Calling all LATE PEOPLE

[scoobycute]

Have a few genuine questions for people who are consistently late...(not strictly an AIBU thread)

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

I'm really struggling with a late friend these days and just don't know if/how to address it. She is the sweetest girl ever but her time keeping is shocking and usually has me frustrated by the time she arrives thus setting the get-together off to a bad start.

[tigger1001]

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze

@RightMessUp We all have senior professional jobs and kids. We just know what’s important in life 🤷‍♀️ And if you’re too much of a child to read for 20 minutes or occupy yourself, or get too caught up in overinflated feelings of pride about what your time is worth, then that’s just sad and likely symptomatic of people who turnover a good number of mates and don’t have deeper friendship connections. That seems to be a running theme of a lot of time-keeping complainers on this thread.

I’ve actually said several times on my posts when’s good to be on time. I’m referring to casual meet ups which a lot of people here schedule like a prison guard. Yeah if it’s the evening and you’re waiting on your lonesome in a bar but if it’s a casual coffee meet up with no activity scheduled, you’re fine,

It's no about being "too much of a child" to occupy yourself for 20 minutes etc. it's about respecting that persons feelings about being constantly late. And the knock on effect it has.

I get anxious if someone is late. Just like other posters have described how anxious they are about getting there on time. Why is that seen as less important? Why should someone occupy themselves because someone else is always running late?

And even if it's a coffee - I have other things to do afterwards so it does matter.

[tigger1001]

@aurynne

After being "understanding" and spending many, many hours of my life uselessly sitting around waiting for people who cannot manage their time, one day I decided i would just not bother with them anymore. My life is much nicer and I can get many more things done now that I have friends who make an effort to be punctual and respect my time as much as I respect theirs.

I understand that for some people it is impossible not to be late, but it's not my responsibility to have to pay for that. They can simply be friends with other people who cannot be on time and annoy the hell out of one another. I can't be arsed. Life's too short.

Agreed.

Took me a while to get there, but I am much happier now I don't sit around constantly waiting for others to show up, as my friends are all (with the exception of the odd emergency) on time and all will text if bus late etc.

It made me too anxious. And made social engagement a chore not a pleasure.

[balalake]

Even worse than lateness in my opinion are those companies who definitely fall into the 'at our convenience' attitude to timekeeping. Modern technology means this is not necessary. Parcel companies, medical 'appointments' etc.

Margaret Thatcher's policies and ideas were awful but one thing I did agree with her on is being on time.

[itsgettingweird]

It annoys me because I'm the type of person who if someone says "meet at 7pm" will time it so that I arrive at 6.45pm and then factor traffic or parking issues it.

I generally only do this for meeting friends in public.

But I'm also not so strict with myself for all occasions. So going to dads is leave enough time because we are very much a 10 minutes either side family.

It does annoy me when people are consistently late but having a ds with autism who can only compute "leaving at 8" as 'start putting socks and shoes on at 8' I'm aware some people genuinely do have ND that makes this extremely difficult and stressful for them.

I had one particular friend who I allowed the friendship to fizzle out with because her constant lateness was always just about her not actually giving a shit. We'd plan to take kids to beach and she'd text me 5 minutes after arrival time to say "just popping to Asda for picnic food and get kids beach clothes I'll text you when I'm ready to leave"

Or

Sorry - so and so phoned and I was on the phone for an hour.

I always just went for the time arranged as was happy in ds company and would always wait at least half hour after text to even reply.

After a whole of this I'd also leave after a decent time for ds and I and she'd get annoyed because her kids hadn't done everything. I'd always just say "stay with yours then" but she just wouldn't and somehow tried to blame her kids then being upset on me and ds (can you see why I let it slip away?!)

I do t think mentioning it is a bad thing. It's how you say it rather than what you say. So maybe something like "I notice you're always 30 minutes late. Is 7pm too early for you and shall we make it 7.30 in future?" Or "I notice you're struggling to be on time for our meetings. Is there anything I can do to help you be on time?"

That way if it's ND they may suggest things like texting to prompt and if it is just not actually thinking it matters you've pointed it out to them and they are aware.

[IneffableGenderFairy]

It is hard to understand how others brains work, isn't it?

My ADHD symptoms have got worse as I get older. If I look at the clock, and it isn't the time I think it is, the clock makes NO SENSE to me. I actually don't believe the clock, and my brain kind of wipes it out.

It's worse with analogue clocks, for some reason.

