How to rescind invite?

[Embarrassed22]

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

Please don’t feel terrible, OP.

I’m not going to insult this woman. I’m not going to rehash the past. I’m just going to say to you, while you’re all torn to pieces that she’s had this horrific week… why is it that she’s unloading the “worst week of [her] life” onto such a new friend as you? Where are the other people who should be supporting her? Long-term friends? Other people she could stay with? Etc? You have a reason you don’t have a lot of friends at the moment, a good reason, and you seem to have just assumed she’s in the same boat. I think you’re going to find the truth is that, based on her behavior described so far, she uses people and burns bridges and just when the bridge is almost burnt beyond salvage, how convenient she’s just had the worst week of her entire life, so you feel guilty when, for the sake of good mental health and boundaries, you should be perfectly within your rights to cut ties with her and not feel a damn thing about her issues.

You said you have a bit of a savior complex, and I’m afraid she saw you coming from a mile away, and she’s still trying it on now. You sound such a good person, who is trying so hard, OP. If you want to help others, maybe try animal shelters or knitting/quilting and donating your creations to foster care and orphanages abroad. If you want to help adult humans, I really recommend only doing it through donating or volunteering with professional organizations. If you try to just “save” individuals who are always having the “worst weeks,” like this woman, you’re going to quickly realize there’s an endless pool of people out there who will drain you dry, just like she will.

Just tell her you’re very sorry but you cant cope with guests right now but would love to meet her for dinner after work so yay you can catch up properly

Just say no, you don't owe her an explanation. Honestly no reason is needed.

For me, and for others who have poor boundaries and/or are people-pleasers and find it hard to say no to people who abuse one's goodwill, it is actually important to "rehash the past" in order to stay strong in self-protection.

OP, you need to remain clear in your own mind about what has happened. You need to convey to her not that she can't stay now, but that she can't stay again.

To do this, you need to remember the past. How you don't like alcohol in your house and said so, and she pushed over your boundaries and drank in your house regardless.

How she got so drunk she left your toilet in a state for you to clean up and she shat on your couch/cushion, whatever.

How something so appalling happened after that, that you have referenced but not described in this thread, that you were left shellshocked.

You need to remember these things, as she has a history of pushing down your boundaries and behaving as she wants, and getting drunk when staying over.

You may need to list these things for her in simple form when she inevitably whines and pushes back when you politely say you need some space, can't host her this time, or whatever you can bring yourself to say.

You need to reread your own thread when you feel you might cave in to her, when you doubt if you are being mean or not, when you feel invalidated, etc.

There are a lot of good suggestions in the thread, but you need to draw a line on accommodating this person, and that line begins with you deciding what you will and won't accept in your own home, and that this woman isn't going to magically change. Then you need to convey this to her. Not now, not again, not ever, ie.

A polite but blunt message is required next time she asks.

”No, your behaviour over your last two visits crossed every line there is. For the sake of our friendship don’t ask me again.”

If she hassles you, just block her number, and if she turns up, don’t let her in no matter what kind of scene she makes.

I'm not going to go in with a hard 'No, never' unless she asks again. As I said, she caught me off guard when she asked and I didn't have the wits about me to make a permanent no. It's not an appropriate time to be telling her how she has hurt me etc. Yes she was out of line with her behaviour before but there are certain events in life that happen to us all that shouldn't be worsened, even if you've done wrong. Protecting my boundaries can be done without shedding my humanity.

Given that's she's overridden your boundaries multiple times, and in your own words:

I've barely slept since she left due to the anxiety she has invoked from her behaviour and drinking this last week.

And you were unable to say no last time as she "caught you off guard", and your pleas for help in standing strong, I find your last post a little ridiculous.

You make your bed, you lie in it.

Weak boundaries boundaries are not the same as a higher level of humanity op.

It's fine to avoid saying a hard no, but you will need to accept the consequences of that.

I can’t imagine how not being able to stay in someone else’s home for free makes a tragedy worse, unless she’s lost her own home, of course.

I did say no to next week. I didn't give a reason. I just said she couldn't stay on the day she asked, rather than saying she is not allowed to come in my house ever again 'because you shit everywhere, drink alcohol when I'm not comfortable and make me feel uncomfortable with my neighbors'. I certainly wouldn't be calling her a 'dirty bitch' etc like some posters have suggested. Not only because I think that's stooping but because I also have connections with her through work.

Obviously you don't need to say these things, literally. But I would think a being with a superior level of humanity, as you have posited yourself, would be able to come up with a way to point out there is a mismatch between how you like to live and her behaviour as a frequent houseguest.

Help me stay strong MN.

Numerous posters try to help you stay strong, no doubt using their own hard-won experience...

Your response to this effort, supporting you, is to act mortally offended at the suggestion you may need to prepare yourself for the next time she asks to stay. It's pretty rude to throw people's help back in their faces after asking for it.

She sounds like she has a drinking problem. You might be doing her a favour to mention that, when you are placed in the position to say no (or cave in) again.

Text her this and do it now:

Hi X,
Just so that there is no awkwardness going forward, I'm letting you know that I will no longer be allowing anyone stay over in my home. Please don't ask me in future as the answer will be a no. I'm not going to change my mind. Going forwards you will have to find somewhere else to stay over as I will not be able to host you.
All the best,
Embarrassed22"

That is what you text her.
Do it now.
Cut her off before she can ask you again. It's then not hanging over you, you don't have to be embarrassed, she doesn't have to be embarrassed and you've set your boundaries and you can stick to them. You don't have to explain about her behaviour as you're not mentioning it but you're being very clear that she isn't to ask you about staying over again.

