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Original poster

How to rescind invite?

233 replies

Embarrassed22 · 09/08/2022 08:51

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

OP posts:
dworky · 09/08/2022 12:02

Homewardbound2022 · 09/08/2022 08:57

Outrageous behaviour.
I would tell you have Covid and she can't stay.

No, don't lie, what will you say next time.
Why have you never picked her up on her behaviour when it's bugged you? She probably thinks there isn't an issue. Now is the time to tell her.

TokyoTen · 09/08/2022 12:10

No way would I have her to stay after the poo/wine incident! "I've decided I need some space for myself at the moment so won't be hosting for the next few months" is all you need to say. If you want to break with her entirely respond as above and block her.

LAMPS1 · 09/08/2022 12:12

Hi friend, I just need to let you know that I won’t be able to host you again in the forseeable future. So thinking ahead, here are a few accommodation providers you could try. Maybe we could arrange to meet for a coffee if you have time next time you are this way. Let me know.

OP, you don’t need to give a reason. Just give a list of hotels etc.
If she ever dares ask you outright why you can’t host her any more, then that’s the time to say, face to face, ‘I was finding overnight visits too intrusive on my time, routine and personal space but thanks for asking, …do you have time for another coffee’
good luck !

Cindie943811A · 09/08/2022 12:14

I read very recently regarding people who take advantage (and/or con people) that one should be wary of new friends who are over friendly from the get go.
These people seem to be aware of the other’s neediness and to ingratiate themselves themselves . Most are great company but they are users.

BreatheAndFocus · 09/08/2022 12:20

She doesn’t sound like a good friend at all. She’s either completely insensitive and selfish or sees you as a bit of a doormat. I wouldn’t want her staying either.

Tell her you’re having the spare room turned into a study or whatever and therefore she won’t be able to stay this time or from now on as there won’t be space for her. Give her a list of hotels and B&Bs.

Eviebeans · 09/08/2022 12:35

Tell the truth - don't make up excuses or tell lies. It isn't working out for you and so she won't be able to stay again.

longtompot · 09/08/2022 12:37

VortexofBloggery · 09/08/2022 08:59

You text her and say "I don't care what you say, I've had a hard week and you're not coming to stay". Don't answer when she knocks. Block her phone number. It's ok to be a dick, according to her, so she won't mind at all. Good Luck!

Absolutely this! If there were just a few niggles from not usually living in the same house, fair enough. But she is not respecting your home and your requests. Tell her she needs to find alternative accommodation from now on, including this upcoming visit.

drawacircleroundit · 09/08/2022 12:46

How sure are you that you want to keep her as a friend? She sounds like a user, OP, and you sound lovely.
”I want my space back so I’m afraid you’ll have to find somewhere else from now on when you’re in the area”.
and then ABSOLUTELY shut down her, “But on 15th I need to…”, “But can’t I just…”, “Well, what am I supposed to do when…” with a cool “You’ll have to work that out.”
And don’t let yourself be gaslit with, “Well, I’m going to lose my job if….”.
And if she does the flouncing, “I can see I’m not wanted” and dramatically exits stage left, let her go. Don’t stop her.
Buckle up because it’s unlikely to be easy, but I think you’re being used and that’s not what friends do.

Anonykunt · 09/08/2022 12:47

I felt psychically sick when you said about the crap in the loo and on the sofa. How could anyone be so shamelessly filthy.

Anonykunt · 09/08/2022 12:47

Physically obviously.

Teoteo · 09/08/2022 13:01

Sorry but she isn't your friend and you are allowing yourself to be walked all over. I hope you can summon the strength to get rid of her and strengthen your boundaries OP.

RosiePosie27 · 09/08/2022 13:09

You are very kind @Embarrassed22 - I think she has abused your kindness now though.

coconutpie · 09/08/2022 13:12

I don't understand why you want to even continue with this friendship and let her stay ever again after she left poo on your toilet seat and on a sofa cushion, that is disgusting. The way she treats you in general sounds awful. Why even let her stay one more time? After her last stay, I would tell her exactly why she won't be welcome to stay again and then just end the friendship. Don't let her stay again.

