Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

It depends. I hate being late, yet usually find myself being anywhere between 5-30 minutes late for meet ups with friends and family. I plan and plan and plan and get ready early, but then usually something will happen that will throw me off (usually my children! Either having a longer nap than normal, and then being rushed to do teeth/get changed/sort nappies etc)
If I'm driving it's usually traffic or I've miscalculated the time it will take to drive somewhere/parking!

It's definitely not that I don't respect their time (I've had people in the past who clearly see their time as more important and have kept me waiting etc and I think it's the height of rudeness!).

On the flip side, I cannot bear it when people are early! I think people being early is just as rude (if not more rude) than being late, especially if we're meeting at my house. It's a pain if you're still getting food ready or getting yourself ready and someone arrives early

I run my own business, part of which means people having a specific time to see me. I have zero tolerance to lateness unless there is an extremely good reason. My fairly extortionate fees will not be reduced if you miss part of a session, and neither will I carry on later even if I don't have another client immediately after. One or two clients have somehow thought that their persistent lateness was cute or appealing. No, it's not.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze
I do think though up to half an hour late for cafe is fine

It wouldn't be fine with me!
It's only fine if you tell the person who you are making the arrangement with. You can't just assume it's fine with someone else.
If I've had to hurry to get somewhere on time then it's bloody annoying when the other person can't be bothered making the effort.

its hard to say how long I would wait - it’s very dependent on the situation/ context. I’ve waited over an hour before, and often the same people (my sister is late for everything, but it’s part of who she is and what I love about her - completely on another planet most of the time!).

But although the lateness doesn’t bother me, someone lying to me would! If someone started fobbing me off and kept telling me that they’d be there in 5 mins and then showed up an hour later I’d be annoyed (unless it wasn’t in their control - eg tube stuck in tunnel). I’d find that really disrespectful as it wastes my time. If they said at the start “sorry. I’ll be an hour late” I’d happily go and do something else - in fact I’ve had some fab experiences when waiting for people.

I used to be consistently late for social things (not for work or the hobby I used to do which was a team sport). I think the reason was I used to be overly optimistic about a) how quickly I could get ready and b) how quickly I could get there (invariably on the tube in London). I'm much much better at it now, and one reason I think is smartphone apps - I have a terrible sense of direction so Google maps helps no end with that (as in I could have a map but invariably walk the wrong way down the street - seeing the blue dot moving live on the app alerts me to this much sooner), and then things like Citymapper which help me guauge how long the journey will take more accurately. In my case my lateness was never about being disorganised or distracted, or not thinking my friends' time was important, I'm very organised, but really do have a terrible sense of direction. I think I probably therefore managed to be on time for work / sport by comparison because it was the same journey each time so actually knew how long it took / didn't require so much getting ready time.

So those are just my reasons for being late. Fully appreciate that's really really annoying for people I was meeting, and it was never because I didn't care, and really used to stress me out.

But to add, I really wouldn't mind if someone was say up to about 20 ish mins late to meet me, they wouldn't get even a hint of frostiness from me, and I would hope for the same in return, so maybe there are two different types of people in this world - ie those who anything more than a couple of minutes (I'm talking about as a matter of course, not some sort of exceptional emergency) annoys them, and those who allow a much longer grace period (within reason - but then what is reasonable?).

ADHD. Time blindness. Optimism.

I wouldn’t typically befriend people that get uptight about that kind of thing. My friends tend to be similar to me (not by design).

I have a few friends who are always late. It is massively rude. If they have some underlying issue, then they are hiding it well.

We have a hobby that lasts an hour, and often they turn up 30-45 mins late. Why bother?

I have a rule that I don't wait for them. I will wait 10-15 mins for others, but not them. I will go in, go ahead, order and get on with it. They often turn up during dessert. We are glad they came, but their tardiness is their problem.

I can't abide lateness.

I've had too many people in my family/friendship circles etc who are firmly in the "my time is worth more than yours" camp (my DH family, a few uni friends etc). You can spot these types a mile off, because a) they are perfectly on time when it's something they care about b) they swiftly improve if you don't put up with it.

My strategy with this type of person is simple.

I don't wait. I'm not going to be cross or pissed or call them on it, but if you aren't on time for dinner, I go ahead and happily order/eat without you. If you aren't on time meeting at the start of the walk/ride etc, I set off without you. I tend to make plans with people like this on a basis of "I am doing x, if you would like to join me great", but knowing I will be doing it anyway and won't be inconvenienced if they are late.

I have one friend who's lateness I tolerate. She has a disabled kid, its really unpredictable for her how long it will take to get out, and her DC can't really hang around waiting easily so she cant just plan in extra time and get places early. With her I focus on asking how I can help so she has less on her plate to think about/do. E.g. do they want a lift, can I collect or print the tickets for her, would she like me to order or get her a drink for when she arrives.

