How to rescind invite?

[Embarrassed22]

Settle down MNers.

I've had a friend staying intermittently for just over a month as she's had some meetings and things in the area and it's genuinely been nice to see her but it's getting so I just want my home back to being mine and not anticipating her next arrival after a few incidents and most recent visit.

She doesn't tidy up after her self like putting pots in the dishwasher or washing up. Basically treats it like a free hotel. I wash her bedding etc. She doesn't even make her bed never mind strip it.

On her most recent visit I struggled to keep my cool. I normally run a dry house. No alcohol or drugs, and smoking outside if guests feel they must. I'm not an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise but I struggle with the smell for MH reasons. Most people respect that. I allowed her to have a drink in my home a few weeks ago as an exception thinking it would be one glass of wine/beer. She downed a full bottle of plonk. It was a one off, so I thought. But then on her last visit, whilst out on an errand but on way home she 'told me', 'i don't care what you say, tonight I'm having a wine I've had a hard week.' Again the whole bottle was sunk, the mess was left for me to clear up but this time worse. She left poo not just unflushed but stains on the seat of the toilet, and after she'd left in the morning I found ominous brown stains on a sofa cushion. I appreciate people experience digestive distress, but there's bleach spray in the bathroom. She could have cleaned up after herself. I've yet to go check the state of the sheets.

She's due again in a couple of days and I want to make it her last visit. But how can I do it without coming out of it like I'm a dick. I like her as a person but I feel my personal boundaries are being pushed. She normally texts me and asks if she can stay x night. I have no life so I can't feign being busy and have no one else who would be using the spare room.

If you must have her back because you've already agreed, pre-poo discovery...

Pull her up on her slovenly ways whilst she's there ''Oi, friend, clean your crap up from the kitchen/living room/loo' and 'No alcohol, if you want a drink, feel free to stay at the hotel down the road'.

There is NO excuse - I stayed with a friend once and was HORRIBLY ill twice that visit, accidents both ends, mortified I had to wake her at 6am to take me to hospital (I waited til 6, as 3am was just rude!).

I cleaned up everything, not a hint of anything was left! Then we went to hospital, me with a washing up bowl on my lap and i spent 5 hours on IV fluids and morphine.

You say this but this one day is one day too many.

You've also said this:
I think next time will be the last time. Then I'll just say I need my personal space back.

Don't let her stay this time. Just contact her and say something like
"Hi Mary, I know that you're planning on coming to stay overnight on X date but unfortunately, it won't be possible. I'm sorry for the short notice on this but I think it would be best if you find somewhere else to stay that night. Will try and catch up with you soon. All the best, Embarrassed22"
If you're asked why (and she sounds like the type to keep pushing on this) you just say "Well, after the state you left the bathroom, bedroom and living room in, I've decided to stop letting anyone stay over going forwards. I need my space for me."

A real friend does not act like this, OP. Just say no to her staying again - no need to make excuses, let alone lie as some have advised. Just say you need your own space and do not want to host further. She will know exactly why. But if she does persist, then say your boundaries were breached and you are not prepared to make your space available again. If you lose this "friendship", no great loss, is it? In fact as she is no real friend, I would say sayonara to this one anyway. You can do better.

Just say no!

She sounds revolting. Simply say 'Sorry, the workload is proving too much for me so I need some space at the moment and am not having anyone over.' And then keep any further chat on phones non-committal and monosyllabic. She'll get the message.

Are the meetings for work? The reason I ask is that my company pays an overnight allowance if you stop with a friend/family member rather than a hotel. It’s £25 a night if you are eating in, £50 if you go out for a meal. Is she contributing in any way to your costs? Eg buying food, taking you out, paying you? If her company would normally pay for her to be in a hotel, I’d bet they are giving her an allowance per night which she’s pocketing whilst you are doing all the chores and have the expense of an extra person.

If you want to cancel this upcoming visit but are worried about the confrontation, you could tell her you feel lousy (which is true, just not sickness, you feel lousy from the way she’s treated you) and you don’t feel up to visitors, you just want to rest. Then next time she asks about stopping, say no. You don’t have to give a reason - just say that it doesn’t work for you. If you give reasons, she’ll find ways around them. So if she says, “hi, I’m working in your area next Thursday & Friday, am I ok to stop at yours Thursday night?” Simply reply “I’m afraid that doesn’t work for me. Have you tried the Premier Inn/Travelodge?” If she pushes you for a reason, you can choose to tell her the truth, a version of the truth or just make excuses depending on what you feel comfortable doing.

Good luck.

So after her next visit send her a text as you wave her off.

'Dcff, I hope you have a safe journey home, just to let you know I won't be able to offer to host again so please make sure you arrange alternate accommodation next time you're in the area. Speak soon'

She's not a friend. She's a user, if she asks why..

