To think someone isn’t owed an organ from a sibling?

[NellesVilla]

I’ve known a few people- weirdly- that have given/received kidneys from other family members over the years.

I think that it is incredibly kind and selfless to do this for another person in need, but think that there’s so much guilt involved and that one person doesn’t owe a kidney, particularly if the recipient is not their own offspring.

I know 2 x people; basics as follows:-

• R for recipient and D for donor/possible donor. They are siblings, but not close siblings or even really in touch.
• R is on dialysis and is hoping to get a new kidney in the next year or so.
• D- a sibling- not a close sibling, has been cited as a possible match. The parents are not able to donate and are hoping that D will “come good”.
• D thinks that R should offer the kidney like it’s a sweet and that it’s nothing. Also, that is not needed by R. R also isn’t interested in any sort of relationship with D and is happy to take the organ and run.
• D is- regardless of the relationship- v sympathetic towards this plight- but couldn’t be less interested in risking their life for someone who doesn’t give a fig about them.
• Sadly, R has kids. D doesn’t but may do so in the future.
• Everyone thinks “how nice” it would be for R to help their sibling, but wouldn’t dream of offering themselves- friends, family etc.
• Lastly the most interesting fact is, that D’s partner-father to the kids- is also not keen on being tested and has made up every excuse/reason under the sun to avoid being so. The partner feels that it would be nice for R to help out their sibling- obviously!!

Is she very old?
It's just odd that her parents didn't do IVF with the testing to ensure the baby conceived would be a genetic match to the sibling.

Putting morale aside for a second, a "saviour baby" is usually IVF to ensure a match. Did they just conceive a child normally and hope for the best?

If you're selfish enough to have a child to use for parts then surely you wouldn't be morally against genetic selection.

I had Acute renal failure last year and after some dialysis thankfully I recovered however it was said that if I didn't I'd be looking at a transplant - at the lowest I had 3% function.

I have a DB who has kids and would have tested like a shot, however I don't have kids and I wouldn't have let him be tested. What if my DNephew and DNeice needed it at some point? What if it adversely affected his health and therefore his role as an active parent? I'd never have forgiven myself. They'd cope with loosing an Aunt, less so with a poorly Dad or one who god forbid was no longer around.

Hi @WeAreBob !

Tbh, I’ve confused myself a tad with regards to D and R. D- Donor/potential donor and R- recipient/hopeful recipient.

R has kids and a partner. Will need a kidney. Expects sibling to hand one over if they’re a “decent” person but is lc with sibling and doesn’t give a toss about sibling and is only in touch to ensure they will be tested for them. They think it the “least” the sibling could do.

D has no children, but may want them one day. They are in fairly good health so expected to hand over a kidney. As above, doesn’t like sibling and doesn’t feel they should be expected to undergo a bit procedure for someone who doesn’t give a crap about them and would basically take the organ and run.

The people who are telling her it's "nothing" to donate should be the ones giving their own kidney, or if they are not a match then signing up for paired kidney exchanges.

But why is someone without kids less important than a parent, @PieonaBarm ? I get that parents don’t want to leave their kids orphans (I’m childfree by choice and I still understand this), but I also keep hearing irl that childfree people have less to lose, which also indicates that they are less important/useful to society.

I- not just in here- keep hearing that people with children would accept a kidney off a childfree person but wouldn’t be tested for that childfree person because of the “kids”.

Maybe I just know a bunch of unfeeling people as I don’t think saying “you’re so selfish” to someone who is terrified of donating and for it to go wrong, is a bad person.

To be fair, you have described the donor in this situation as having the ridiculous belief that medical professionals will give no thought to her welfare because all they’re want is to take a kidney. If someone can’t even be bothered to find out the facts when they are faced with this situation, it does come across a bit selfish.

There is a world of difference between refusing to even think about it, and going through the testing, finding out all the information and then making a rational choice not to donate.

