To think someone isn’t owed an organ from a sibling?

[NellesVilla]

I’ve known a few people- weirdly- that have given/received kidneys from other family members over the years.

I think that it is incredibly kind and selfless to do this for another person in need, but think that there’s so much guilt involved and that one person doesn’t owe a kidney, particularly if the recipient is not their own offspring.

I know 2 x people; basics as follows:-

• R for recipient and D for donor/possible donor. They are siblings, but not close siblings or even really in touch.
• R is on dialysis and is hoping to get a new kidney in the next year or so.
• D- a sibling- not a close sibling, has been cited as a possible match. The parents are not able to donate and are hoping that D will “come good”.
• D thinks that R should offer the kidney like it’s a sweet and that it’s nothing. Also, that is not needed by R. R also isn’t interested in any sort of relationship with D and is happy to take the organ and run.
• D is- regardless of the relationship- v sympathetic towards this plight- but couldn’t be less interested in risking their life for someone who doesn’t give a fig about them.
• Sadly, R has kids. D doesn’t but may do so in the future.
• Everyone thinks “how nice” it would be for R to help their sibling, but wouldn’t dream of offering themselves- friends, family etc.
• Lastly the most interesting fact is, that D’s partner-father to the kids- is also not keen on being tested and has made up every excuse/reason under the sun to avoid being so. The partner feels that it would be nice for R to help out their sibling- obviously!!

I would definitely donate to my sister if she needed it, but I highly doubt I would if we were actually estranged.
My mum donated her kidney to her brother about 4 years ago with no adverse affects. But she fully wanted to do it. Both her and her sister were a match, 1 brother wasn't and the other brother didn't get tested (which everyone thought was quite selfish at the time but hey ho)
They decided it would be my mum because her sister didn't have home support for afterwards.
My mum and my uncle are definitely closer now than they were before the donation.

Donor has every right to say no. But if they weren't close before they definitely won't be after that.
Can understand why spouse of recipient is resistant to getting tested too. In that position, faced with things going wrong, you'd potentially end up with dc losing both parents. Not a risk I'd be willing to take if there was an alternative.

Wouldn't D potentially wanting children at some point rule her out anyway (assuming D is a she) ?

I think another worry for D- @2bazookas - is that the renal team would only have the best interests of the recipient’s health, wellbeing and outcome. That they would rush everything through for the patient they know and have a bond with. That they almost grab the organ and heroically save R, then to hell with D and their recovery.

I won’t say more as I don’t want to sound like a daft paranoid conspiracy theorist (not that all conspiracy theorists daft!).

I would've given my only sibling anything I could to help him live.

I couldn't and he didn't and it's bloody heartbreaking.

I’ve always thought I’d say yes if asked to donate to a sibling. But thinking about it, I’d say no - for the simple reason that one of my children might need it in the future.

The least D should do is to discuss with the renal/transplant team the reality of being a donor so they are fully informed. If they decide not to go for it, which they have every right too, the doctors will just say tests (which includes D accepting all the risks) have shown they are not a suitable match. This is the least stressful and best solution for both D and R.

They will be on the list for a stranger donation (which obviously requires someone to die) but maybe it best they wait for that. I would personally keep mine for my children and not feel guilty about it.

Such a hard situation.

My (ex) MIL had kidney failure and told ex she would never take a kidney from him as he had DS to think of. I'd give one to my brother if I didn't have children, I'm not sure what I'd do now that I do. You never know what's round the corner - a friend in her early 30s has recently had a kidney removed. I'm not super close with my brother but just through busy lives, we do love each other. I don't think I'd do it for a sibling who I barely spoke to. I do get that being incredibly ill and having kids is going to make you feel like quite desperate so don't exactly blame R for coming over a bit entitled but at least make an effort in the sibling relationship in exchange for such a potential huge favour.