The only time I experienced that when younger was when I was very jet-lagged, but now it's all the time.

[LadyScouse]

I do think though up to half an hour late for cafe is fine

No, it's not. When I meet someone for coffee, I usually allow 1-1.5 hours for it. If you turn up late, I am still sticking to that. It's not OK to sit there for half an hour in a coffee shop and wait for someone. For me, 10-15 mins is ok and anything after that is rude.

[JustJustWhy]

I've been late for maybe two things in my life!

I was only thinking about this last weekend. I was flying out to see a friend overseas and in the morning, before my taxi came, I had a running itinerary in my head. I knew that I had to straighten my hair early on to give the straighteners time to cool down for example and this running list of what order I had to do things in allowed me to be on time. My daughter has ADHD and there is no way she could have such an organised mental list or even a physical one! It's like her brain holds one or two pieces of time sensitive information at a time.

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

@tigger1001 I would never keep someone waiting if I knew it made them anxious. I have one friend who takes lateness very personally so I’m not late for her either. It’s more that this is my personal view and some friends get that and some don’t. Would never keep someone waiting hours. If it’s a casual coffee date or family meet up, tend to keep in constant comms since the night before/morning with both sides explaining what’s occurring e.g. so and so won’t nap or poo explosion. That’s why with family meet ups we tend to organise activities we can crack on with until friends arrive or organise coffee dates I can chill out with waiting. I just don’t think it’s hard to be accommodating.

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

@LadyScouse crikey.

[gannett]

What is it generally that makes you late? (e.g no time awareness of how long things/travel takes, being slow at tasks, poor planning??)

Poor planning, misplaced optimism re: how long it takes to do various tasks, tendency to remember 100 things that need doing at the last minute. The other day I was 45 minutes late to meet people because the work I needed to finish took longer than expected, then I couldn't find the top I was going to wear (and spent too much time looking for the sodding thing instead of just grabbing another one immediately), then I remembered I'd promised DP I'd water the plants and hasn't done it yet, then had to send a quick email I'd have otherwise forgotten, then couldn't decide whether I needed to take a jacket or not, then as I was leaving the house had to run back in because I'd forgotten my water bottle.

When I have to catch a train or a flight I prep a lot of those things the night before and clear my schedule beforehand so I'm not trying to cram 100 things into the hour before I have to leave, but it's not possible to apply that level of organisation every time I leave the house.

Would you be offended if a friend pulled you up on your lateness? (Consistent 15-30mins late per social meeting say, not the odd 5mins)

No, but I'm always very apologetic (my phone auto-predicts the phrase "sorry just running 15 minutes late sorry") and most of my friends are also habitually late people, we flock together.

Do you get annoyed when you have a friend that "out-lates" you? Or do you just accept that time isn't an issue?

Relieved more like. Like when you hear someone smash a glass at a party and think, thank god that wasn't me.

[GeekyThings]

I'm always slightly early for things, usually by around 10 minutes. I do have a couple of friends who I've had for years who have always been consistently late for everything. My friendship group used to try and amount for this by telling them everything started an hour earlier than it did, but I'm not sure if they knew because they'd still be late, even when we did that!

What I've done for the last 10 years now is I take the pressure off them and everyone else by only inviting them to things that aren't strictly timed (so we don't go to see a movie or a show together); and if we do go somewhere like a restaurant where there's a booking I'll only meet up with them in a group, so I'm not sitting on my own, and we start without them, which they're fine with and they understand. I also don't meet up with them when I've got further plans in the day because I'll get annoyed if them being late cuts into my time to get other stuff done.

I find this works really well, no one gets stressed out or upset with each other. The friends who are always late don't have any special needs considerations, and it probably is in part that they don't consider something that isn't work to be something that they strictly need to be on time for. They've also both admitted to just timing things badly, like making a cup of tea 10 minutes before they're supposed to leave, even they clearly won't be able to drink a piping hot cup of tea in 10 minutes! That can be annoying for other people, but if you do workarounds like we have it doesn't matter so much.

There is a caveat though - I think having two friends who are like this is enough, and if I made a new friend outside of this long-standing friendship group and it turned out they were consistently late, I would be unlikely to carry on being friends with them and I'd go back to being acquaintances only. It is a lot of extra work for me to try and accommodate my late friends already, and I wouldn't want a second group or person where I have to put in that much extra effort.

