How to rescind invite?

[Embarrassed22]

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

I’d let her stay this time then after she leaves I’d say that you’ve loved having her stay but this is the last time you’ll be able to accommodate her as you’ve been accepted to become an emergency/respite foster carer which means that you need to keep the bedroom free at all times.

You could wait until she asks again and then say it.

You sound like a lovely friend but you can be a good friend and still have boundaries in place.

OP

No one needs a filthy user like that in their life which you are now finding out.

This is not a decent person.

She is utterly disgusting.

Boundaries would be you photographing the mess, sending it to her and telling her she is truly filthy.

She has zero respect for herself, not to mind you.

She should not be entertained by you again.

There is absolutely no etiquette that insists you accommodate her again.
Ever.

If you must have her once more, tell her that the no alcohol rule is not negotiable and tell her exactly what she did last time.

This woman has sh*t all over your home and your friendship.

She is not your friend. Forget etiuquette and reclaim your space now - giving her another stay tells her that you accept what she did last time.

OP, you deserve so much better.

Please don't let her stay again, she has absolutely no respect for you.

You need to channel your inner Supernanny and tell them their behaviour is unacceptable!
Mind, I can't believe you've not yet told them that you're not running a hotel. Are you charging them?

She is using you for a free gaff to stay in. She doesn’t respect you, otherwise she would tidy up after herself and be incredibly thankful for your offer.

Don’t allow her to stay anymore, including this time coming up.

This is shocking!

She is not your friend, she is a freeloading user.

Her telling you she doesn't care what you say, in your own home says she doesn't respect you at all. She thinks you are a doormat, and she's walking all over you.

P.s you sound like a lovely person op

I would just be honest next time say "sorry but I struggle with having a house guest and I value our friendship so this will be the last one. "

@Embarrassed22 your 'guest' sounds similar to how mine ended up and I too reached the end of my tether with their behaviour. Mine was my other half who had a mental breakdown last year, quit his job, sold his car and house to fund a masters degree, quit the degree after a month as he couldn't cope. Came to mine at Christmas when his house sale completed for a couple of weeks and never left. I gave him my room and en suite so I could get sleep as I work FT., he never cleaned the en suite and the fourth time I went in and found poo stained water, pee down the sides and on the floor and over the seat plus dirty shower and sink I lost it. Gave him 6 weeks to move out - he took 10 - and he called me unreasonable! He didn't do any cleaning or help around the house, or pay towards the bills except for £200 in January. He did loads of washing but no ironing and would leave baskets full of clean washing lying around - I started taking his stuff to 'his' room and putting it there. His stuff was scattered everywhere. Even now he's moved out (flat not ready until 19th August and I was unreasonable and cruel to stick to the date of end of July) I still have his stuff here as he hasn't got room in the Premier Inn . It WILL be gone by the end of the month whether he collects it or it goes to the tip. We are simply friends at the moment but its very one sided.

Your 'friend' will probably make you feel very guilty but please, take it from me, you have to harden your heart for your own mental health. It WILL be better for you if you can. I have had to practice 'No that doesn't work for me' many times!!

"I'll just tell her I need some time on my own. The work commitments she has up here are nearly over so hopefully 'needing time' can take me to her being back in her area properly.'

Be careful with your phrasing - this sounds a bit 'temporary'. I would be more clear.

"I hadn't realised how uncomfortable I would find having a houseguest. Especially as you have not respected my home or my boundaries. For the sake of our friendship, please organise an alternative plan as this arrangement won't work for me again".

Honestly stuff etiquette. This works both ways. Dh had a bunch of ‘friends’, who treated our home appallingly. Users. I finally called time on that by pushing the nuclear button when the pisstaking got too much and after a 24 hour deadline he didn’t deal with it.

but a line has been crossed. I'm not sure which crossed it first, the wine or the poop, or they skipped over it gayly, hand in hand.

Awesome - you certainly have a way with words!

If you don't want to be completely blunt with her (although I think she certainly deserves it)...I'd say you're doing to be doing some work on the house so the room won't be available for the forseeable.

No. Because that implies that a different date or other future stays will be fine. It needs to be ckar that it's a never again situation!

Keep it simple and honest. 'No I'm afraid you can't stay. I have found the clean up and stress of hosting to be too much to be honest. Still happy to meet up for a coffee if you have a spare half hour while in the area though. smiley face emoji'

If your friend does stay I'd actually take photos of any mess she leaves. She's probably one that just doesn't see it, or would acknowledge it.
Then if she asks again you've got proof that she treats you like an unpaid skivvy in leaving the place like a shit hole.
I wouldn't even leave a hotel room in a mess let alone a friend's house.

I’m sorry I just can’t. I’m just not able to. It’s just not possible. Repeat as necessary. It’s true. You can’t put up with it.

Also whats with all the lies that others have come up with? Having work done? Say you've got covid?? Its a cowards way out. You need to be brutally honest with a user..

Sure, great plan.

It allows the OP to say no without affecting the "friendship".
All she has to do now is maintain a long-running fiction about having a foster child.
What could possibly go wrong?!

Do you write for sitcoms or soaps, @TommySaid?

Why would you even let this shite encrusted idiot back in to your house again? She’s taking the piss out of you, don’t allow it. A barnyard animal would treat your home better.

I think this is well worded. It's not lying but it's not being completely blunt either. She's taking the piss, her behaviour isn't ok at all.

You sound like a lovely friend but you can be a good friend and still have boundaries in place.

Also, @TommySaid - you are confusing "boundaries" with "being a wet lettuce & telling lies".

Please don't advice the OP to tell ridiculous lies ("I'm getting a foster child" - ffs!!) & pass it off as having boundaries.

People with boundaries to not need to invent outrageous lies.

Mumsnet raves about etiquette for cancelling plans

not when they’ve shat on you!

I think the first suggestion here is spot on and to the point. Hopefully she will have the good grace to feel embarrassed and not argue.

I also liked your elegant phrase "digestive distress" OP, and am going to use it going forward to deal sensitively with older relatives if required.

You sound nice, I'm sure decent friends await! The last couple of years have not been the best for making new friends, but that is changing now. Good luck. 😊

Give her the same consideration she has given you (and your home) i.e. very little. A simple "I think I'm all visitor-ed out, I just want the house to myself these days".

Or, if you find that a bit difficult could you say you have decided to re-do the spare room as a home gym, a yoga room or something like that and say you are getting rid of the bed?