How to rescind invite?

[Embarrassed22]

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

She sounds like more than a bit of a CF, OP.

I think your best bet is just to be honest. 'I've found the extra work of your visits is building in terms of cleaning etc and it's becoming stressful. It would probably be best if you booked an air bnb going forward'. I'm sure she'll try to bend your arm as she's a CF but staying firm is in your best interests. It may be uncomfortable at first but I'm sure you'll feel better for it.

Christ, if she can't make her bed or do a bit of washing up wtf is her place like?! Most people are more tidy in other people's homes, not less!!

I have a friend like this, she stayed back when I had a housemate & it drove her mad- didn't even bother folding the duvet up so the sofa could be used and left all of her cups/mugs/cereal bowls on the floor by the sofa and just fecked off for the day. Not even a bottle of wine as a thank you when she left.

It's not just a piss take but a sign of no respect for the host, really.

I bet mumsnet etiquette doesn’t include pooing on peoples toilet seats and sofas. Why are you trying to be polite?!

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee
it‘s her house. She doesn’t want it. She doesn’t have to explain herself or “be flexible” or take amounts into account. It’s her house.

why are boundaries so difficult to respect?

Not if they leave shit stains on cushions!

You know she is probably claiming subsistence allowance from her company for this right?

She rips you off and leaves you her virtual shit in return. You should be seething.

'...I am not sure if you are even aware of the destruction but leaving shit in the toilet and brown stains on a cushion felt very personal towards me so I'm reading the room and won't be able to host you again...'

These (very good) suggested words from @AlisonDonut jumped out at me, because I was already pondering the school of thought that people who leave visible shit and shit stains in toilets and on household furnishings & furniture, and who don't clean it up, know exactly what they're doing.

It's quite worrying.

Some people make friends easily but often just when they need them. Right now I would say one visit was fine, the rest are taking the piss (never mind the 💩 & 🍷).

Keep it short & simple, be like the queen & never complain or explain, but just say really sorry but you are not able to host any visitors. You do not owe an explanation, she may work it out for herself.

If you really are going to host her again, put a sign in the toilet saying clean up your own shit, plastic over the cushions and couch, and give her plastic/training sheets on the bed.

This I wouldn't be stripping her bed and doing her washing. Just say would you mind stripping your bed before you leave? You know where the washing machine is.

This last/next time was agreed before the poo incident so I will stick to what I agreed before calling time. Mumsnet raves about etiquette for cancelling plans etc. And it's only one day. Then next time she messages asking to stay I'll tell her no.

I really think you need to have more respect for yourself than this. If she had been a reasonable guest then canceling on her would be very poor. But you aren’t flaking on her here. You are stopping her from being abusive to you again.

It doesn't sound like losing her as a friend would be a big loss - just tell her no.

Do you have to give an excuse? Can you not just say, 'I won't be able to host you after today.' If she asks why you can be honest and say, 'I just hadn't realised how much extra work it is - washing the bedding, making up the bed, washing up your pots and pans - I must admit I was expecting you to pick up after yourself and feel a bit put upon that you don't. And I just don't feel comfortable with alcohol in the house, but nor do I feel comfortable telling you not to drink it as you have every right to relax as you see fit. So I think I just need a break from hosting for a few months.'

She can be offended if she chooses. I've been staying with a friend recently occasionally due to work - I bring her flowers, clean the bathroom after every use and cook for her.

This friend didn’t flourish quickly, she is using you. No friends are better than a friend like that.

I would love to see the state of her own home. 😂💩

I think this is perfect

Think the wine thing is weird on your part but you're right not to want to clear up after her. Since you're quoting mental health , then say you need your own space for mental health reasons.

This is the best advice, better than mine. It is honest and self protective and she really can't argue with it, but it doesn't involve you having to criticise her.

I think your plan is fine, no criticism.

However just offering another point of view - telling her you need your own space but not telling her any of the issues that made her a terrible guest isn't really helping her is it? You say nobody helped you in the worst moments of your life, I would say telling someone gently but clearly sometjing like this is helping them. I have done this before, it's hard to be up front and honest but actually helps peille by being direct and giving them a chance to improve their social skills because I really struggle to believe someone behaves like that on purpose and not just because they are clueless.

I would not host her again and that would be the end of our friendship, but your threshold might be higher than mine. You’ve already been through enough in your life, and her next visit will likely be the one that pushes you to not speak with her again.

I would just tell her “that won’t work for me.” And if she pushes, “You brought alcohol into my home and left a gross mess last time.”

Me too.

Etiquette - did she give you a thank you present for every stay either your favourite treats, a takeaway etc cos you saved her a alot of Dosh not booking hotels.
"I don't care what you say" = I don't care about your feelings ⛳
Dirtying your home show no respect for you and your kindness.
Don't allow the "next visit".

DO NOT TOUCH HER BED.

Let her find it in whatever state she left it in. Then, when she leaves next time, ask her to strip the bed before she goes "to save me one chore".

I think you’ve taken way too much without letting your voice be heard.

I’m not one for confrontation normally but there are situations where I would speak up - I’d send a text:

’We agreed you would stay on X date and I will keep my end of the bargain - however I am very upset that you left poo all over my toilet and cushions. That’s extremely unpleasant and I’m pretty hurt you would treat my home so disrespectfully. If you are able to behave respectfully in my home, and that includes respecting my no-alcohol rule, then you are welcome. I’m upset that I’ve been put in a position where I’ve had to say this to you, it’s unpleasant all round. ‘

Its not a massive loss if she stops being your friend. She’s likely to become even harder work as time goes on.

This is perfect. No need to make excuses or say “not this time”. You don’t want her as a guest ever again and that’s fine. I can’t imagine putting up with this for a month!

If she whines and wants to know why, tell her in a straightforward unemotional way: you haven’t been a good guest have you? last time you treated me like a servant, didn’t clear up after yourself, drank a whole bottle of wine when you know I don’t have alcohol in the house, and now I’ve decided to keep my home for myself.

OMG, SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!

Who would do this to friends?

Funnily enough, if a guest of mine deliberately flouted my house rules, crapped all over my toilet and didn't clean it up and left skiddies on my cushions, I don't think I'd have any trouble telling them that (a) they're incredibly rude and self-centred (b) they have the personal hygene skills of a two-year old and (c) that it's best that they don't come and get drunk and defecate all over my house again.