It's interesting how to said you don't want to "be a dick" about saying it'll be her last stay yet she is the one who is being a dick by not cleaning up after herself after you so generously hosting her. Why do you feel it is ok for her to be a dick to you yet you can't call her out on her awful behaviour?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2022 13:16

She's been pushing your boundaries to see how much you can take. Time to tell her you've had enough.
If you want to let her come one more time, up to you - but expect that it will be even worse than last time.
I don't think you owe her the courtesy of etiquette at this stage - she far overstepped the mark last time and lost any right to it! But that's up to you.
However, I'd make it very plain that she's no longer welcome, has abused your trust and kind nature, and will not be staying again, no matter what. Your personal space is essential for your mental wellbeing, and she is disrupting that, which cannot keep happening.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 09/08/2022 13:18

It is really hard to believe that a visitor could behave like that.

If this really happened:
No-one (who is well enought to hold down a job and blag accommodation) blithely leaves their shit in various rooms for a host to clean up for no reason.

This is aggressive behaviour towards you. (Is she angry/jealous/resentful of you?)

You are not a friend to this person. She is making no effort to make you happy. (She is doing things she knows will distress you - and things that would distress anyone.) Don't worry that refusing her visit might destroy your friendship... this is not a friendship.

diddl · 09/08/2022 13:20

Tbh I think you're daft for letting her stay again-even if you have already said yes.

I wonder if she'll want to bother being friends when you're no longer of any use to her.

Surely you don't want to be friends with her any more anyway so so what if you tell her now that it actually doesn't suit you & she can't stay?

Thehop · 09/08/2022 13:22

“No, I’m sorry, you can’t stay. I’ve realised that o just am not a person who likes having guests, and we’ll fall out of we do it again. I don’t want that. Happy to meet for dinner/lunch or something?”

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 09/08/2022 13:33

'You will need to arrange somewhere else to stay next time. Unfortunately it is no longer convenient to have you here.'

If she has the face to ask why, point at the cushions.

pawkins · 09/08/2022 13:37

OP the language you used is strange for someone living by themselves e.g. 'I run
a dry house'. Is she a paying guest by any chance? Its strange that she is using your house like a hotel ie leaving you to clear up after her?

Viviennemary · 09/08/2022 13:46

You should cancel her visit in two, days. Say sorry this is not working for me. Please make alternative arrangements.. She will need to go to a b & B or hotel. Say its too stressful.

that1970shouse · 09/08/2022 13:49

I wouldn't have her to stay again. I'd message along the lines of "It won't be possible for you to stay here again. I'm sure you know why."

If she plays dumb and says "No, why?" then just reply "Oh, you know, all the poo you left for me to clean up."

When she promises not to drink and not to do it again, just use the classic "That doesn't work for me" or "Once was once too much."

FOJN · 09/08/2022 14:03

But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.'

OP it really doesn't matter how diplomatically you tell her she can't stay again. People who tell you they don't care about your house rules and will do as they please are unlikely to take no well. I think that when you say no to your friend she will decide you are no longer useful to her and end the friendship so I would not agonise about the manner in which you tell her.

I would not apologise for being unwilling to host. I would not tell her you have enjoyed her visits but... I would not make up a fake excuse. In fact I wouldn't offer an explanation at all. I would be blunt and straight to the point, "I don' want you to stay anymore"

She sounds like and entitled user, I don't think you have anything to gain by being gentle so don't waste your energy worrying about it.

Triptinratbat · 09/08/2022 14:13

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/08/2022 09:01

Next time she messages you to ask, text back ‘Sorry, can’t help this time as I’ve decided I want a visitor free home for a few months after the amount of extra cleaning I had to do last time. Let me know where you end up staying and hopefully we can catch up for a coffee.’

Or something like that.

@Embarrassed22 this 👆

Wetblanket78 · 09/08/2022 14:15

^This^

LaMadameCholet · 09/08/2022 14:18

I don’t think you need to apologise, offer alternatives or say anything emotive/ blamey (even though it is 250% her fault). You do however need to be clear so I would simply say “Hi Drunkpoo Friend, I need to cancel your visit on *. I won’t be in a position to host anyone for the foreseeable future. Best wishes”