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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH examines his family members

205 replies

mercury101 · 08/08/2022 18:23

Is this strange? My DH is a doctor. I am too.

Whenever we go and visit his family, if one of them has a cough or cold they
ask him to bring his stethoscope and to examine them by listening to their chest.

My family have never asked this of me and I don't think ever would. Even if they did, I think I'd ask them to see their own GP anyway.

I find it weird him examining his sister and mother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 08/08/2022 23:44

Not odd. It's human.

elkiedee · 08/08/2022 23:58

My sister is a paediatric consultant. We often ask her for initial quick advice but she has never "examined" them as she is in Stockport/Manchester and we live in London. This would be to ask her if we should be worried, sensible things to do etc. If she said take your son to hospital now we would follow that advice, ditto with a GP appointment, otherwise it's reassurance and practical ideas for dealing with an illness that is hopefully no big deal.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 09/08/2022 00:23

My dad was a surgeon and then a GP. He delivered my younger brother (in a hospital), has stitched up and stuck together pretty much all of us when we were kids, prescribed all our childhood and teenage medications, chased us round the kitchen table with flu jabs etc. Okay, we were in very rural locations so not many other options, but I don't recall there being any issues with him being our official GP.

Retired now, but I'll still send him photos of random rashes and he's always my first port of call before I phone my GP... hence haven't actually needed to see one in years.

I thought that was generally normal behaviour? Most of my relatives are doctors and do the same with their families...

Oinkypig · 09/08/2022 00:35

@Flat04 I do know what you mean about telling people to get xyz checked on hearing symptoms or seeing someone with something wrong. The tricky bit is when it moves to can you just…… do a bit more and have listen/feel. I suppose it’s expert opinion moving to expert advice? Or maybe the other way round? I just know a couple of people really regretting what they though was helpful advice and you make judgment through the lens of your own experiences.

Hawkins001 · 09/08/2022 00:40

mercury101 · 08/08/2022 18:23

Is this strange? My DH is a doctor. I am too.

Whenever we go and visit his family, if one of them has a cough or cold they
ask him to bring his stethoscope and to examine them by listening to their chest.

My family have never asked this of me and I don't think ever would. Even if they did, I think I'd ask them to see their own GP anyway.

I find it weird him examining his sister and mother.

AIBU?

It's health and medical. Besides better someone you know giving their perspectives, rather than another medical person that may be swamped and not have enough time to be as meticulous as your dh, etc

Marvellousmadness · 09/08/2022 00:43

A vaginal exam for your own mum? Bizarre and gross

A listen with a stethoscope to a chest ?
Fine

Yabu

SusanSHelit · 09/08/2022 00:53

My mum is an anp (nurse who can diagnose treat and prescribe) and she gets shown every rash, lump bump and sore bit the family has. Totally normal.

She won't prescribe for us but she'll certainly take a look to see if it needs attention or if it's something that will resolve on its own

CatSeany · 09/08/2022 04:39

I think it's odd. My partner's family are always asking for his medical advice and for him to contact members of the extended family in order to give them medical advice. It's completely inappropriate 90% of the time. Recently it's been "could you call so and so and talk to her about having X done because she doesn't want it" when actually he has no idea as to the specific indications for X and so couldn't give balanced advice anyway. He's started to say no a bit more now. I don't think doctors should ever doctor for their family really, except to signpost to the correct service.

doobydoobydooooo · 09/08/2022 04:43

My mum is a (retired) physio. Try and stop her jabbing her fingers in your leg or neck. 'Sit down and let me look!'

ShandaLear · 09/08/2022 04:50

My sister’s a pharmacist and is quite happy to take a look at a rash or a cut, or listen to me moaning about my ailments, and make some recommendations for treatment (which may include going to the GP). I think that’s normal.

Fairyliz · 09/08/2022 06:56

Doctor? What is this thing you call a doctor?
I thought they werelike a dodo, something that used to exist but certainly doesn’t now.
You certainly never see one anywhere near where I live.

Kanaloa · 09/08/2022 07:01

girlmom21 · 08/08/2022 22:10

I find it strange that people are jumping straight to the "at least he's not a gynaecologist hur hur" 'gag'

If him treating or assessing his only family is fine I don't see why him doing that as a job would be any weirder.

This is why I don't think he should do it at all. When do you refuse? Chest? Stomach? Breasts? Testicles? Prostrate?
When does it stop being ok and start being weird and how do you refuse to check your moms breast lump when you checked your sisters broken collar bone?

You say ‘mum I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching your breasts, I’m sure you under stand. Do you want me to help you make an appointment?’

Why are people acting like because he listened to the coughing of a relative he now won’t be able to refuse sticking his hand up everyone’s bums and fondling their boobs? As far as we are aware he’s never been asked to do any intimate examination. If he is, then op can start another thread and ask if it’s weird and creepy for her husband to examine his mother’s boobs when visiting.

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 07:10

@Kanaloa but if the claim is it's fine because he's just doing his job then that would just be him doing his job too.

He's either professional enough to treat family and patients the same or he isn't.

Rewis · 09/08/2022 07:16

If op would think it's unethical for her husband to treat family members in general or outside their practise. I would get it. But if the main issue is that its creepy for male relative to check a couch? It really is not.

passport123 · 09/08/2022 07:24

mercury101 · 08/08/2022 19:42

Thank you for understanding. I'm shocked that some poster's responses towards me. I respect professional boundaries and I apply those boundaries to family members also.

Show quote history

My family used to ask me to do that. It's BS, you generally get much more information about whether someone with a cold is sick by actually looking at them. He should just say no - or is he the type who likes to feel special and important?

