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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to rescind invite?

233 replies

Embarrassed22 · 09/08/2022 08:51

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

OP posts:
cameocat · 09/08/2022 08:54

Wow, you have put up with a lot more than I would. I thi k you need to say it isn't working for you and no, I'm afraid it is no longer available for her to use. She sounds like a real taker, you might lose her as a friend but that would not be on you.

Homewardbound2022 · 09/08/2022 08:57

Outrageous behaviour.
I would tell you have Covid and she can't stay.

Fraaahnces · 09/08/2022 08:59

“I think you need to find somewhere else to stay. You don’t respect my boundaries or my home and I would rather let you know that now than to allow you to push our friendship too far.”

VortexofBloggery · 09/08/2022 08:59

You text her and say "I don't care what you say, I've had a hard week and you're not coming to stay". Don't answer when she knocks. Block her phone number. It's ok to be a dick, according to her, so she won't mind at all. Good Luck!

wonderstuff · 09/08/2022 09:00

I’d go with so sorry I just don’t have energy to host this week, or really want a week on my own?

ingratitude · 09/08/2022 09:01

Tell her you've family coming on xx date and she needs to be done. Next time she asks say no.

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 09:01

Why do you have “no life” OP?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/08/2022 09:01

Next time she messages you to ask, text back ‘Sorry, can’t help this time as I’ve decided I want a visitor free home for a few months after the amount of extra cleaning I had to do last time. Let me know where you end up staying and hopefully we can catch up for a coffee.’

Or something like that.

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 09:02

Homewardbound2022 · 09/08/2022 08:57

Outrageous behaviour.
I would tell you have Covid and she can't stay.

Why lie?

You say “outrageous behaviour” but your solution is to make up a short term lie.

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 09:02

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/08/2022 09:01

Next time she messages you to ask, text back ‘Sorry, can’t help this time as I’ve decided I want a visitor free home for a few months after the amount of extra cleaning I had to do last time. Let me know where you end up staying and hopefully we can catch up for a coffee.’

Or something like that.

This.

Darkness22 · 09/08/2022 09:02

Not this time, sorry.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/08/2022 09:02

You’re going to have to be honest. It’s either that or let her run roughshod over you.

”I’m no longer hosting friends, I need my space.”

cameocat · 09/08/2022 09:03

Some good messages on here OP, any of them would suit, just for you to pick whi h would be best for you. Apart from the covid one, too short term and a lie.

littlefireseverywhere · 09/08/2022 09:04

Agree either covid for easy way out or as others have said say it doesn’t suit. She’s a free loader not a friend.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 09:10

"It's been lovely having time to catch up with you, but I need my home back to myself again now."

Any pushback - "it's starting to feel like a chore cleaning up after you because you are treating my home like a hotel & me like staff".

Stop worrying about coming out of it like I'm a dick FFS.
You are not the person leaving shit stains over your friend's house, or expecting her to clean up after you.

If she gets offended because she can no longer just announce she's turning up to accept her free accommodation, you are well rid of the entitled bugger.

ChaToilLeam · 09/08/2022 09:11

She really is a CF. Nobody visiting my home and staying as a guest gets to use the words “I don’t care what you say”. It’s your home and she is not treating you with respect.

I don’t think she is much of a friend to you, TBH.

Suggested wording: You will need to find somewhere else to stay, it’s not working for me to host you anymore.

I bet you don’t hear from her again once you stop being available to her as a source of free accommodation.

Embarrassed22 · 09/08/2022 09:14

Endlesslypatient82 · 09/08/2022 09:01

Why do you have “no life” OP?

My 20s were a tough decade that left me with no family or friends. Now early 30s I've turned my life around and its going good, but friendships take time to build so I'm not at the point where the people I meet in my pass times are fully fledged friends yet.

This friend flourished quickly-ish but I was starting to feel used, and after the poop and wine, abused.

I like being helpful (she's had quite a bit of adversity in the past few months and this was making her life a little less difficult) but a line has been crossed. I'm not sure which crossed it first, the wine or the poop, or they skipped over it gayly, hand in hand. 🤣

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 09/08/2022 09:19

Jesus OP.
Just tell her exactly what you have said here.

I don’t want alcohol in my house - there is no exception to that rule for me!

Also, clean up your own shit - literal shit and metaphorical shit.

You are a pig, and I am not a chamber maid.

If you can’t behave as if you were not born in a barn, and not respect my house rules - I would rather you didn’t come.

raisinghell · 09/08/2022 09:19

Covid stops this next stay. Using some of the helpful words already suggested stops it happening again.
You're nicer than me, I would have been saying things like "I think you need to come in here and clean the toilet"...

NumberTheory · 09/08/2022 09:21

Embarrassed22 · 09/08/2022 09:14

My 20s were a tough decade that left me with no family or friends. Now early 30s I've turned my life around and its going good, but friendships take time to build so I'm not at the point where the people I meet in my pass times are fully fledged friends yet.

This friend flourished quickly-ish but I was starting to feel used, and after the poop and wine, abused.

I like being helpful (she's had quite a bit of adversity in the past few months and this was making her life a little less difficult) but a line has been crossed. I'm not sure which crossed it first, the wine or the poop, or they skipped over it gayly, hand in hand. 🤣

It’s hard making those new relationships after the first flush of adulthood, but don’t chase a user as a friend. You’ll have less time (and emotional resources) to find good ones.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2022 09:21

I get the loneliness. I really do. However you are better off with no friends than a woman, who treats your home like a hotel and leaves poo stains on the sofa and loo seat… and you don’t have no friends. You have developing friendships you are nurturing. The best thing you can do is to put your energy into these and any other opportunities around.

EverythingHeadinSouth · 09/08/2022 09:23

I wouldn't lie or make excuses as that can invariably lead you into digging a deeper and deeper hole for yourself. Just tell her the truth politely. The worst that can happen is she takes offense and ends the friendship and frankly it doesn't sound like that would be much of a loss for you. Life is too short to tolerate alleged friends making it unnecessarily miserable.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/08/2022 09:24

Sorry, I’m fully booked that week

Ahnobother · 09/08/2022 09:25

Oh that's not on OP.
If you want to be polite about it say look it's been lovely having company but I really need my home to be my own space so I can't put you up here any longer but I'd love to meet up when you are here.
You don't have to explain your reasons further.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 09/08/2022 09:26

That sounds like the best reply.

However, you do sound a little over the top. I couldn't imagine going into a guests bedroom and stripping their bed. Hiw long had the sheets been on for? I know its a big point of controversy on MN about how often to change sheets, so maybe you do it every few days where she'd be happy with every 2 weeks?

And drinking a whole bottle of wine isn't the sin of a century. It very much depends on how her tone was regarding the "I don't care......"

However, the loo related things are gross!