To think someone isn’t owed an organ from a sibling?

[NellesVilla]

I’ve known a few people- weirdly- that have given/received kidneys from other family members over the years.

I think that it is incredibly kind and selfless to do this for another person in need, but think that there’s so much guilt involved and that one person doesn’t owe a kidney, particularly if the recipient is not their own offspring.

I know 2 x people; basics as follows:-

• R for recipient and D for donor/possible donor. They are siblings, but not close siblings or even really in touch.
• R is on dialysis and is hoping to get a new kidney in the next year or so.
• D- a sibling- not a close sibling, has been cited as a possible match. The parents are not able to donate and are hoping that D will “come good”.
• D thinks that R should offer the kidney like it’s a sweet and that it’s nothing. Also, that is not needed by R. R also isn’t interested in any sort of relationship with D and is happy to take the organ and run.
• D is- regardless of the relationship- v sympathetic towards this plight- but couldn’t be less interested in risking their life for someone who doesn’t give a fig about them.
• Sadly, R has kids. D doesn’t but may do so in the future.
• Everyone thinks “how nice” it would be for R to help their sibling, but wouldn’t dream of offering themselves- friends, family etc.
• Lastly the most interesting fact is, that D’s partner-father to the kids- is also not keen on being tested and has made up every excuse/reason under the sun to avoid being so. The partner feels that it would be nice for R to help out their sibling- obviously!!

@thing47 oh god sorry, bad quoting on my part there - I knew you were disagreeing!

I love my siblings, but my responsibility is to my children. I’d look into the risks, but if I didn’t feel I could take those risks I don’t think I would. I signed up to have kids- to me that also means I signed up to do my best to be there to look after them, that’s what parents do. If I thought the risks reasonable I absolutely would. And I would for my dc in a heartbeat.

I know someone who was tested for a cousin.

it’s a big decision and would have had a impact on his livelihood (physical job). Immediate family could not donate due to obesity.

the Hospital told the family he was a match! I was really shocked that medical information would be released - because my friend had planned to say he wasn’t a match rather than explain he didn’t want to do it.

I know 2 people who had received kidneys -donated from a partner/from a transplant "pool". Both found a new lease of life ... and ran off with another partner within a year! It's apparently very common!

Why did he even go ahead with the time and expense to nhs to get tested. The initial discussions on impact and risks before any tests should have been the time to withdraw, or ask them to be told he wasnt suitable.

Got to assume he told them he agreed to transplant if he was a match before the testing, otherwise surely they wouldn't have wasted time going that far.

Should more guilt not have been laid at door of immediate family who with lifestyle changes could possibly have looked at donation dependent on level of obesity and urgency of transplant?

He was undecided throughout so proceeded with the testing. He became more and more uncertain as it progressed and other family members dropped out.

he realised he would be unable to work for a period (he is a self employed builder).

his uncle appeared at the door to tell him he was a match and could proceed. He wasn’t given the opportunity to consider it privately.

there was a huge amount of pressure.

he didn’t donate on the end - another family member was also suitable.

I lost a paragraph there, and had also said they probably agreed to under crushing pressure from family to 'do the right thing'.

It was only the blood test stage - so I think there would have been more testing after that phase.

there wasn’t any counselling offered in terms of the implications for him. His wife was shocked as she had assumed there would be a lot of support for potential donors - but there was very little. They made an appointment with their own GP to try and find out more and had to resort to google.

I know the bus is stretched - but it seemed quite a cavalier approach. Particularly as others have said there is huge family pressure and the extended family were very dismissive of any concerns.

I was recently discussing this with my in laws and I said I'd only definitely donate to my children. Probably my brother and husband too, but I wasn't 100% sure. Definitely not my parents and instinctively I didn't think that would even be something they'd want.

They reacted really shocked, like I'd said I was thinking about killing my father myself. Glad to see my instincts are at least not uncommon, even if I am selfish and heartless!

have D get tested and tell the Dr's that they are being pressured and do not want to donate, the Dr's will tell R that D is NOT a match , so no fall out on D ...

Yes, I would rather my children grew up without a parent than risked their own health/life for me or DH.

The thought of it (child donating non regrowable body part to parent) utterly repulses me.

Do you mean the donor is a half sibling or a full sibling who doesn’t know or is estranged from sibling.
Depends on the relationship? - by which I mean the actual relationship, not the genetic one. I would donate in a heartbeat for my half-sister - but hell would freexe over before I even gave the idea a second thought for my brother. (If it wasn't a waste of resources I'd consent to a test for the joy of telling him I was a potential match but f. off)

We supposedly have opt out, rather than opt in nowadays. Meaning the NHS should have the right to take organs unless there's a signed opt out.

While it's still a good idea to let family know your wishes, I find it very wrong that family can still override someone's decision, even if they've completed an organ donor card, etc.

Children quite rightfully aren’t allowed to donate so they would already have grown up.

Do you even have a clue what you are ranting about?

Well luckily UK law feels the same, so you don’t need to worry about that happening.