How to rescind invite?

[Embarrassed22]

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

I don't think you need to think up anything clever to say, or make excuses. Your home is your sanctuary. Just tell her firmly you can't cope with overnight stays, it's too much for you, but you would love to catch up for a meal or coffee when she is in the area next.

Don't say anything that could give her reason to expect to come again.
"Covid" - a one-off excuse.
"You're a dirty pig" - she'll promise to be better next time (she won't).
" I'm not an hotel" - ditto
Just say no/

Just be honest with her. Tell her you would if she respected your home. Mention everything you have listed and had to clean up yourself because she never. She's not in a hotel. She's a grown woman and should pull her weight.

It's been lovely having time to catch up with you, but I need my home back to myself again now."

Any pushback - "it's starting to feel like a chore cleaning up after you because you are treating my home like a hotel & me like staff".

Sorry I should have quoted a PP's post above

This. It's taken me years to realise that a poor friend is worse than no friends at all.

You sound like a decent person who can do way better than this user.

@NumberTheory making friends as an adult is definitely hard. I wasn't good at it as a child but now it's a bit weird to starts completely from scratch. I assume most adults make new connections through existing ones.

@Mummyoflittledragon I don't feel overtly lonely. I'm generally quite happy in my own company. I think it's more I have a bit of a saviour complex. No one even tried to help save me in the worst moments of my life, so part of me doesn't want to see others going unsaved when I can help. But I also need to maintain my boundaries.

She'd already left when I found her toilet massacre, otherwise I probably would have shoved the cleaning spray into her hand.

I think next time will be the last time. Then I'll just say I need my personal space back.

She's not actually your friend.

Friends don't treat friends this way.

She's a user, plain and simple. She'd drop you like a hotcake if you weren't putting her up for free and literally cleaning up her poo.

Just tell her it's not working for you anymore, she has no respect for you or your home, and she won't be welcomed back into it.

Then block her.

You deserve better.

You’ve got to be politely blunt or she’ll continue taking the piss.

She’s a disgrace and a user rather than a good friend.
Say you have covid. Send her this (found on another MN post).

I think next time will be the last time. Then I'll just say I need my personal space back.

Or - rather than keep suffering in silence - if you are resolved to allow this one last visit, why not use it to practice your assertiveness skills?

"Mary, when you've used the kitchen can you clean up after yourself please? - I can help you with where everything goes if you need me to, but you've stayed here enough to know how I like to keep things in order."

& similar for every mess she makes.

Otherwise ... all you are doing with allowing her to impose again is deferring the problem of saying NO to her. Why do you feel that you'd be able to say NO more easily next time, but not this time?

This is too much, OP. She comes over as rude and entitled. I would never impose on a friend like that, or treat their home in such a careless (or rather, squalid) way.

You shouldn't have to put up with this. She deserves to have the riot act read to her, but of course, if you want to keep the friendship you'll have to find a less confrontational way of asserting yourself -but assert yourself, you must!!

Yes, try Covid for a starter and then just create a few more excuses until she gets the message. If she doesn't (and her insensitive behaviour doesn't bode well) you'll just have to say that you need your home to yourself for the foreseeable future. If she's staying nearby, maybe she could come to supper but that you can't offer overnight stays any more.

This might be hard, but you will just become more and more resentful (don't blame you!) and the friendship will end anyway.

Good luck!! You deserve to be able to enjoy your home and to expect others to treat it will respect - don't feel guilty AT ALL.

Why are you entertaining a next visit before stopping her coming again?

No need to make dramatic. When she texts to ask you if she’d can stay just tell her simply that you need your space and don’t want any visitors for a while.

Just say sorry but hosting isn't working out for you and you decided not to do it anymore. However, if you want save friendship, offer an olive branch of you'd love to see her for coffee/ dinner out one day when she is close by.

The issue is she will ask you why, so you will need to stand firm and have you reasons ready. She will argue against them/ promise not to do it again etc

HI OP.

I'm not a people pleaser and even though I moved countries again 9 months ago I've already made some friends here so you'll have to get your head around my approach.

I'd not have her back and I'd tell her why.

I'd say 'Natalie, I can't have you round my house again. We both have different ways of living and yours disrupts mine too much for me to carry on. I am not sure if you are even aware of the destruction but leaving shit in the toilet and brown stains on a cushion felt very personal towards me so I'm reading the room and won't be able to host you again. It isn't good for me to keep doing this, I'm not your maid and this is my home, not a random travelodge'.

Er, no. There’s no ‘one last time’.

Now is the time to say no. I know it feels scary but don’t defer it, OP.

She is not your friend.

It's shame you feel you can't stop this next visit. How long is it for? Will you text her after that visit? There are some good ideas here for what to text so I hope you have the nerve to do it.

Keep posting if you need strength. Hopefully the memory of wiping up her poo will be enough though!

Bingo. This is absolutely how I'd handle it. I'd nicely say I just wanted my house back, qnd if questioned further I would explain lightly some of the difficulties you found having her as a guest.

She’s not your friend-she’s a user! Why is she staying with you so much? I would stop this now-no more ‘just this one last time’

I’d be proactive and cancel this visit, I’d already agreed:

‘Hi Friend, Not sure if you’re aware of this and I don’t want to embarrass you, but there was quite a lot of unpleasant mess left in the bathroom and on the sofa after your last visit. I know I said you could stay on xx date but I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore.’

or

’Hi Friend, I know we agreed to another visit on Xx date but it’s got too much for me, so you need to find somewhere else to stay.’

Part of building good relationships is treating yourself well. It’s a cliche but it’s true, you can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself. Please don’t let her say again.

I’d actually be clear that she wasn’t welcome because of her behaviour. Something like,

’LOL, no. You have been treating my house like a hotel instead of the home of a friend. You leave everything for me to clean up, including all your cups and the poo stains you left all over the loo, and you drink when you know I am uncomfortable having alcohol in my house. You are being so disrespectful and I genuinely can’t face it anymore, so you’ll need to find somewhere else.”

I struggle with saying no. So this isn’t the healthiest response but you could invent a lodger who is out if she visits/very tidy but means you can no longer host!

Tell the truth! If you can’t be honest, where’s the friendship?

You need to be careful when people know you don’t have a support network. It’s very easy to be taken advantage of or have your whole life taken over by one person.

This last/next time was agreed before the poo incident so I will stick to what I agreed before calling time. Mumsnet raves about etiquette for cancelling plans etc. And it's only one day. Then next time she messages asking to stay I'll tell her no.

I won't be using covid as it's not a permanent solution. I'll just tell her I need some time on my own. The work commitments she has up here are nearly over so hopefully 'needing time' can take me to her being back in her area properly.

I'd leave her bedroom and bathroom as they are for her to come back to if you don't want to avoid this visit. And then while she's staying give her specific instructions. I'll cook you wash up etc. Why don't you pick up a takeaway for supper.

She'll clearly take what you are prepared to give. So ask for more back.

I'm not sure which crossed it first, the wine or the poop, or they skipped over it gayly, hand in hand. 🤣

You sound fabulous Op.

I'd actually tell her now that she can't stay in 2 days time.

That's enough time for her to book somewhere if necessary.

She's not a friend she's a user btw!

'i don't care what you say

Sums it up really doesn't it?