Definitely a divided topic and thank you for the tips and insight for those willing to share!

I used to be notoriously late, family used to do the old trick "tell her half an hour beforehand" I was so bad. And it was 100% down poor time management and no preparedness for unexpected event. This can be learnt!

Now I'm totally different because my DH was irritated by it when we were dating and I bucked up my ideas! Now I give myself even more time now I have a 10 month old son.

And how much more enjoyable is getting ready for any event when you're relaxed, maybe even having a wee drink (night time event!) and leisurely getting ready than flapping about like a mad woman!

If my DH told me to buck my ideas up I'd tell him where to shove his wee drink

Ha! I was waiting for the LTB comments. He definitely didn't tell me to "buck up my ideas" I'm saying that's what I did following a conversation with him.

I'm often late, and it drives me mad, to be honest I really struggle to feel like I'm meeting any sort of level of competency so I give things too much time to feel like I've atleast tried, and I pack my days out quite heavily, so it does lead to generally being late.
I'm always apologetic, but its an ongoing joke amongst friends now, oh don't expect blizzardbeach to be on time! She was 45 minutes late to her own wedding!!

Yes, I think I have ADHD but while I can be friends with people who have conversations meandering everywhere, I can't deal with time blindness and optimists.

someone mentioned upthread about a room with no clocks. I am obsessed with clocks, I love them. I can't wear my watch in summer as it itches and I find that really hard.

I'm another person with ADHD who was diagnosed after a sudden revelation following a Mumsnet thread about irritating late people.

I can generally be on time if it's a regular event and I can follow a routine, so I can manage work with blips around school holidays, changes in start times by and so on. My boss was more understanding about my time blindness when she caught she me arriving at work an hour early because I'd read the clock wrong on a couple of occasions and realised that I really was just very bad with time.

@RightMessUp so we know who camp you fall into! I would just get a book out or do some writing. Doesn’t bother me! I wouldn’t be late for a friend I know values punctuality as an indication of godliness or for an acquaintance or work thing but generally my friendship group are quite chilled as long as we keep communicating with each other. Usually we’ll say “I’ve got here, am at the back with a book so see you when I see you.” I wouldn’t read anything into lateness. Maybe that’s why I have the same best friends as when I was eleven. No-one else will put up with us. Seems really easy to break friendships these days 🤣

I do school bus times I cant be late. I made that clear to my friend. So she alot better.

And how much more enjoyable is getting ready for any event when you're relaxed, maybe even having a wee drink (night time event!) and leisurely getting ready than flapping about like a mad woman!

Ah, @scoobycute, how I wish I knew what this felt like!

How lovely to have such chilled and mellow friends who aren't bothered by time keeping. Quite a few of my friends work and we are generally quite busy with chores, kids or gym classes or whatever so maybe that's why we wouldn't normally turn up late when we've agreed a time to meet up.

There is a big difference to having a relaxed loose arrangement to meet up and actually being 'late' for an appointment.

@scoobycute I'm not telling you to LTB. We should all do what we like. I told you what I do with friends who are late and said I am often late too. I also talked about people who like my husband are a little too hung up on being early. You asked for advice, didn't you? Perhaps you missed it.

Awh no @limitedperiodonly I appreciated your advice!

My late friends arrive anywhere from 30mins to 3 hours late. One once arrived at my birthday dinner (7.30pm) at 10pm.

I lie to them about time. 6pm start? I say 4.30.

It's the only thing that works.

Previous posters have mentioned ADHD, but I'll also throw anxiety into the ring: As much as I love seeing my friends, sometimes I'm genuinely nervous about leaving the house and being around people! I have to psyche myself up beforehand, and often find myself doing "just one more thing" until I'm ready.

@RightMessUp We all have senior professional jobs and kids. We just know what’s important in life 🤷‍♀️ And if you’re too much of a child to read for 20 minutes or occupy yourself, or get too caught up in overinflated feelings of pride about what your time is worth, then that’s just sad and likely symptomatic of people who turnover a good number of mates and don’t have deeper friendship connections. That seems to be a running theme of a lot of time-keeping complainers on this thread.

I’ve actually said several times on my posts when’s good to be on time. I’m referring to casual meet ups which a lot of people here schedule like a prison guard. Yeah if it’s the evening and you’re waiting on your lonesome in a bar but if it’s a casual coffee meet up with no activity scheduled, you’re fine,

After being "understanding" and spending many, many hours of my life uselessly sitting around waiting for people who cannot manage their time, one day I decided i would just not bother with them anymore. My life is much nicer and I can get many more things done now that I have friends who make an effort to be punctual and respect my time as much as I respect theirs.

I understand that for some people it is impossible not to be late, but it's not my responsibility to have to pay for that. They can simply be friends with other people who cannot be on time and annoy the hell out of one another. I can't be arsed. Life's too short.