Nobody OWES anybody a kidney, it's a gift and gifts are given freely and because the donor wants to. No other reason. If emotional blackmail is going on - as it seems - the donor would be entirely within their rights to tell the whole lot of them to fuck off. IMHO.

I'm pretty sure this was the plot line of a film & book

I have two brothers. Would i do it for them. Not a chance.

There are 3 people on this planet i would do it for without a seconds negative thought. My 2 kids and my partner.

Sorry, they are the ONLY people i will risk my life for.

I wouldn't risk my health for my siblings. Kids, husband, I think it's different. But relationship with siblings can be very fucked up and no one should feel obliged to do it.

I think I have already made my thoughts clear on this despite DH being on the transplant list, and there's no 'owing' here, but @ClocksGoingBackwards does raise a valid point.

The donor in the OP doesn't really seem to know what they are talking about, and can't properly risk assess – the mortality rate for kidney donation is tiny and the vast majority of complications are short term. In fact, kidney donors have a longer life expectancy! Counter-intuitive, I know, but probably down to the fact that they have to be in above-average health in the first place.

Not wanting to donate a kidney is absolutely fine, and every individual's right, but please make the decision based on an informed opinion rather than incorrect beliefs.

I would for my sibling but it all depends on your relationship really doesn't it.

I know a child who died of lukemia while the whole paternal side of their family stood by refusing to even be tested as a bone marrow match. Not even their father. That I find absolutely tragic and shocking.

They're not, and it's an argument I often have at work over school holiday leave, it's just my perspective on my personal circumstances, everyone is different, and everyone feels differently. If I were in the situation you describe not a chance I'd donate. But for my brother, I would, but we have a different relationship. I just wouldn't let him do it for me for the reasons I've explained - which are my thoughts and feelings about my family.

People should do what's right for them in this kind of situation. No one is the same. It's as simple as that!

Agree with this.

Either D in this scenario doesn't actually know the details of what would / wouldn't happen, or he hasn't conveyed them to the OP properly. Perhaps on purpose, perhaps not.

If he hasn't bothered to find out the details and make an informed opinion, preferring to believe & peddle scare stories, he is BU.

If he has done proper research and spoken to transplant nurses and still decided not to donate then he is NBU (but could still be better at communicating so doesn't put others off unnecessarily)

But if she knows she doesn’t want to donate, and doesn’t intend to, why does she need to do ‘proper research’?

She doesn’t owe that to anyone any more than she owes a kidney.

I’ve known three people who received kidneys. None of them made what I would describe as a full recovery, in that they did not have the physical or mental health that you would expect of someone of their age . Transplants may save a life, but they are not a panacea.

Oh God. This is very sad. Especially that it carries very minimal risk for donor. It's not giving your kidney FFS. How come his dad refused?

"My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. I was thinking this all the time I was reading the replies.

And D is correct. They shouldn't have to hand over an organ to someone who makes absolutely no effort with them. Hell, even if they did make an effort, D still doesn't have to hand over the organ! It's a very selfish person to demand someone else's organ like it's nothing.

I'd be so pissed off if I was that girl's mother.
Imagine raising your little girl and sacrificing so much, and then she, barely an adult, donates an effing kidney to a boyfriend! Not her husband of 10 years who she has kids with, but some boyfriend who cheats on her! 😡

That's horrible. Imagine having a baby with the purpose of taking her organ.
Poor girl.

I just checked the Aussie legislation re kids donating organs. (Fortunately) Kids can sign up to the organ donation registry but they can’t donate until they are legally adult at 18. Must have been bone marrow.

I have two siblings. One is incredibly poorly at the moment and I would definitely give a kidney if it made
them better. As far as the other sibling is concerned ... no chance!

@tootiredforanything… I have a few relatives for whom I wouldn’t think twice about donating an organ… I wouldn’t pee on my brother if he was on fire.

My child I would donate as would I for my husband. My sibling? I'm not sure I would. They are an alcoholic and even if my sibling promised they would stop drinking forever, I'm not sure, in fact I'm probably 90% certain a while after the operation they would begin drinking again.