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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in women’s changing rooms (NOT trans)

425 replies

DelisButAlsoCrime · 07/08/2022 19:55

I genuinely don’t know if I am being unreasonable here or not.

I went swimming with DS today, and arriving at the same time of us was a mini bus with 8 adults - 7 men, one woman. It was fairly obvious that most of the males were disabled, not quite as severe as Down’s Syndrome but similar. The woman and one of the men were caring for them. All but one of the men went with the male carer to the men’s changing room, but the female and one of the men went, just ahead of me, into the female dressing room. The woman actually held the door open for me but I kind of did a double take and held back. I thought about going to reception and asking them but decided not to. When I went in they had gone into one of the private cubicles. However, they did come out before I was ready and the man came around the corner and was looking quite obviously into the open changing spaces.

AIBU to be uncomfortable with this? I don’t know if there is a disabled changing room at my gym because this would be the obvious answer if he needed to be specifically with the female carer.

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 07/08/2022 19:56

YANBU. Absolutely inappropriate.

Bellyups · 07/08/2022 19:58

YANBU

EnjoyingTheSilence · 07/08/2022 19:58

Completely wrong. He should have been in the male changing rooms

HermioneWeasley · 07/08/2022 20:00

Completely inappropriate

Original poster
DelisButAlsoCrime · 07/08/2022 20:04

I do wish I had said something now. I really am not someone who would shy away from saying something ordinarily but caring for disabled adults is such a difficult job and I didn’t want to look like I had no empathy.

OP posts:
DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 20:11

I'm not sure what the issue you have is with this

Ratios, maybe it can only be 1:5 therefore the woman had to take one of the men with her

Maybe there are facilities in the woman's changing room that are different to the mens and that particular individual needed them.

Maybe she is this particular man's primary carer

I'm baffled by some of the crap some on here are offended by

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 20:13

Maybe there are facilities in the woman's changing room that are different to the mens and that particular individual needed them.
Hmm

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 20:14

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 20:13

Maybe there are facilities in the woman's changing room that are different to the mens and that particular individual needed them.
Hmm

In my local leisure center there are hoists in the female changing cubicles for example

Not in the mens

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 07/08/2022 20:15

He should have been in the men's or some alternative. It's not only disrespectful of women using the women's, it's disrespectful to the disabled man, taking him into the women's like he was a child.

Original poster
DelisButAlsoCrime · 07/08/2022 20:15

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 20:11

I'm not sure what the issue you have is with this

Ratios, maybe it can only be 1:5 therefore the woman had to take one of the men with her

Maybe there are facilities in the woman's changing room that are different to the mens and that particular individual needed them.

Maybe she is this particular man's primary carer

I'm baffled by some of the crap some on here are offended by

I mean the issue is that it’s a single sex changing room, for women, and there was a man in there.

All of those things you listed are possibilities but that doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to be uncomfortable.

OP posts:
DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 20:16

@DelisButAlsoCrime

You're entitled to be uncomfortable

And I'm entitled to think you're being ridiculous

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 20:19

Why are women feeling uncomfortable encountering males in spaces they expect to be female only always dismissed as ridiculous?
Almost like there's an agenda here... 🤔

Redbone · 07/08/2022 20:19

YANBU. I work with young adults with learning disabilities. Each client would have a helper of the same sex in this situation.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 20:20

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 20:16

@DelisButAlsoCrime

You're entitled to be uncomfortable

And I'm entitled to think you're being ridiculous

So where do you draw the line? How about if a male carer had gone whilst there was also bunch of pre-pubescent girls on a school swimming lesson? Would that be ok?

Considering OP hasn't suggested the man was disabled in a way that requires a hoist it's fair to assume you're the one being ridiculous.

DandyLandy · 07/08/2022 20:20

Johnnysgirl · 07/08/2022 20:19

Why are women feeling uncomfortable encountering males in spaces they expect to be female only always dismissed as ridiculous?
Almost like there's an agenda here... 🤔

Why are some women feeling uncomfortable.

There will be a reason for this, hardly the same as a random man coming in and just deciding to change in there

Sunnyqueen · 07/08/2022 20:24

Not appropriate, it's up to the care staff to ensure ratios will be covered effectively on outings

DOBARDAN · 07/08/2022 20:26

YANBU

I'd have felt very uncomfortable in that situation
If it was known by the carers that one of the men was going to be looked after by a woman carer on their swimming trip, they should've made appropriate arrangements with the pool staff to avoid the situation you described.
It isn't fair on the women and girls who were in the changing room at the time

CrossStichQueen · 07/08/2022 20:28

There will be a reason for this,

It doesn't matter what the reason is!!
An adult male should not be in the female changing room.
If the facility fails to have appropriate disabled facilities then thats on them.

gogohmm · 07/08/2022 20:30

If there were no separate facilities for disabled/family groups and there was no female carer what would suggest - a woman changing in the mens? It's not ideal but you would rather she not be able to swim it seems. Dp's dd has profound ld's, most her carers are female but on occasions for holiday/sickness cover she has a male for 1:1 and it might be swimming day.

Smartish · 07/08/2022 20:33

An adult male took his daughter into the ladies changing room and got offended when I asked him to leave as he was (understandably) making my 10 year old feel very uncomfortable. He ranted at me before leaving. He couldn't see the issue.
You are not being unreasonable and anyone who says differently is ridiculous.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 20:34

gogohmm · 07/08/2022 20:30

If there were no separate facilities for disabled/family groups and there was no female carer what would suggest - a woman changing in the mens? It's not ideal but you would rather she not be able to swim it seems. Dp's dd has profound ld's, most her carers are female but on occasions for holiday/sickness cover she has a male for 1:1 and it might be swimming day.

But there was a male carer

Original poster
DelisButAlsoCrime · 07/08/2022 20:35

gogohmm · 07/08/2022 20:30

If there were no separate facilities for disabled/family groups and there was no female carer what would suggest - a woman changing in the mens? It's not ideal but you would rather she not be able to swim it seems. Dp's dd has profound ld's, most her carers are female but on occasions for holiday/sickness cover she has a male for 1:1 and it might be swimming day.

The reverse situation though for your DP’s DD would be the male carer taking her into the men’s changing room though - it was a female carer in the female changing room in this instance. Would your DP be comfortable with his DD in a male changing room, and think that was affording her sufficient dignity?

OP posts:
CrossStichQueen · 07/08/2022 20:39

If there were no separate facilities for disabled/family groups and there was no female carer what would suggest - a woman changing in the mens

Strawman.

There was a male support worker present so no reason why the adult male should be in the female changing room.
As most people with disabilities or parents/carers of those with disabilities we do our research. There are 2 swimming baths local to me 1 does not have adequate separate facilities for me to change 14 yo DS so I didn't take him there as he can't change alone in the men's and its not fair on women or him to change in the females. I took him yo one that could meet his needs and not meant he changed in the female facilities.

BloodyCamping · 07/08/2022 20:40

I understand you feeling uncomfortable and yes you should have spoken up. The man she was supporting was possibly requiring 1:1 support, while the other men had shared support, which is a totally different type of care with different financial arrangements. The lady/man should have been offered disabled facilities, however these don’t always exist, making getting changed problematic. The facility has an obligation to ensure people with disabilities have access but the solution shouldnt compromise women.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/08/2022 20:40

I'm not sure what the issue you have is with this

How could anyone not understand the problem with a bloke in the ladies changing room? Unless PP is taking the piss they are clearly missing something pretty fundamental.

@DandyLandy Do you understand that OP is describing a big room where women take their clothes of to get changed? Why do you think those rooms are separated for the two sexes in the first place?