Just need to respond to this - that really is daft and totally untrue. I know from first hand experience that with living donations there are two transplant teams. One advocates for the recipient and one for the potential donor. We were basically told (while immediate family member was being assessed to donate to one of our DC) by living donor team 'our concern isn't your child, it is the donor.' They would never put someone forward if their best interests hadn't been fully considered. They wouldn't even speed up our assessment process, even though we were desperate for them to. So please relay to 'D', if they do decide to go forward for assessment, that this would never happen.

(Thankfully, our DC got the transplant they needed, btw. It was living donation, it was a long and hard recovery for the donor, but it was something that they would do again in a heartbeat)

I would have given anything to save my sister, it wasn't a choice available to us sadly.

However I do acknowledge that we were close and I know 100% that she would feel exactly the same way about me or her nieces/nephews.

I wouldn't jeopardise my health for someone that doesn't like or respect me irrespective of the blood relationship.

I was under the impression that you could go for assessment and, if you asked, they would declare that you were not a suitable match regardless of the result. In other words, no falling out with family and no coerced donation.

I’ve been D in this exact scenario. Nobody can say how they’d feel or what they’d do if they aren’t actually having to make the decision. Feel free to PM me if you want, OP.

I have worked as a transplant coordinator, not live donor but I interacted with the live donor team and transplant surgeons everyday and you can rest assured this does not happen. Remember that there are huge risks involved in donating a kidney so those involved take the health and well being of the donor very seriously.

The team accept that some patients will not survive long enough to receive a transplant, it is a sad fact of life in any healthcare speciality but to undertake surgery on a healthy person for the benefit of another and for them to die is devastating. No one wants that on their conscience. It's hard enough for the surgeons if the recipient doesn't survive surgery but those patients need that surgery, donors do not.

I cannot emphasise enough how seriously transplant teams take the health of the donor and they never ever judge anyone who does not want to donate to a family member.

Why? Are the family angry that the first sibling didn't want to go through with it? That's very sad and shows they probably made the right decision if so. I would definitely be extremely hurt and feel very 'lesser' in the family.

Thanks @LoobyDop and @FOJN .

And @MichelleScarn , I agree with you. That’s tragic about the donor pulling out last second for all involved, but for the best. What if they had gone through the op- under duress- for it not to work?

I don't think I would, my children need me more.
I wouldn't also expect my siblings to either.

I'd without hesitation help my children or my husband.

I am estranged from my sibling. If they called asking for a transplant I'd say no. They haven't treated me kindly so why should I return it. I am an organ donor however and once I'm kaput they're welcome to strip me down to nothingness. I'm not going to use them anymore.

I'd do it for the brother I'm closest to. Not the rest of my siblings as we aren't close.

Whether or not they have children is no consideration to me. The brother I would do anything for doesn't. The other three siblings do - but no, they wouldn't get my kidney.

I would prioritise my own DC over a sibling. But if I hadn’t already had DC, then I’m not sure what I’d do.

Donor has every right to say no. Personally I’d donate to my mum or future kids and that’s it. I have a brother but we aren’t connected so I wouldn’t .

Sadly, I wouldn't. My sibling has shown many times that they don't give a shit about me and I'd hang on to my kidney in case one of my kids needed it

Under no circumstances would I give an organ to someone who did not give a shit about me. I am happy to give blood and marrow, but an organ is a different matter. And I'd also refuse for someone who had caused their own problem, like donating part of my liver to someone who destroyed theirs through alcohol abuse.

Just ask the transplant team to lie and say they aren't a match. Job done.

I think I would donate to any of my siblings. But they all look after themselves. I'm not sure though, I kind of feel like I need to reserve them incase DS needs them 🤣 I'd give him my heart if he needed one.

I wouldn't judge anyone for not wanting to give anyone except their child their organ. I could never understand someone choosing their own health over their child's. But a sibling that doesn't care about you (and probably wouldn't have donated if the shoe was on the other foot) nah.