But if you feel your friend is worth the effort then maybe try similar tactics to the ones I've mentioned above - it'll take the pressure off both of you, and also it'll be easier if you do decide to talk about it because you can reassure her that this is the reason you've made these accommodations, which she'll probably appreciate!

[tigger1001]

@LadyScouse

I do think though up to half an hour late for cafe is fine

No, it's not. When I meet someone for coffee, I usually allow 1-1.5 hours for it. If you turn up late, I am still sticking to that. It's not OK to sit there for half an hour in a coffee shop and wait for someone. For me, 10-15 mins is ok and anything after that is rude.

Totally agree. I have had to leave half hour after a friend arrived (as they were 40 minutes late) as I had other stuff to do.

I work full time, am studying and have 2 kids. Time is precious so constantly waiting around for others has an impact.

[tigger1001]

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze

@tigger1001 I would never keep someone waiting if I knew it made them anxious. I have one friend who takes lateness very personally so I’m not late for her either. It’s more that this is my personal view and some friends get that and some don’t. Would never keep someone waiting hours. If it’s a casual coffee date or family meet up, tend to keep in constant comms since the night before/morning with both sides explaining what’s occurring e.g. so and so won’t nap or poo explosion. That’s why with family meet ups we tend to organise activities we can crack on with until friends arrive or organise coffee dates I can chill out with waiting. I just don’t think it’s hard to be accommodating.

I get that.

But many on here seem to think it's ok not to be in contact and just expect others to hang around waiting. It's like they are saying their time is more valuable than mine. And I should be grateful that they actually turned up. Have actually experienced (several times - same so called friend) that they decided not to turn up but didn't bother letting me know. And it's always "oh something came up" - code for something else I would prefer to do came up -was never an emergency.

I've cut these types out of my life - and I'm much happier for it.

[RightMessUp]

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze

@RightMessUp We all have senior professional jobs and kids. We just know what’s important in life 🤷‍♀️ And if you’re too much of a child to read for 20 minutes or occupy yourself, or get too caught up in overinflated feelings of pride about what your time is worth, then that’s just sad and likely symptomatic of people who turnover a good number of mates and don’t have deeper friendship connections. That seems to be a running theme of a lot of time-keeping complainers on this thread.

I’ve actually said several times on my posts when’s good to be on time. I’m referring to casual meet ups which a lot of people here schedule like a prison guard. Yeah if it’s the evening and you’re waiting on your lonesome in a bar but if it’s a casual coffee meet up with no activity scheduled, you’re fine,

Wow what an aggressive and unpleasant reply to my post. Not sure where you have got the idea that I can't occupy myself for 20 minutes. You've made that up. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I do things with my friends where it is annoying if people run late. If we are meeting in a car park to go for a walk for example. It's not being overly controlling to want to set a fixed time.



I've no problem at all with more flexible meet-ups if I know it's a flexible meet-up.

[Crochetandcoke]

ADHD means I really struggle with all the many steps in getting places on time. Add in small children and/ or public transport and if I'm going somewhere the likelihood is I'm going to be late. Either that, or considerably early. I can never hit the sweet spot of just being on time 😂

[cbatopainttheshed]

@hilariousnamehere 's post near the beginning of the thread describes me exactly. I have a very responsible job and I struggle every day to be on time. I'm often late. I've missed many busses and trains. I've not missed a flight but that's because when I fly I'm so anxious of being late I get to the airport crazy early (I mean hours early) because I know I can't manage time, so planning to be an hour early isn't enough... I'd end up being late!
I was half an hour late to the church on my wedding day and didn't even realise I had arrived late until I was told in the days following!
I hate it about me. I can't explain why I'm late. I literally just have no concept of being able to manage or guess how long things take.

[HRTQueen]

@RedFolder

I am always late. For everything. I have no concept of time or how long things take. Even repeated routines like getting out of bed, having a shower and getting dressed. I do that every singe day. And yet, every single day, I think “oh it will only take me 30 minutes” even though experience tells me it will take closer to double that. It drives me MAD. My brain just can’t help itself, it’s like an internal competition to prove myself wrong, to ‘win’ by doing the task quicker than I did it yesterday. Even though I never, ever do and I am in a perpetual state or stress trying to rush everything.

if I am going to something non-routine, like a meet up with a friend or a hair appointment or something, I make extra special effort not to be late because I HATE letting people down or making people wait for me. So I will estimate how long I need, double it, and plan a sequence in my head of what I have to do. But something random will always go wrong to make me late. Like I can’t find my car keys, which live in the same spot every other day of the year, but this day, they are in an inexplicably random other place.