'Because I've found it increasingly hard cleaning after another person and I was upset after having to tidy up after you'd ignored my boundaries re drinking'

Then ignore her

I’d say no as well. She’s disgusting leaving shit on your furniture and toilet.
and you’ve asked her not to drink in your home and she’s ignored that too.

her company will be paying her to travel up covering her food and accommodation.

I wouldn’t feel obligated to her in any way.

Some times it's RIGHT to play the dick card. When she asks to come, text

" Not this time, it doesn't suit me . " You know you over-stepped the boundaries last time."

If she persists, you reply

"You know you
over-stepped the boundaries last time."

If she still persists.asks "how?" you say

" cleaning up your shit was the last straw".

I was about to post the same - she will likely be making money from your hospitality via having a per diem and not having to spend it.
It also does not sound like she is bringing flowers or something else to say thanks either.
It is ok to say no. Hope you do.

It’s hard making those new relationships after the first flush of adulthood, but don’t chase a user as a friend. You’ll have less time (and emotional resources) to find good ones.

I think this is a brilliant statement and so true.

Sounds like your being taken advantage of
you owe her nothing
just say sorry I’ve had a bad week
or sorry I don’t feel well
and sorry she can’t stay
mid she keeps pestering just say sorry i want my own space now
you don’t have to fall out and if she’s such a good friend she’ll get the hint, maybe be disappointed but it’s tough
you've done enough and if she’s a good friend she’ll understand x

Aaaaand. She's left. For the last time. And after the events of today, that I won't be going into because it would be too outing, there will definitely not be any going back.

I may come back for support if it kicks off if/when I do eventually have to say no. I feel a little delicate and insecure after today so I may need to power of mumsnet to get rid of this user.

I need to be prepared to say 'no' face to face now though as her next meeting is with my company (not through my recommendation or encouragement). Any choice phrases for diplomatically and professionally saying no and it being permanent appreciated, then I can be prepared.

Easy. 'Can I stay with you again?'

Reply something like 'So sorry but that's not going to be possible this time, but I can recommend these hotels or maybe an air bnb would be better for you?

Try to avoid going into reasons. They will turn around to bite you at some point & it could get messy. You do not owe her an explanation.

She sounds like a complete nightmare-you must be glad to be rid of her.

You deserve better! Just keep remembering that

Have you given up on the friendship, Embarrassed? Or are you still trying to stop the overnights but maintain the friendship?

@NumberTheory I am quite happy to lose the friendship long term after today, but unfortunately now I need to keep a friendly professionalism in the short term (hopefully only a couple of weeks max).

But while trying to make it clear that my house is no longer her doss space.

“If you’re considering moving here, it’s probably a good time for you to look at rentals in the area. I’ve decided to stop having overnight guests as it’s far too much work when they leave.”

@Fraaahnces she's not moving here. Quite the contrary. But I may slightly paraphrase your second sentence.

Pleased she’s not moving there! Phew!!!

What on earth happened?? Can you give a brief outline?

I can't say what happened but her resulting behaviour became difficult and aggressive. Whilst I appreciate what happened was stressful and the aggression wasn't directed at me it made me uncomfortable and I no longer feel comfortable with her in my personal space.

It's actually made me more anxious about telling her no because of how she behaved.

Those sorts of friendships as adults that flourish quickly tend (in my experience anyway) to be with people who are funny, witty, entertaining, charismatic, warm, engaging, cosy to be with - and again in my experience, people who turn out to be alarmingly personality disordered.

I am sorry you have been treated like this, but it helps recognise the same sort of situation and prevents it occurring again in the future to have such a graphic example of someone who is not good to have in your life closely.

Just a bit too much too soon (friendship flourishing quickly), no respect for your boundaries ("I don't care what you say, I'm having a drink"), overt disrespect and lack of care for your property (literally shitting on your home and hospitality), abnormal guest behaviour (mess, unmade beds, no appreciation or courtesy), and pushy entitled behaviour...

Aggression goes hand in hand with these types. The whole thing sounds really alarming, but at least you have firm evidence to back you up in laying down a hard line to protect yourself from this "friend" now.

I'd build on what you've said here. It's the honest truth and a pretty good reason not to want someone around you. Plus it puts the blame squarely where it belongs; on her.

""Mary', after <incident> happened, you became difficult and aggressive. Whilst I appreciate what happened was stressful and the aggression wasn't directed at me it made me uncomfortable and I no longer feel comfortable with you in my personal space. As a result, in future you will need to find alternative accommodation when you are in my area".

As far as having to see/deal with her in a business context, just behave professionally and don't rise to any bait. If she should say something snarky it will only reflect poorly on her, not you

But I wouldn't tell her face to face. That's just asking for her to argue with you about why her behaviour was excusable and why she should still stay with you. Or even worse, become aggressive with you. Maybe it's the coward's way out, but I'd probably text or email her. I hate confrontations and if she texts or emails a nasty response, you can just ignore her.