Who is in this wrong in this situation re diary

[Theresnolimit505]

At my parents' house with a boyfriend of a few months and in my old room. We come across my old diary in which I wrote a ton of hideously cringy things as you do when you're a teenager. Very personal stuff too.
He wanted to read it but I said I'd prefer him not to. He was insisting he read it and wrestling it off me.
In the end he gave up and went to the toilet. Whilst he was out, I ripped out the two most embarrassing pages in my eyes.
He came back and said can I read it now? So I said ok then..he opened it and noticed the 2 ripped out pages and went mad.
Saying, "If you lie about this, it makes me wonder what else you lie about?"
Who was in the wrong here? Surely I have a right to privacy

Literally everything about this post would have me running from you as fast as I could go.

Tell that to Anne Frank.

@ulteriorbread

The only people I have ever known to have a diary have been those children who had no friends.

Most have humans they tell their feelings to. Those who don't tend to turn to paper

Your posts across the site the last day or so are all nasty, batshit or both.

Do you just get a kick out of trying to make people feel shit?

It's bizarre.

Firstly that they're immature enough to even keep a diary (let's fact it, it's a certain type of person who uses them) and secondly that they're so funny about what's in there

She was a teenager!

Let's face it, it's a certain type of person who thinks it's in any way acceptable to someone to demand to read someone else's diary when they don't want them to...

Regardless of the reason, if you couldnt/or felt you couldnt just say no to him then the relationship is not worth pursing. Life is too short.

Nah… he was a bastard if you read his diary. No need to give a pass on that one.

While I agree with you in theory, this may be a bad example as she was very lonely and isolated from people her own age.

The bread with different motives is very obviously on a wind up.
Had lots of friends as a teenager. Also went through four or five notebooks in a diary format/poems/quotes etc.
Would not really care if my partner wanted to read them but if I did care and he pushed against my wishes, that would leave me feeling wary.

Agree it’s a big red flag for the boyfriend.

I sort of see ulteriorbread’s point. I wouldn’t think of it as a flag (which, to me, indicates something anyone should be concerned about) but a partner who can’t distance themself from their childhood self enough to share a diary is probably not going to be the sort of person I’m going to gel with long term. It’s a bit judgmental and intolerant to think that childhood actions and recordings are a poor reflection on your current self, rather than a document of your journey towards adulthood. (This supposes the reasons for not sharing are about it being “cringey” rather than about it recording something serious that you haven’t yet shared.). I don’t think I’m going to get on with someone in the mid-to-long term who can’t laugh at themself as a child and accept how human that fumbling immaturity makes us.

Two pages in a diary could be an incident or experience that the OP is simply embarrassed about. Or it could be a very painful traumatic memory that she is not yet ready to share with a partner of only a few months.

Either way OP, his reaction is very concerning and if he does not realise that and sincerely apologise, I’d be reconsidering this relationship.

@NumberTheory maybe it’s not something to laugh about? OP has only been with her boyfriend for a few months. She may not be ready to share this sort of detail with him. The relationship might not be that serious yet.

I love the way all those friendless people have taken ulteriorbread into their confidence about their diaries.

Well OP, I hope you did show that jerk the door.

I sort of see ulteriorbread’s point. I wouldn’t think of it as a flag (which, to me, indicates something anyone should be concerned about) but a partner who can’t distance themself from their childhood self enough to share a diary is probably not going to be the sort of person I’m going to gel with long term. It’s a bit judgmental and intolerant to think that childhood actions and recordings are a poor reflection on your current self, rather than a document of your journey towards adulthood. (This supposes the reasons for not sharing are about it being “cringey” rather than about it recording something serious that you haven’t yet shared.). I don’t think I’m going to get on with someone in the mid-to-long term who can’t laugh at themself as a child and accept how human that fumbling immaturity makes us.

There's a lot of assumptions here, that the information is just "cringey", that they can't laugh at themselves? that they are judgemental and intolerant because they think it reflects on their current self? All sounds very hard work to be honest. Because someone wants to keep a private diary ... private? Would you say the same about an adults diary?

Are you in highschool 🤣🤣
Maybe its time to break up with your lover hun... red flags EVERYWHERE

It's really awful that he's insisted in reading something so personal and private. I see this as such a big red flag that isn't to be ignored. You have a right to privacy. It isn't secrecy. It's privacy. He should respect that.

My diaries were private when I wrote them 20- however many years ago. They are just as private now. Although I've mainly destroyed them.

They also had info about the sexual abuse I suffered so like fuck would I let a boyfriend of 'a few months' read them.

And FWIW I had tons of friends. Certainly wasn't lonely. I just liked keeping a diary. and was obsessed with Anne Frank so wanted to do something she had done

He was very wrong. It’s kind of an a par with the “How many people have you slept with?” question.

@sausage767

If you read my post you would notice that I did put in a caveat about serious things that happened that you haven’t yet shared.

To be fair, reading it again I’m probably over reaching in saying I’d be put off. I wouldn’t have gone past a BF/GF saying “I’d rather you didn’t.” Which I’d have respected, assuming it meant there was good reason. It’s the idea that she was just trying to hide cringey stuff that I would find unattractive. But OP doesn’t say that.

And I do think the important bit here is that the BF had no respect for the OP when she said no, coerced her into sharing something she didn’t want to and when she put a small boundary in place he accused her of lying, which is pretty controlling.

BIG RED FLAG.

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Break up with him. He sounds really fucked up. He doesn't have any right to your past thoughts.

A diary is private and written at the time when you a teenager. No one has right to read it but you. I reread my teenager diary ten years after I wrote them then burnt them as that stage had gone but the act of writing the diary helped me understand the teenage years. Red flag re that boyfriend and I'd be very careful now

here is an acceptable conversation

Him: oh, your diary, we should read it.
you: no
him: oh, come on, don’t you think it would be hilarious to read your teenage musings? <this is said in a very lighthearted tone>
you: gosh no, and definitely not with company.
him: ok,
him: I can’t believe your parents left your posters up on the wall……

and the conversation moves on. Because a decent guy might mention the idea because he does think you might find it enjoyable, but the second you disagree, he should back off and respect your privacy.

that you felt pressured into redacting the diary and handing it over is really concerning.

Aren't teenagers immature by definition? Teenagers are allowed to be immature, it's in the job description.

Also, what woman wants her adult partner reading all the silly things she wrote as a teenage girl and using those private writings to ridicule or criticise her? Deceptive and secretive? Eh?

Dump him now. Horrible behaviour

This is an easy one OP, put this "boyfriend of a few months" back in the bin. Save yourself the years/months/days of trauma. You ripping out the pages shows you know he doesn't respect your wishes and you're willing to destroy your childhood possessions to placate him. Him being "mad" that he didn't control, you in exactly the way he wanted you to shows this is the start and there'll be more. Some people are trash and they show themselves early