I remember one particularly infuriating time when I managed to make an impossible knot in my shoelaces and I couldn’t undo it. Literally spent about 10 minutes cursing my shoes and missed my train. I had been on time up to the point of putting my shoes on….

it doesn’t matter how much contingency time I plan in to my routine. Something always fucks it up.

I wouldn’t mind friends pulling me up on it, and they would accept it’s not deliberate on my part and I certainly don’t think my time is more valuable than theirs. It’s just one of my flaws.

That’s exactly how it is for me. I’m constantly stressed

my mum is always late but she doesn’t care but then she is very self selfish

one friend had a moan then I moaned back I am always the one going to see her and I make the effort with travelling so we bother have faults which we accept

many of my friends are late so it doesn’t bother me or them

I try hard to set a good example with ds but often fail makes me feel like I’m failing him ☹️ he is similar

ive once missed a flight but that wasn’t for once down to me and down to issues at the airport

[colouringfoxes]

In my case it's adhd and dyspraxia. I don't agree that if you can get to work on time you can get to everything on time you just clearly don't value the engagement enough. It's true, it's more important that I get to work on time than anything else, so I don't loose my job. I can't work currently, but when I did, work started the same time each day. I worked out how long it took me to get ready, walk there etc and then set permanent timers to go off at the right times. As long as I obeyed the many alarms then I could be on time. That doesn't work when meeting with friends because the time and place varies too much, I don't know exactly how long it takes to get there, I can't set up all the alarms in advance bc people think it's a good idea to arrange meet ups on the day or the day before. And also, yes, it's not as important to me as work. Being on time is a huge effort for me that takes up most of the day before the event, so it's only worth all that stress and difficulties for things like non-refundable travel. Otherwise I'd literally never get anything else done.

[colouringfoxes]

I also have little concept of how long it takes me to do something unless I've timed it before. And I can't time every single possible action or interaction that might ever come up in my life. For example as a teenager I missed a whole 10 minute concert slot I was supposed to perform in because I went to the loo, looked in the mirror and decided to redo my hair. From the outside I look irresponsible and vain, to me I saw the hair, forgot I had to be somewhere in 2 minutes, spent 10 minutes carefully plaiting it, then went on my way only to find out that plaiting hair doesn't magically take 0 time!

[Mary46]

Its a bad habit. My boss was a stickler for times. I found with my friend being late it effects other times of apts later on. It really is selfish.

[Plumbear2]

Its rude. Like another poster I plan the time I allow for coffee etc because I have to be back for my children. If someone is late by 15 minutes or more don't expect me to leave later to accommodate their lateness. Everyone needs to plan.

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

@RightMessUp aggressive 🤣😂😂

[WhereAreMyAirpods]

I get the idea of it being difficult to estimate how long things are going to take, and being late as a consequence.

But I had a friend (note the past tense) who took this to the extreme. We were part of a group of 6-8 people, all with kids the same age, all of whom helped out with lifts to and from the kids' activities. One of the arrangements was that she would collect my DD to take her to dancing as her DD was in the same class and she would pick DD up at 7pm. Fine. She was usually a wee bit late but girls still got to dance for 7.15pm.

Then DD came back from dancing one night distraught because they had been told off for being "so late". On further probing, DD said that friend's son had started swimming lessons, and finished at 7.15pm. "Friend" thought it was entirely possible to get to the pool at 7.15pm, get her son out of the water, dried, dressed, back into the car and drive the 10 minutes to dancing, and arrive for the start of the class at 7.15pm. Whatever your difficulties, everyone knows you cannot be in two places at once.

She genuinely did not see why I had a massive issue with it. I do feel sorry for her kids as nobody will ever offer to lift-share with her any more as she is so unreliable and she now does a lot of moaning about how busy she is.

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

@tigger1001 those people sound awful and, like you said, you’re better off done with them.

Saw in another post you are studying as well as working full time and kids 💪 the only way to do that is to manage your time really well. You’re a rockstar 👩🏻‍🎤

[Cr22345678990]

I’m actually better now I have a toddler I’m really organised and on time, but when he was a baby I could barely get out the house I had PTSD and the stress exhaustion and baby crying used to make me incredibly late for everything.
For years before for this I was late for everything too , even work nearly lost multiple jobs. It was to do with anxiety about how I looked and face picking and spending along time trying to do my make up. Luckily I’m over all that now, I knew how annoying it was and how many people I pissed off it was awful.