If she asks again, a simple 'Sorry, as you know alcohol is a hard line for me, and It's obviously important to you. We'll both be more comfortable with you staying somewhere else.'

I'd be wearing a garlic necklace at this point. She sounds like an accomplished manipulator. You need to get a bit angry, use the mist. This woman is playing you like a piano.

I'm glad to hear it OP. She hasn't treated you well, perfectly right not to allow her stay with you again, but you know she is down and there's no need to kick her while she is.

You can be supportive and a good friend without letting her railroad all over you and your home.

I find this one pretty ridiculous and I suspect the poster hasn't noticed the dates on the various posts. OP has said no when asked, she's simply taken a perfectly reasonable and humane decision to postpone explaining it's a permanent no because something awful has happened to the other person. The period when OP wasn't sleeping was over three weeks ago.

Thanks you @PlentyOFool and @Novum .

I think you're understanding my point. The kicking whilst someone is down in particular.

I did type out a proper reply yesterday but then my phone crashed and didn't have the patience to re-type.

I don't know why some mums netters think telling someone they're a dirty alcoholic 5 days after a close family member unexpectedly dropped dead in front of them is appropriate or timely... But then I'm seemingly just a pushover who deserves to have my home shat on...

I will keep saying no if she keeps asking and if she asks why I will tell her, in as diplomatic but truthful way as I can. It worth remembering that she works in my industry and unfortunately the meeting she secured a few weeks ago has ended up with her securing a 12 month contract with my employer so I have to keep being professional.

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall here.

Posters are trying to help you. All due respect @Embarrassed22, but you asked for a permanent solution to her asking to stay, yet you posted that you lost a reply and didn't have the patience to re-type it. That you will keep saying no if she keeps asking.

Why are you unable to text her or email her a message that puts a full and complete stop to her asking in the first place? You can still remain professional but with your boundaries in place.

Find your backbone woman!!! You are losing support here (from me at least) because you just won't tell her "no, you can no longer stay with me" and deal with whatever (and I seriously doubt that there will be any) fall out from that simple statement. I know she works in your industry but that doesn't mean that you have to be an industrial strength doormat!

Er…

I don't know why some mums netters think telling someone they're a dirty alcoholic 5 days after a close family member unexpectedly dropped dead in front of them is appropriate or timely... But then I'm seemingly just a pushover who deserves to have my home shat on...

Let’s talk about appropriate and timely. I want to be clear here. I don’t think you deserve any of this. I definitely don’t think you deserve to have your home shat on. But nor do I believe that she JUST had a close family member die in front of her and she’s traumatized. I don’t think you’re lying at all. I absolutely believe she told you that. But she’s used and abused your hospitality, and when she suddenly realized she might have pushed it too far with behavior NO ONE could accept (something so bad that it would be outing, you say, but we’ve all inferred she got drunk and then got arsey with your neighbours), THEN suddenly she has this horrifically traumatic event, and you’d be heartless now to cut her off, or tell her no. All everyone is saying is: isn’t it funny how that works? How “appropriate and timely” that was? This traumatic event, so you won’t even think of telling anyone at work, where she now is for 12 months, that she’s someone who less than a week ago got drunk and almost ruined your relationship with your neighbours? That she horrifically abused your hospitality? It’s not name-calling or gossiping; it’s fact. She’s either the unluckiest lucky woman in the world, or…

Being skeptical of the kind of person who’d claim they had three grandmothers die doesn’t mean you’re losing your humanity. But if you’re extremely kind person with a savior complex which you, OP, have admitted you are, yes, you need to guard yourself a bit more.

Best of luck. It does sound like you’d rather be angry with posters on this thread than the actual person in your life who is treating you badly. And that’s normal, too. When you discover there was no family death, or it was a distant relative, or she didn’t see it happen, or it happened 17 years ago… please don’t feel badly. She sounds like she’s been using people for years, you were her newest attempt, and once you say a firm and permanent no, she’ll move on to someone else.

@LookItsMeAgain tbf, I don't want support from someone (you) who is coming across more pushy and forceful than the CF right now. So by all means jog on and go tell your own friends all their faults during what are their already traumatic times. Maybe find a puppy to kick along the way. Bubye!

Why are you unable to text her or email her a message that puts a full and complete stop to her asking in the first place? You can still remain professional but with your boundaries in place.

OP is fully capable of this @LookItsMeAgain
She's simply choosing not to do so right now, in the week the CF saw a family member drop dead in front of her.

@CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears you clearly struggle with calendars. It's been a few weeks, nearly a month, since she last stayed and there were ructions. If you can't follow a thread and accompanying time line, you can jog on too.

I'm going to ignore those who clearly are struggling to understand the sequence of events now. It's tedious. Thanks to those who are following and understanding. X

But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.'

It sounds as if she expects that you don't approve of this behaviour. But frankly she would do a lot better by getting a premier inn for the night so she could do what she wants and you get space back. I suspect she also knew she was pushing it.

@Embarrassed22 Look at the post by @StClare101 just up the page, she's given a very good message you can use;

”No, your behaviour over your last two visits crossed every line there is. For the sake of our friendship don’t ask me again.”

I don't think anyone is struggling with calendars. They are reminding you of how you have felt regarding this woman over the last weeks since your thread began.

You've done an angry drip feed, as if posters are all inhumane monsters for not realising this woman had lost a family member in dramatic fashion - well, we are not crystal ball readers, for one; and also, I suspect the person you should be angry with is this woman, and/or yourself, for having such flimsy boundaries that, after your initial post about the shit-stain visit on 9/8/22, you continued to have her to stay another two times...