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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to rescind invite?

233 replies

Embarrassed22 · 09/08/2022 08:51

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

OP posts:
Embarrassed22 · 04/09/2022 12:11

@milkyaqua she stayed once post shit stain as it had been agreed pre-shit. She asked to stay again 3 weeks later and I said no. I don't know what you're all struggling with.

Anyway I have things to be getting on with. I'm going to abandon this thread because the strugglers are becoming tiresome.

Hopefully it won't be outing if the daily fail picks it up.

OP posts:
CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 04/09/2022 12:23

@Embarrassed22 Sigh. Awesome. Apologies that I forgot the date of her last stay versus her asking for this current stay. You’ve asked me to jog on, and obviously it’s your thread, so I’d be happy to. I’ve seen this kind of anger transference several times, so it’s not surprising. Easier to be mad at strangers for a tiny mistake than someone who actually treated you really badly, isn’t it? I get it. It’s okay.

I’m always amazed by this kind of stuff though. The strangers you’re now attacking may have it worse than your friend, yet are trying to give you advice, and genuinely want you to be able to be happy and free of her in your own home. I mean, I’m actually dying, and you told me to jog on. But you don’t want to say anything to someone who shat on your sofa. Ok, OP. I said best of luck, and I meant it. I really do hope it all works out for you.

milkyaqua · 04/09/2022 13:43

Oh, bugger. I misremembered a fact. At least I remember your experience with this woman, whereas you seem to have let it dissolve over the course of the last few days. (That will bite you in the bum.)

It is astonishing you are able to summon this level of aggression for those of us who have really tried to help you in a heartfelt way, having experienced the sort of turmoil trying to put in place a boundary can create when you have been raised to have none.

It is a pity you apparently cannot transfer your aggression into basic assertiveness. (That will also bite you in the bum.)

LookItsMeAgain · 04/09/2022 13:48

CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears · 04/09/2022 12:23

@Embarrassed22 Sigh. Awesome. Apologies that I forgot the date of her last stay versus her asking for this current stay. You’ve asked me to jog on, and obviously it’s your thread, so I’d be happy to. I’ve seen this kind of anger transference several times, so it’s not surprising. Easier to be mad at strangers for a tiny mistake than someone who actually treated you really badly, isn’t it? I get it. It’s okay.

I’m always amazed by this kind of stuff though. The strangers you’re now attacking may have it worse than your friend, yet are trying to give you advice, and genuinely want you to be able to be happy and free of her in your own home. I mean, I’m actually dying, and you told me to jog on. But you don’t want to say anything to someone who shat on your sofa. Ok, OP. I said best of luck, and I meant it. I really do hope it all works out for you.

You said it better than I could @CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears.

@KettrickenSmiled - I'm very sure the OP can look after herself and the situation, yet she repeatedly comes back to her own thread, posts a woe is me comment about how she can't say no, or is caught off guard by this CF who shat on her sofa or at the very least wiped shit on a cushion, yet can't send a simple straightforward message to that person who did that saying that they can't stay in her house any more, thereby stopping any future requests. I should also like to clarify that this advice was offered prior to the CF saw a family member pass away, and yet still the OP felt it was easier to ignore said advice (given by many on the thread) at that point and be 'caught off guard' by the CF colleague.

I will bow out of this thread. It is very clear, having read all of the OP's posts in it, that they do not want an easy way out of the situation and I would even go so far as to suggest that they enjoy the attention, that it is a bizarre enjoyment otherwise this situation would have been knocked on the head months ago.

Oh, I don't kick or mistreat animals. Bubye!

Minimalme · 04/09/2022 16:12

Turns out op is very good at confrontation and harnessing her anger to attack.

Her ability to attack coupled with her superior sense of humanity means she's got this in a way the rest of us can only imagine.

HikingforScenery · 04/09/2022 19:45

Embarrassed22 · 03/09/2022 12:15

I did say no to next week. I didn't give a reason. I just said she couldn't stay on the day she asked, rather than saying she is not allowed to come in my house ever again 'because you shit everywhere, drink alcohol when I'm not comfortable and make me feel uncomfortable with my neighbors'. I certainly wouldn't be calling her a 'dirty bitch' etc like some posters have suggested. Not only because I think that's stooping but because I also have connections with her through work.

I don’t agree with calling her names, etc, just a firm no though.
Well done for saying no to next week. Good first step. Carry on that way.

ToFindNewWays · 04/09/2022 21:56

Minimalme · 04/09/2022 16:12

Turns out op is very good at confrontation and harnessing her anger to attack.

Her ability to attack coupled with her superior sense of humanity means she's got this in a way the rest of us can only imagine.

What?

Myshitisreal · 04/09/2022 22:20

Incredibly bizarre thread with size serious over investment 🤯. Barking orders at someone online... Fucking nuts.

OP stick to your guns. Boundaries but maintaining a civil relationship.

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