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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think someone isn’t owed an organ from a sibling?

216 replies

NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 19:06

I’ve known a few people- weirdly- that have given/received kidneys from other family members over the years.

I think that it is incredibly kind and selfless to do this for another person in need, but think that there’s so much guilt involved and that one person doesn’t owe a kidney, particularly if the recipient is not their own offspring.

I know 2 x people; basics as follows:-

  • R for recipient and D for donor/possible donor. They are siblings, but not close siblings or even really in touch.
  • R is on dialysis and is hoping to get a new kidney in the next year or so.
  • D- a sibling- not a close sibling, has been cited as a possible match. The parents are not able to donate and are hoping that D will “come good”.
  • D thinks that R should offer the kidney like it’s a sweet and that it’s nothing. Also, that is not needed by R. R also isn’t interested in any sort of relationship with D and is happy to take the organ and run.
  • D is- regardless of the relationship- v sympathetic towards this plight- but couldn’t be less interested in risking their life for someone who doesn’t give a fig about them.
  • Sadly, R has kids. D doesn’t but may do so in the future.
  • Everyone thinks “how nice” it would be for R to help their sibling, but wouldn’t dream of offering themselves- friends, family etc.
  • Lastly the most interesting fact is, that D’s partner-father to the kids- is also not keen on being tested and has made up every excuse/reason under the sun to avoid being so. The partner feels that it would be nice for R to help out their sibling- obviously!!
OP posts:
ImALittlePea · 09/08/2022 22:25

FOJN · 09/08/2022 20:10

I have worked as a transplant coordinator, not live donor but I interacted with the live donor team and transplant surgeons everyday and you can rest assured this does not happen. Remember that there are huge risks involved in donating a kidney so those involved take the health and well being of the donor very seriously.

The team accept that some patients will not survive long enough to receive a transplant, it is a sad fact of life in any healthcare speciality but to undertake surgery on a healthy person for the benefit of another and for them to die is devastating. No one wants that on their conscience. It's hard enough for the surgeons if the recipient doesn't survive surgery but those patients need that surgery, donors do not.

I cannot emphasise enough how seriously transplant teams take the health of the donor and they never ever judge anyone who does not want to donate to a family member.

Show quote history

@FOJN you sound so much like the living donor transplant coordinator we had! I remember being taken aback by her words to start with, but once we met and she explained everything, I totally got it. I'd love to know if you are her 😅

rarelyontime · 09/08/2022 22:26

Truthfully, I don't think I'd donate any part of me that wouldn't grow back. I'd consider blood, liver and bone marrow if I was deemed medically fit enough at the time to donate. A kidney? No. Cut it out of me and I'm down to one, and with my family history, I think I might need the spare one later myself.

I don't think I could accept a living donor donation myself either. Partially because if I'm not prepared to give, I don't think I should receive. Partially because I don't think I could live with the guilt of taking someone's body part and things then going wrong for that person.

I'd both accept and donate body parts on death.

Original poster
NellesVilla · 09/08/2022 22:28

Just popped in before bed- @rarelyontime , I agree with everything you’ve said here and will be memorizing your reply for future discussions.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 09/08/2022 22:29

Nobody owes their sibling or relations kidney donation
Even more so if they aren't close

I would have given my (late) Dsis my right arm leg or any kidney or organ I could spare because we were super close

But not If we weren't close as I have a life (and I have 3 DCs relying on me, )

There will be a register there will be others and no the potential donor does not have to agree and frankly the organ transplant team are super at this- they will just say not a suitable match after tests if the potential donor expresses that they don't want to donate and feel pressurised to do this so can they keep it in confidence and rule them out subtly

Tiani4 · 09/08/2022 22:30

My friend has one kidney, by birth and she has some issues because of that

thing47 · 09/08/2022 22:31

GU24Mum · 09/08/2022 22:25

We knew someone when one of my children was just at school who donated for a parent and the operation went very badly wrong, very nearly fatally. The recipient was fine; the donor ended up needing a transplant because of the surgery issues.

I'd do it for one of my children but no one else.

Not a snowball's chance in hell DH would accept one of our DCs as a donor.

And actually I think it's quite unusual and strongly discouraged so it would be interesting to know how that came about. Hopefully not as a result of undue pressure on the child.

Tiani4 · 09/08/2022 22:32

"Not suitable organ after tests" will also be phrase "we spoke to the potential donor and they felt pressured and unhappy to donate but don't want you to know"

Uberstar · 09/08/2022 22:33

I have been a live donor. It was for my daughter so slightly different.
the whole process was painful, and horrible, but I would do it again in a heartbeat after watching her flourish after transplant.
however I’m now in the position of my littlest daughter Also needing a transplant., she’s 11.
I’m all out of spares!
My twin sister has offered to donate but all I feel is guilt and a need to protect my sister and then the pressure of wanting my daughter to have her transplant.
and knowing that the first daughter will also need another transplant at some point in the future.
( transplant is a treatment, it is not a cure! A do skid eye will not last forever sadly)

I wish you all the best, from one kidney family to another xx

SaggyBlinders · 09/08/2022 22:34

I would donate to my partner or best friend if they needed it. Not my siblings though. Not a chance.