Immaterialatthispoint · 09/08/2022 07:37

@nocoolnamesleft and @LeroyJenkinssss ahhhh the humour. I love it. Nothing beats observing an ortho case meeting.

anyway: what I am most astounded about it the medics on here saying “absolutely not”, the family should get a gp appt. Do you have special access or something? Have you tried to get a gp appt? I’ve got suspected mumps and haven’t even managed a phone call back yet since Friday!

DorisWallis · 09/08/2022 08:05

Kanaloa · 08/08/2022 19:27

What do you think the GMC are going to boot down his door and scream ‘aha! You’re listening to your mum coughing! You’re done for!’

Where does that stop? Can he take his child’s temperature? Look at a blister his friend thinks might be infected? Have a conversation about eczema with his sister?

Show quote history

Don’t be a dick
if they are reported, I didn’t think I’d have to explain that bit 🙄

Sceptre86 · 09/08/2022 08:48

No I don't find it odd but that is because I would and have asked my brother to check my kids ears or chests. I've not asked him to check me over but have asked his advice. My auntie asks me everytime she gets a new medicine in her blister pack about how it works, I don't mind.

MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 10:42

a pp talked about diagnosing a chest infection but not prescribing as fine, what do you do when on a Monday you’ve diagnosed it and by Thursday they still haven’t been seen by their GP? When do you step in?

If you've diagnosed it's serious enough that they need to see a gp within a few days, then if they don't, you'd to step in and get them to a&e or a walk in. Surely having a bit of a quandary is better than just saying, it's unethical for me to examine you and then they can't get seen by a gp for a few weeks and their condition deteriorates and becomes more serious?

Kanaloa · 09/08/2022 11:18

girlmom21 · 09/08/2022 07:10

@Kanaloa but if the claim is it's fine because he's just doing his job then that would just be him doing his job too.

He's either professional enough to treat family and patients the same or he isn't.

It would be inappropriate because it would feel uncomfortable to perform intimate exams on your mother in a personal sense. If you’re not able to understand why that’s uncomfortable then I don’t see how you can add to the conversation to be honest.

But let’s face it op doesn’t really care about professional guidelines of best practice - she was trying to imply it’s in some way creepy/weird. Which it just isn’t unless her husband and his mother are sexually inappropriate with one another, in which case they have so many more issues than a cough.

Kanaloa · 09/08/2022 11:20

DorisWallis · 09/08/2022 08:05

Don’t be a dick
if they are reported, I didn’t think I’d have to explain that bit 🙄

Show quote history

Okay well if op reports her husband to the gmc (which I doubt she will as her issues seem based around it being ‘creepy’ rather than unprofessional) I still doubt they’d come smashing in demanding explanation for him listening to a cough.

Craver · 09/08/2022 11:41

Thank you for this interesting topic.
I am a recently retired GP & Hospital Elderly Care Doctor.
When I started working 30 odd years ago it was considered normal & acceptable for doctors & other HCP to treat their own families. Times change and this is something which has changed. Treatment is far more than a prescription.
General advice & signposting to appropriate services is appropriate. In lifting up a stethoscope you are assuming the "Doctor" role but you do not have access to your relative's full medical records. They may have an existing abnormality which would influence your decision making. You cannot update their medical records with your findings. If you find something ie an abnormal sound what do you do? Presumably advice to call their GP - because you have got involved their GP will treat things differently. The GMC guidance is clear that you do not prescribe for family members unless in exceptional circumstances- presume if you are stuck on a desert island it's ok!
For those who say "oh well, examination is not prescribing" that's correct but what if you miss something or find something sinister you are not expecting.
I admit when I started working as a doctor I did examine family members but for the reasons I have given I would not do now. My stock phrase is "I know I'm a doctor but I'm not your doctor, I don't have your records but if you are concerned it would be appropriate to contact your GP."

DorisWallis · 09/08/2022 11:46

Thank you @Craver eloquently put 👍

MarshaMelrose · 09/08/2022 12:03

If you find something ie an abnormal sound what do you do? Presumably advice to call their GP - because you have got involved their GP will treat things differently.

I don't really understand this way of thinking. If you find an abnormal sound, surely, like you say, you advise going to the gp. If the gp thinks it needs treatment, they'll treat it. They're surely not going to say, your parents a doctor so I'm not going to treat you. And if they don't treat the condition and you think that's,wrong, surely you'd advise them to get a second opinion. But if the concern is that they might be influenced by the doctor relative and give the wrong treatment, then how do any doctors get their children treated?

It sounds like you'd prefer not to examine because, if you found an abnormal sound, then you'd have to do something about it? If your daughter said she had a mole on her back but she'd googled it and thinks it's OK so she's not following it up, would you say righto and leave a possible malignant mole? Or would you cast an eye over it? If you were on holiday and saw a suspicious mole on another holiday maker's back, would you say something or just not get involved.

I understand the ethics about prescribing and longterm treating but avoiding initial exams to determine seriousness because the gp might treat them differently seems weird, when the alternative of not examining might lead to them not seeking necessary treatment at all.

AnnaMagnani · 09/08/2022 12:12

It sounds like you'd prefer not to examine because, if you found an abnormal sound, then you'd have to do something about it? If your daughter said she had a mole on her back but she'd googled it and thinks it's OK so she's not following it up, would you say righto and leave a possible malignant mole? Or would you cast an eye over it? If you were on holiday and saw a suspicious mole on another holiday maker's back, would you say something or just not get involved.

I think you are over-estimating how skilled a lot of doctors are at looking at moles!

I have had absolutely no training in looking at a mole since medical school, it's not part of my work. OK so if it was a raging melanoma I'd be OK but all the subtle stuff in between, no bloody way.

If your family member asks you as a doctor to look at a mole, and examining moles is not part of your day job, you need to be upfront that a mole needs looking at by an expert, not yourself and not Google.