending letters out to all of a dialysis patient’s living relatives asking them for their kidneys, which is what we are talking about here.

MichelleScarn · 12/08/2022 20:08

@Changechangychange I think that poster may have been a tad disingenuous.... lots of vitriol across v emotive threads!

thing47 · 12/08/2022 21:31

@Changechangychange the way you have done the quote above makes it look like I agree with @PastaCheese so just to clarify I 100% do not!

Of course people aren't sent letters about testing, it's absolute nonsense.