R's partner needs to get himself tested and sign up to the donor pool if he isn't a match.

Tiani4 · 09/08/2022 22:35

His jo is never let my children donate an organ r me!! I'd donate to them but they don't get to mess with their health and lives for me!!! I'm THEIR parent not t'other way round

Besides I've told my DCs I'm worth more to them dead than alive ! Grin they rail against that as kinda love me and want me around as grandma when they have DCs but is never let them out their lives at risk for me. That's MY job not theirs

Tiani4 · 09/08/2022 22:36

@Uberstar
Flowers🥰😍😍♥️♥️

QueSyrahSyrah · 09/08/2022 22:37

Obviously it's entirely up to the donor in the end, but I only have a half-brother (we didn't even meet until our teens) and if I could potentially save his life in this way I wouldn't hesitate.

NotMushroomInEre · 09/08/2022 22:40

Sorry, you confused me when you said D (donor) thinks R (recipient) should offer kidney. Really important topic, and not something one should get confused by.

Yes, if either of my sister's needed one of my kidneys, they'd have it. Obviously I couldn't help both of them. If one of them needed it, no matter how close or distant we were, it would be theirs.

Uberstar · 09/08/2022 22:42

A donated kidney will not last forever that should say.

SarahSteedman82 · 09/08/2022 22:44

For those saying the donor often faces issues later in life or that they often are not as healthy later on simply is not true for most cases. Life expectancy is more or less the same, future kidney issues such as dialysis is actually lower in those tested against the general non donor population and donors tend to be healthier than many other people as only healthy people are allowed to donate to start with. Of course sometimes things go wrong but please don't scaremonger by saying things like this.

As for the op whilst I see why people are reacting in this way about the sibling, it is their choice and they have and should only do it if they want to, it's their right and who knows what the future may bring. Hopefully the possible recipient won't have too long a wait on the transplant list. I was on home dialysis for 18 months until I had my transplant.

Buythebag40 · 09/08/2022 22:46

This reminds me of a story in a magazine years back where a guy needed a kidney or something and his sister was a match - but after deliberating over it with her dh and dc's and finding out everything involved decided not to go ahead. The brother sold his story to anyone who would listen and absolutely slated her - basically saying he was going to die because of his sisters reluctance to hand over a kidney! I thought it was terrible of him, obviously I had sympathy for his situation but it was all a bit distasteful.

Quincythequince · 09/08/2022 22:50

The question is, why did D tell anyone that they were a match. There are strict rules around information sharing and the donor team don’t disclose this kind of information on the recipient. D chose to disclose this. Why?

DoIDareSayAnything · 09/08/2022 22:50

The only people I would be a living donor for are my children. They can have whatever they need. Everyone else can fuck off.

After I'm dead, it is a free for all, but many of my organs have been quite heavily used. 😁

I have no expectation of ever receiving any donated organs either. You get the cards you are dealt.

TitoMojito · 09/08/2022 22:50

You can't even force a dead person to give up their organs without prior consent, so no, no one owes anyone organs - family or otherwise.

Cadot · 09/08/2022 22:55

Absolutely, the sibling should not feel entitled to it. It's a massive sacrifice and risk. I can empathise with being desperate enough to ask though. I wouldn't do it for anyone except my own child.

I understand there are sometimes 4 way swaps available for organ matching so that the parent could donate to someone else's child and that person donates to their child.

Cadot · 09/08/2022 23:01

PortalooSunset · 09/08/2022 19:41

Donor has every right to say no. But if they weren't close before they definitely won't be after that.
Can understand why spouse of recipient is resistant to getting tested too. In that position, faced with things going wrong, you'd potentially end up with dc losing both parents. Not a risk I'd be willing to take if there was an alternative.

But you'd be happy for your sibling to risk their life instead? How does that conversation go? "My husband cannot die because he needs to look my children. But you are expendable and your life means nothing, so come on."

What about if sibling said - I will look after your children if you both die? That's something I'd be willing to offer to a sibling.

DenholmElliot1 · 09/08/2022 23:05

WhoMe231 · 09/08/2022 21:58

There was an article in the paper a few years ago, a girl (around 22 years old) gave her boyfriend her kidney…whilst she was recovering in hospital he cheated on her 😱 She said she is so angry to know her kidney is still out there in the world and she can’t use it. Made me seriously reconsider EVER donating anything of mine!

There was also a case in America about 10 years ago where a man donated a kidney to his wife and then went to court to try to get it back after she divorced him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/08/2022 23:07

You're right of course, OP; nobody's ever "owed" an organ, no matter how pressing the situation

I'm surprised the thread's still here though - for whatever reason HQ nearly always zap threads on this subject

MadMadMadamMim · 09/08/2022 23:10

I'm NC with my sister and she'd better hope she never needs a kidney. Not a chance in hell that I would donate to her.

user1583920194858592910103848559201 · 09/08/2022 23:10

I wouldn't give an organ to either of my siblings.

There's a sense of entitlement within families around organs.